seems natural..these two things often go hand in hand, I'm sure....<P>seriously, it's probably a general numbness that will slowly dissapate....<P>I feel empty inside....really empty....worriedly empty...<P>as I said earlier to someone....I don't want to be wife, or a mom, somebody's cleaning lady, that poor woman who's H betrayed her, or much of anything....<P>the dog had 8 seizures in 40 minutes....she had been having seizures since april....was on meds, but vet thought perhaps brain tumour since meds were not helping...please forgive me for rambling but I am feeling so dis-jointed and can't stop crying, but it's not all about the dog...<P>It's the unbearable despair at how horribly wrong things have gone in life...the sadness at the loss....of trust, of love, of patience, of temper...<P>the utter dismay at realizing the past 7 months have not been a bad dream..that I have woken up and suddenly realized that he really did this....that he really and truly lied...that everything that could possibly go wrong has..that everything I knew to be true and real is 180 degrees away from where it was...that he betrayed us, our marriage...for nothing...no love for her....just...because...she stroked his ego and he needed it stroked...<P>I have no idea what I am typing anymore....there is this overwhelming sense of loss.......for everything....<P>I cna't stop crying and it's really starting to bug me....<P>I have left friends by the wayside in this journey ....fallen angel....you there?!?!?...no trust....<P>I haven't been responding to e-mails from friends, I don't return phone calls...I have gone into this place....the 'cave' as new beginning has labeled it....<P>I feel like I can't be a good friend....so why try...can't be a good mom.....why try....pathetic at being a wife, apparently, so why try....<P>WOW.....did you guys see the size of the pity pot I'm trapped in???<P>and now, I am obviously not a good pet companion....<P>is the dog's death just some freak mental trigger?....I feel like a nervous breakdown has landed on my chest and I can't breathe through it....<P>Fallen angel, if you read this, I am sorry, it was not my intent ever to let such a long time elapse....forgive me....<P>whew..all this rambling all oer the place and I have not even had an alcoholic beverage yet....<P>love you all...hold your loved ones close...<BR>I'm getting the vodka out....<P>Dylan<BR><P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

I'm new here but I know what you mean. I've been a recluse at times simply because I didn't have the energy to write or take part in life. During my struggles my cat also died, it felt like a punishment. Then I felt that it was not fair to her (my wonderful feline friend), she wasn't punishing me. <BR>Sometimes it helps to imagine that God will only give you as much as he knows you can handle, so he must have lots of confidence in us. Especially since he seems to have given us so much.<P>My thoughts are with you. Take care.

Dylan,<P>I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry for all the pain you're feeling. <P>((((((((((DYLAN))))))))))<P>Mitzi

Dylan....<P>I'm here. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about feeling dispair.<P>There are many times when I feel it, and I feel like I carry the burden alone.<P>I also have become unsociable, untrusting, rarely smile, and the list goes on.<P>I don't know how to get my "old self" back again. It's been a little over a year of recovery and I still feel lost.<P>I want you to know that you aren't alone. Your Post made me cry because I do, at times, feel the same way that you do.<P>I guess that is part of what we have to deal with after betrayal. It's all part of the package?? Oh! I don't know either. I'm rambling and typing and I don't even think I know what I'm talking about.<P>I have to go now because it's quite late here. I'll check your Post tomorrow.<P>Hugs & prayers Dylan....

Dylan,<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dylan}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You have more than my deepest sympathies.<P>You don't feel it now...<P>but...<P><B>You are loved</B>! <P>Missed... but very loved.<P> <P>Jim

{{{{{{{{{{{{Dylan}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>I am so sorry.<BR>What you have been through is exhausting. <BR>Numbing. When a your dog is having seizures and you are dealing with them it is a very wearing situation. I know. <BR>It is not just the death but the whole illness. Not having any control over it. <BR>You lost a loved one.<P>Just vent Dylan. You have very right to be down and tired. Let it out okay? <P>I think sometimes we try to be strong and the crap festers inside. Let us be there for you for a change okay?

Hello Dylan,<P>I am so sorry about your dog, it is very hard to lose a much loved pet. Try to take good care of yourself. Get some exercise if you can, it is a good antidote for depression.<P>Hope the cloud lifts a bit soon.

Dylan,<BR>I know...when it rains...it pours. Just when you get back on your feet it is something else.<P>My mom being diagnosed with stage 3plus cancer in April..1998....after many months of wearing myself thin to be with her at all possible times (she lives 2 1/2 hours away) driving back and forth.... trying to be a good mom and wife.....my best friend finds out that her husband is having an affair after 20 years of marriage......now it is July....mom in and out of the hospital.....my friend needing my support and an ear at all times of the day and night.....then to turn around and find out my H is doing the same thing.<P>Then to be told I am worthless.....a pig...a fat-[censored]....that it was my fault that he had an affair.....then to hear how sorry he was.....then to watch your children be shunned and abused and neglected by him.....feel their pain.....have him strangle, push, and shove me against walls.....walk in and out of our lives for 4 months...then to walk out the day before his oldests daughters birthday.....then to have him call and tell me he still loves me.....what a jerk "he" was....getting me all confused.....wanting what we used to have.....all the while he is filing police reports on me for harassment...for calling him....then to have his OW have me arrested with lies made up by H and OW.....be arrested....be homeless and unable to see or talk to my preciuos children for 44 long...long days. Get my daughters back and to be constantly verbally abused by him on the phone...to watch our girls come running in after visitations with a new bump or bruise....a new story of his verbal attacks and drinking.....to be risking losing custody of the two people that mean the most to me in my life....<P><BR>Gee sounds like a fairy tale made in heaven<P><BR>Nancy<P>

