I just started sessions with Dr. Harley, so I'm not sure if I'm headed for Plan A or moving right to Plan B - I think it's too late for plan A, but here's the deal: My husband has already moved out. He has been developing a relationship with the other woman over the past few months (maybe even years) and it finally culminated in sex 2 weeks ago when he was on a business trip in NYC, where she lives. He lives in Vermont. When he left our home right after he returned from his trip (guilt maybe?), he moved into one of her rental ski houses about 30 miles away(in Vermont) where he is staying at no charge, compliments of his new friend and her efforts to help him find his way out of his marriage and into her life. They have daily phone contact (long discussions) but because of the distance between them, can not get together physically more than once a month or so. She is a doctor and tours the country giving seminars on menopause and has a hectic schedule that does not allow for much of a "home life". (I have know this woman for years myself, and this winter when I saw her at the ski area, she was telling me how she has never had a long term relationship her entire life because she can't find a man that can deal with her schedule). My husband is a marketing director at a ski resort and this is where their friendship has developed over the years, leading to the actual sexual affair. They have been sharing lots of conversation over time, and I'm sure his tense marriage and all the problems has been a topic of conversation. The ski resort atmosphere has afforded them a little "bubble" of a setting where everyone is relaxed, on vacation, life is great! No real life realities there, except my husband's unhappiness with our relationship. They met regularly in the bars and sat for hours discussing life's challenges. They developed a caring friendship and she was able to fill the emotional needs that I failed at over the past few years. Obviously he has depended on her support to get through the problems with me that were never revealed to me until the last three months. I honestly thought we were just having one of those rough periods (financial difficulties, new career start for me demanding most of my time, menopause, exhaustions, no sex, etc.)I think part of what prompted him to finally level with me was his growing attraction to her, and he was trying to end it with me so he could persue the affair with less guilt. I'm sure that's why he moved out - he was not going to be able to keep it concealed mnuch longer and we were having horiffic fights and saying very hurtful things to eachother daily for a few months. My love account with him was and is deeply in the red! I found out this was going on from his phone logs (I suspected, investigated, but never thought he would do something like this - I've been in denial for months because I thought his character would not allow an affair), not because he told me - as a matter of fact, I asked him just a few days prior to discovering the truth if he was having an afair and he denied it until I confronted himn with my proof, at which point he told me that had sex two weeks ago on his business trip. I said it was going to be impossible for us to get back on the right track while she was in the picture and asked him to end it and work on our 17 yr. marriage with me. He said he is not willing to give her up - that he has fallen in love with her, and she feels the same way about him, and that he wants to persue the relationship and see where it leads. I cautioned him to take it slow because the heady feelings of happiness he is experiencing right now are because she is meeting the emotional needs I have failed to meet and he may be mistaking infatuation with love. He said, "I don't care, I'm going to persue this relationship and because I can't handle this and our marriage at the same time, you are on the back burner - There is no place for you in my life right now. I don't know how it will work out: Maybe she'll get sick of me, maybe I'll get sick of her, maybe we will build a lasting relationship, maybe it's real love, maybe it's not, maybe you and I will reconcile if it doesn't work out, maybe we won't, maybe I won't end up with either one of you - but I have to find out, and I'm going to continue seeing her. She makes me feel alive and you don't. I asked if I was totally out of the picture. He said "I don't hold any great hope that we can ever work it out - In my mind, our marriage was over anyway. I'm not in love with you anymore, I've found someone else who makes me feel good for the first time in years, but I haven't been to an attorney yet, if that's what you mean".<BR>So here's my question: Since he won't get help with me and won't give up his affair, am I headed right for plan "B"? Does anyone know the statistics of Plan B success? It seems to me that while he is concentrating on his affair and her love bank is filling up with points RAPIDLY, and he's not giving me any thought and my bank has already been depleted over the years to probably a deficit by now, how do we stand a chance of working this marriage out? He says he doesn't want to work it out. How could I possibly hope that there's a chance of saving this marriage?<BR>There are other dynamics at play here. He is making a career change from a high profile executive position with a paycheck to a straight commision sales career, he's getting rid of his marriage, he's started an affair, he's moved out, and except for coming by to mow lawns, pick up mail, pick up more of his things little by little and maintain the house we own together (which is for sale) he has absolutely no reason to keep in touch with me. When this house is sold, I will lose the only connection I have with him that brings us together. Emotionally he would rather we didn't have contact. We have no children so it would be very easy for him to disappear out of my life totally, which is what he's working toward I believe. So how could Plan B ever succeed if he's hoping for a way to discontinue contact so he can get on with his new distraction? Please, somebody help me here. I am emotionally distraught over this and can't seem to get out of this depression - I just cry and cry and have missed a lot of work because I'm just not dealing well. By the way, he is still paying the majority of the bills for the house I now live in alone.<BR>Sooney

Welcome, although I know you are wishing you didn't have to be here. My suggestion right now would read about plan a and b, but don't do anything until you talk with Dr Harley. Jim will be posting to you soon, and he gives such good advice, as will so many others. I was left for OW, so I really do understand the emotional pain and anquish you are feeling right now. I am going to be very honest with you--it is going to be a long road no matter how things turn out, and this is going to be the hardest thing in your life to go through. There were days I didn't think I would survive it, but I did. I found a strength I didn't know I had. There will be much support here as well as comfort. Come here any time.

Sooney,<P>Your post gave me chills. My H's OW was (is?) also a Doctor. She does not practice medicine, but is in sales therefore travels constantly. He met her on several of her trips. It went on for two years before discovery.<P>He moved out of our home as of yesterday, and is also paying the bills as I don't work. We don't have any idea how this will all turn out and it is horrible. He says it's over with her, but...as you know they are liars and not to be believed.<P>I've read a lot about men's mid life crisis, and it fits my H to a tee (he's 48). We have three teenage children that are in so much pain right now. I am left here to pick up the pieces while he "finds himself". I feel like I am taking care of three sick people, sometimes all I can do is run from room to room taking care of them.<P>One of the most important things I read here is to GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF TIME. No decisions have to be made right now. This affair of his will someday wear him out. I'm not saying that means everything will be OK for your marriage, but in time, he will see that she is not the answer to what he is going through.<P>I know I'm not ready for Plan B. I am working hard on meeting his needs. There is still something here, we both know that, and as long as there is a chance I want to be seen as a wonderful option. I will not be stepped on by him, and he knows how far I will go...but I sense he still loves me and I'm going to step back and let that spark of love grow. <P>It's hard to keep our heads together, but I feel stronger today than I did yesterday. Who knows, tomorrow I may fall apart, but for now I have to work on ME. Have to find myself a path in life. I think he was very attracted to his OW because she is a strong, independent person...I am not. But I'm working on it.<P>Read all you can here. There will be some that will give you wonderful advice, much better than I ever will be able to. Don't be shy about posting as much as you need to. You won't always get a ton of replies, but as people get to know you, you'll get some answers from people that have been exactly where you are now.

Welcome <B>Sooney</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>I tend to agree (not always though) with what you get in counsling from the Harleys.<P>Pesonally... with all the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> you've been doing...<BR>...I think a little more time in a "long distance" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... before you transition into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>After getting the gist of both plans from this site... and hopefully from Dr. Harley's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>...check out my old posts <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>Do also look at some of the links on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post... in the sections of Plan A and Plan B.<P><B>You are not alone</B>...<P>Stay... post... read... grow...<P> <P>Jim