Well finally I got a hold of my lawyer and was able to get a few answers. Basically I am stuck with my H and his behavior. I can't force him out of the house or change the locks etc. He can come and go as he pleases with the OW and I can't do a thing about it. I can go back to court to order him to fill out his net worth statement but that would cost a bunch of money that I don't have.<P>As far as the OW and her stuff being at the lake house, he said I could send it to her or whatever but we or should I say I would look better in court if I didn't play any games like they are playing.<P>I truly thought I could work on my marriage but it seems that the writing is on the wall and my H can't and won't tell the truth just like he said he didn't know how her stuff got to the lake. DUh.........He is the only one with a key or should I say WAS the only one with a key.<P>I bought a throw away camera to stop and take pictures on the way home from work to document things before the bi*** might go there and remove things. I really just feel like packing it all up and taking it to where she works and dumping it on her car. But she would just think that she pulled one over on me. I don't think I can get past this. I almost felt nothing for my H last night while he was trying to tell me he was sorry. Guess he didn't think about hurting me while he was with her.<P>The legal system almost seems like it is protecting the wrong person don't you think. I think the judges should be betrayed by their spouses and then see what mental cruelty means.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm so sorry...sending you big hugs...<P>Kathi<BR>

In the state I live in...you can't have the locks changes unless your spouse leaves for at least 30 days....you can get a restraining order for verbal abuse, which would constitute lots of swearing, emotional fighting in front of the children, pushing, breaking things, etc. Of course, you can also get a restraining order for the physical stuff as well. Other than that, you can't do a thing. Your spouse can have 100 lovers, but that's not the court's problem. The legal system has the physial safety of the wronged spouse in mind and the children; whether or not you or your spouse is sleeping around doesn't concern them. I know it sounds heartless, but believe me, the courts see so much, that they have to be totally objective in the enforcement of the laws. <P>I can relate to an extent what you are saying. My H and I are legally separated, divorce has been filed, yet we are living under the same roof. My H has a place to go, I do not, but he refuses to leave. The fact that it is horrible for all of us living like this makes no difference to him...he won't leave. So, until school gets out and we sell the house...I am stuck.<P>Fair? No. But that is the way it is.<P>[<BR>

Im sorry to hear that you two. Its crazy how the poeple who deserve help don't get it and the people who dont do. My wife won't hesitat to say that "she fears for her safety"..even though I have never even raised a hand at her, or even verbally abused her.<P>Its crazy how if the women just color the story a little, how much damage they can cause the man.

Hi bc,<P>I'm so sorry that the Court can't do anything to help you. Can you still talk to your H and maybe he can possibly move into the Lakehouse? That is, if your next plan is Plan B?

Just got done talking to my counselor and she feels that for my mental well being I have to do something to stop beating myself up for all of this. She has made me realize that my H's alcoholism is his first love right now and that the OW is really just an enabler for the drinking. She feels that he can't make a responsible decision and really has no need to change things seeing he has his cake and gets to eat it too.<P>I know this is a MB site but I was thinking on my way home that for a good part of my marriage (been married 9 years and together 12) I haven't really been treated very well. Many many lonely nights with cold dinners were spent at my house while my H was out with the guys. The more I tried to get him to come home even to eat together the more he punished me in his own way by staying out more. He told me that I embarassed him in front of his friends if I came looking for him or called for him at the bar. My punishment was him staying out later and more often.<P>I realize now that I shouldn't have chased after him and that may have pushed him away but he did have choices, to tell me how he felt so we could work on things to try and be home for dinner more often. But those times never came and then he decided he would find another woman that would sit in the bar with him, stroke his ego, not check up on him and tell him how bad his marriage was. The beginning of the end.<P>Do I or anyone deserve to be treated like this NO. I deserve much better than he can or will give me. Don't get me wrong I love him and probably always will but he has taken 9 months of my life and it soon has to stop. He cannot make a decision and the longer I wait for that to happen the closer I get to doing something stupid to myself because of all the pain I am in. I told myself that when I got home tonight I would tell him that he had until Friday to decide what he wanted and if he didn't then I wanted his net worth statement at his lawyers or I will take him back to court. Well wouldn't you know, again he isn't home. Probably (speaking from experience) he went to the bar after work and is sitting there getting drunk, relieving all of his stresses. Well in 20 minutes I am off to Alanon. <P>I am afraid he may never wake up and if he does, it will be too late. For he will have lost the love of his life even if he can't or won't see that now. The material things can be replaced but the hurt, anger, and frustrations will remain for a lifetime.

Hi bc,<P>You know, you really are taking all the blame for a situation you had no control over. My H also was gone from home constantly. At the bars, out with buddies, out with OW. He blamed me, telling me that it was my fault he was "living the life of a single man". BC, I did not GIVE him the time he was away from our family...he TOOK it. Early in our marriage I called the bars, begged him to come home for dinner, tried everything and anything to make him want to come home. It was not my fault. Someone has to raise these children.<P>Yeah, I could/should have tried a lot harder. H is one of those men that needs constant admiration and attention. I am working hard on meeting those needs now, but it may be too late for both of us. I am not sure only one woman can fill that need for him. If you're not familiar with me, he is living in an apartment as of last weekend. He had a two year affair that I found out about two weeks ago. Claims it's over with her...who knows.<P>Are you planning on making him leave and going on Plan B. You sound really discouraged and it's awful that he won't be honest with you when you have found such flagrant proof. Congratulations on going to your counselor, and for holding off on taking her putred things out of YOUR lake home.<P>Hope your alanon meeting went well. I think it's just great that you are working so hard on improving yourself. It will show, and he will see it, someday when he comes out of his booze fog.<BR>