Oh Dylan -<P>I am so sorry....<P>To have to go through this loss on top of all the other uproar in your life is definitely cause for a mini-meltdown.<P>BIG HUGS darlin', I wish I was there to give them in person.<P>I want to thank you for helping me realize something though.<P>The EMail thing...well, I have been stuck in this kind of cycle also. I have so many that I just haven't gotten back to yet. I am usually so good at responding to people promptly and just haven't done that for awhile.<P>I didn't know why.....I mean I am consciously aware of being busy and having less time on here, but it seems that I just come here to advise or console others and don't make the time to write to my friends....<P>Now I can see that I just don't want to talk about "me" right now.....I have been saying that I need to post an update and just don't do it..Hmmm? Guess this would explain that part too!<P>So to all that I am long in getting back to....and you know who you are....I am so sorry!!!! I am not doing it on purpose.....<P>I guess I should join you with that vodka, Dylan!!!! Problem is I don't drink.....OK you have the vodka and I will just have..oh, let's see......I know!! I will have fruit juice (tropical punch, please!!) and you can mix your vodka with something and we will put it in glasses that we can use straws with. I will bring the "crazy straws" - remember them? <P>Picture it.....you and me lounging and only having to watch the fluid go through all the loops!!!! No EMails, no husbands, no kids, no pets - Just us crazies with our crazy straws!!!!<P>Ah......Heaven!!!!!<P>Hang on Doll, it has got to get better!!<P>More Hugs,<P>Sheba

Baby, oh baby, how well I understand the pain!!!!<P>Yes, all of life is connected, and I can clearly see how you've been pulling all the loose ends together and making one big quilt with it. I should have seen it... you mentioned the cave in the last email. I'm sorry Dylan, I was too busy with my stuff to realize the depth of your pain. Now your dog has died, and honey, I do have a suggestion, just as soon as you can handle it. Make a shrine to her. I did that for my Bo. A picture, his dog tag, a poem... a small gesture, but mighty. I cried for three years over Bo (don't tell Naomi or Mandy, but Bo was my favorite). I understand your pain.<P>Please don't hide too long in the cave. And sweetie, as a wise person once told me, what you're feeling now is PAIN and that is natural.<P>I love you.<P>Sheryl

Sheryl....what a wonderful suggestion that you gave....some kind of rememberance for Dylan's dog.<P>Come to think of it...our family had 2 dogs...I had 2 personalized ornaments made for them (wooden bone for each dog...and each dog's name was printed)....<P>Every x-mas, I put those wooden bones on our x-mas tree. It is to honor the 2 cute loving pets that we had growing up...<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited May 21, 2000).]

Hello Dylan,<P>I have been wondering about you and how you are doing. It seems that there are many parallels in our situations, so I thought that you might be doing about the same as I am. Guess I was right, but I don't have a dog.<P>One of the worst things about infidelity is that it makes life and sanity seem so fragile. Problems that I used to be able to cope with now seem so overwhelming; the slightest glitch now seems insurmountable; the smallest misfortune seems like an unbearable tragedy.<P>Nothing is the same anymore, and it is so hard to accept that it never will be again.<P>As I laid in bed last night thinking about this whole betrayal mess, I realized that I am feeling so lost and alone because my anchor rope has been cut. My husband was the anchor in my life through all the bad times, he was the stability that I could always count on. His affair cut that rope, and now I am drifting aimlessly with nothing to hold me in place in times of storms and other obstacles.<P>I am trying (sometimes failing miserably) to rely on my inner strength and faith to pull me through. I understand about the cave, for me its a big black hole that I keep trying to climb out of but keep sliding back down into.<P>I am sorry about your loss and sadness, but I do know this much. You love him, if you didn't this would be so much easier. My theory is that the depth of the pain mirrors the depth of the love- only those whom you care about can really hurt you. I also think that the level of committment to recovery has to match the amount of the hurt to be successful. I know that is where firestorm and I have failed. We're really struggling right now.<P>Oh yes, Dylan, you still love him. That's why this hurts so badly. And the fact that he is not doing EVERYTHING you need to help you heal compounds the pain and sadness.<P>Things seemed to be better when you were both here regularly. Maybe it's time to come back and share more with us, and let us share the burden with you. Let's help each other, all of us.<P>I'll be thinking of you,<P>Peppermint

