I am new to this site and am really looking for answers. I have been unfaithful for 8 of our 9 yr marriage. A few 1 night stands while away on business, but then i made the mistake of starting a relationship w/another married co-worker. We ended it after 4 months mainly because he was fearful of being discovered. I thought that experience fixed my wandering soul but was wrong. I have had another 1 night stand, and started a relationship with another co-worker. I know i do not get my recreational needs met by my husband and find it elsewhere. So now i am more disgusted w/myself than ever. My husband deserves a wife to love him as much as he loves me. I don't feel much love for him, probably because i don't feel much love towards myself. He was once my best friend and i ruined it long ago. I wish i knew all that was on this web site 9 years ago. So, do you cut your loses and search for another partner or do you stay w/the one you have built 9 yrs of life with and 2 kids with and try to go on. He doesn't know of my second life that i lead. He does know i am unhappy and we need to do something. I feel so alone which is what i deserve but i could really use someone to help me thru this mess i have created for everyone!!!! I feel like cheating is a disease. Once unleashed it runs wild! Help Please!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel so alone which is what i deserve but i could really use someone to help me thru this mess i have created for everyone!!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>How about hubby? Tell him you need him.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

youve already made the first step to a better marriage by coming here, so a big congrats for that. Now is a very good time to consider counselling for yourself, and then maybe couples counselling once ready. I hope you take up my suggestion, so you can fix your pain, your husbands pain and find what you are really missing and trying to fix inside by all these affairs. Does your husband know about any of them?<BR>However, I am most intrigued by you as you sound really similar to the OW in my H's short affair. She also had had several affairs. For her though it was really a search for a richer life that she was after, something I think she just feels she deserves and can take whenever the chance of a rich guy came along. Her upbringing obviously didnt set enough boundaries for her of right and wrong. Can I ask you why do you enter these affairs, why cant you say no at the time, and what do you get out of them? Please Im not flaming, you sound like a really honest person and it could certainly help me to understand. Please dont let me scare you away though, it was very courageous of you to post and seek advice, and Im sure you will get it here. Good luck and remember to consider the counselling.<BR>

Hi Privatehell and Welcome to MB!!!<P>I am so sorry for what you are going through...you surely sound like you are in a "privatehell" and that is very sad.<BR>I hope that we can help steer you in the right direction for pulling yourself out of it. Just know that there is a lot of love here....sometimes just a boost from that love can give us the strength and courage to begin the hard task of taking a long look at ourselves.<P>I have the same questions that azure asked in my mind....can you start by answering what you can of those? <P>You have a lot going on inside of you and that is the place to start. While we delve into this with you, give your H as much encouragement and attention as you can - whether he knows of the affairs or not, I am sure that he "feels" that something is wrong.<P>No decisions about leaving or staying should be made right now. There is too much for you to work through to make any intelligent choice.<P>Tell us about your life.....what may have led up to this behavior and these feelings inside?<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Welcome <B>privatehell</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Only you can decide what you want in your life. If it is to have the best marriage it will take work (probably as a bit more than hiding your affairs.)<P>There is a lot of great information her...<BR>Lot's of support...<BR>But you've got to get off the fence!<BR>And make a decision about how much your H and kids really mean to you.<P>Some personal counseling sounds in order too. <P> <P>Jim

For all that replied to me, Thank You. I will try to answer all ????'s. I am trying to seek counsel. I know i need it first just for me. No my H does not know anything except that I am unhappy with my life. I haven't confessed' he hasn't asked. It has only been 2 affairs. The few 1 nite stands some were seeked by me, others just walked into. I do a lot of traveling and while away we do a lot of partying and having fun. I usually work w/mostly men. The 1rst affair was last Aug. Prior to that we had a lot of stress in our family life. To make a long story short my 2yr old was diagnosed with some problems and I am the one who was around to deal with it all. I am the one to handle all the doctors & appts. H is supportive when able but the initial knowing of all this stuff w/my daughter put a big strain on us. We retreated in our own world to deal w/the reality of it. In the past year I have grown very tired. At least 1x a day I just say to myself...I want a new life. H and I just don't seem to have fun together anymore. When we are both around to do family stuff, most the time it is more stressfull than fun. I feel like the spark we once had is so gone. I don't know if it is because of me or just life in general. I don't even know if i love him anymore. How can you love someone and so easily be w/another????? H is such a great H. He is very family comitted ect, yet I seem to thrive on destructing what we have. He is almost to attentive and that actually pushes me away. I feel as if he is dependent on me for his happiness. He has been out of town for almost 1 month and i really don't miss him. I guess i dread him returning and having to face that things are not just right. He grew up in a house that his parents tolerated each other but survived it to still be together. I grew up and watch my mom leave my dad after 25 yrs marriage. I think she just waited until i was old enough and she was strong enuf to do it. I don't want either. As for what i am search for w/these others. I guess to get lost for awhile. Most is sexually centered. Except for the 2nd affair which we did spend more time together. Enjoyed each others company. But also mostly sex. He did know everything about what i have done. So maybe I wanted to be w/someone who still liked me for all the bad mistakes I have made. Who still thinks I am OK. So i guess the search is for someone I enjoy spending time with. I don't really enjoy time spent w/H. We go thru the motions. <BR> I picked up some paperwork today to seek counseling. Just want to make sure it is confindetial. I also want to check out our church.<BR> Thanks again. All you words do help. It helps to be able to talk to somebody!!!!!!

do you think some of your unhappiness is because you have to always be hiding your other life from your H in case he finds out?<BR>thats got to take a lot of energy and time, and guilt.

Don't walk out on your marriage because of your guilt. You can see by how many people that post here daily that it isn't usually what married people want. It definitely doesn't make the problem go away. <P>I think you are ready for help. Your words indicate that you are ready for change. A good counselor can help you do that. I would work on yourself first before telling him. The counselor can give you some tools to figure out why you did it, the best way to explain it to him, and how you can fix this together.<P>I wish you tons of luck. I can only have best wishes for someone who wants to change. All betrayeds are looking for some sign that our spouses want to change. That will mean a lot to him.

Privatehell, I am glad to hear that you are seeking counseling - please continue to do so!<P>Also, please read up on the articles on this site if you haven't already. It sounds as though neither you nor your husband are having your emotional needs met, and you need to talk to him about it - tell him that you're not happy and why you feel that way. BUT do it in a nonconfrontational, nonaccusing way - make it clear that you are not just complaining, you want to make things better. I read somewhere that you might concentrate on using "I" language instead of "you" language. Instead of saying, "You never take me out to dinner anymore," you might say "I miss our private dinners together."<P>My husband had to find out about my one-night stands by finding evidence. I really wish I'd had the guts to tell him about them myself; since I didn't, I won't holler at you about telling him. But I think it really would be the best thing to do.<P>One last thing - don't take this the wrong way, because there's no way I know enough details about you to judge, but you might want to do some reading about sexual addiction. My behavior and motives were similar to yours I think, and what I read about sexual addiction described me almost to a "T" - it was almost scary. Still, sexual addiction is not the problem itself, I think it's just a symptom of a greater problem. Do you have a history of depression or mood disorders in your family? Any other addictive behaviors?<P>Once again, please do continue the counseling - read Surviving an Affair by W. Harley if you can - and keep us posted, I know I will want to hear how things are going!