Dylan,<P>My sweetie. Wish I could be there and hold your hand. Does anyone here know that in spite of the hell Dyl is going thru, she still takes the time to think of helping others (like me) and puts her heart into it? I agree with all who said, let it out, girl. Sometimes you just must let those hot, alligator tears go for awhile. Once it's all out, you may feel renewed. Please go easy on the Vodka - don't make some poor ER nurse have to help revive you out of a coma (hehe) And DON'T drive either. <P>I know you'll feel better soon, Dylan, because you are unsinkable.<P>Love, <BR>Carrie

Dylan,<BR>Listen to Peppermint....those are true, wonderful words...spoken by an amazing person.<P>I too feel that someone you don't love and care about really can't hurt you. It is the love you feel for someone that can cause that pain to cut so very deep.<P>I believe we all love our WS, or we wouldn't be here. The connection we had with that person shaped who we are today. What we feel today.<P>It is illogical for someone to believe that only you can make your happiness or pain. I do not believe that. Many outside forces and people can cause pain and happiness. Many things that we feel so passionate about, make the pain so real. <P>I know I am a happier person because of my children.....I know that I am a saddened and pained person because of my stbx's abuse and affair. That is a fact...and there is nothing, right now, that I can do to myself or for myself that is going to erase those wonderful and some of those horrible memories.<P>I am an optimistic person.....I have a tendancy to find good in everyone.....make excuses for the bad things and "suck in" all the good things. I can't forget.....good or bad...I can forgive.....good or bad.<P>Nancy

Hey girlfriend-I am here. Actually someone else saw your post and your mnetion of me and let me know. I think that was a nice thing to do.<P>You have not beenf ar from my thoughts during this stretch of time that we haven't been communicating. I understand your need to back away from so many things. The pain as all of us here know-is unbearable. <P>You made me cry when I read your post. I ache for you-I wish I had the answers you need. But as you know I am just a few months past where you are now. We are doing real well in our recovery but every day I am reminded that he was able to do that to me. Yes it does still hurt.<P>Dylan, look inside yourself. You can do anything you set your mind to. The answers you need are within you and if you get started I just know you will be OK. You and I both know that while Duet did lie to you and cheated he is also very sorry. In my mind I see the daily struggles with his EX-W to be more of a problem than your love for each other. You both have been between a rock and a hard spot for a long time where she and their son are concerned. It breaks my heart as there are no real good answers to that situation. <P>Please know my friend that I understand your not writing back and not posting here. At least you came forth and let all who do care about you know that you are still "there". We love you and wish you well. I know that you will gain strength from the prayers that are going to be sent your way.<P>Hang on. Know that we are always here for you. When you need a hand holler again-we will reach out.<P>HUGS to you and yours-let peace be found!!<P>fallen_angel

Dylan,<P>See my reply tp SDS...sorry I only have a minute.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003033.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003033.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Dylan,<P>Just wanted to send you an extra big hug and let you know that I am thinking of you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DYLAN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I think Sheryl's idea of some sort of memorial is a good idea for your dog. It may offer you some form of closure in saying goodbye in a special way.<P>By the way, You've got mail.<P>Chat with you later(if we can ever get on line at the same time again).<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Dylan:<P>I am so sorry about your dog. You are a good pet companion; it was just your dog's time. <P>Hang in there. It will get better.<P>Hugs! --HBC

UNBELIEVABLE UPDATE !!!!!<P>firstly, I posted, and then construction crews working down the street the next morning went through the phone/cable wires....so no phone or internet......<P>secondly....we've had a bigger shock....<P>imagine Deut driving down the highway to a 24 hour emergency vet with the dog in her portable kennel (for ummmm, crematory purposes...we couldn't let the kids wake up to a deceased dog)....and almost going off the road when the supposedly deceased dog let out a whine....<P>she was in an epileptic coma, it seems, and scared the heck out of Deut!!....<P>the vet increased her dosage of phenobarbitol, but says now that it is most likely a brain tumor and we will have to make the decision as to whether to put her down, or let the seizures go on, and she will eventually die...the increased meds may control the severity....but there is really not much hope....<P>she had another seizure late last night....<P>so now, I have to change the title of this post to my didn't die, but she will....<P>I must admit that the sight of Deut walking in at 3 am followed by a very valium-filled dog was the shock of a lifetime...<P>and as for the rest of my post, I guess I can say that I am feeling overwhelmed by everything, and let the pity-party take over..<P>dog is having a seizure.....gotta go....<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Oh, my goodness!!! You poor thing!!<P>I wonder if this isn't a reminder that it isn't over 'til it's over...<P>On a more practical note, I don't know if it's any consolation or not, but I had a dog who had the same problem several years ago. Eventually we had her put down because we felt so badly for her when she came out of her seizures all disoriented, but it was no fun decision. And I certainly wasn't worrying about my H at the time.<P>Best to you, and feel free to administer hot fudge liberally (to you, not the dog...)<P>Hugs! --HBC