Hi guys - <P>I admit I have once again been away for a while - I am not sure why. <P>This is what brings me back...<P>H sees son (almost 20 months) at least 2 times a week, but since divorce proceedings have started I don't let him stay over night anymore. He nevers takes son over night because he is living with OW. Anyway, I have only been away from my son for evenings out and one weekend. I know that is not much, but the circumstances of the last 11 months have kept me from getting away without my son for extended periods of time. <P>Anyway, how many of you dreaded the start of over night visitation? I would never stop my H from seeing our son, but I am torn up about this because part of the reason for having kids is to enjoy in their lives on an ongoing basis. Now I will miss our on more because of H's selfish behavior. I know as kids grow they do a great deal without parents around, but now is the age where they spend lots of time with their parents. I want to enjoy every minute. <P>My mother said I was selfish for feeling this way and also said if I had not nursed my son so long my H might not have strayed - talk about upsetting. I agree it would be selfish to keep our son from his Dad, but I am not. I just wanted the perfect life - a happy family for our son. I guess I am "grieving" for the loss of that time I will be loosing. My H chose to loose that time, I didn't. And my son certainly did not choose to have a single mom.<P>I hope this makes sense. <BR>I guess I jsut want to know that I am not alone. <P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

I just started getting my 4month old over nught thanksgiving weekend. She didnt have a problem then, but now I Start getting both kids Tue, and Thrus till she gets home from work , and every other weekend. The baby only one night though.<P>When I went to pick him up Sat. she was upset. I told her I know it sucks, cause I want to see them every night , but I cant. Cause she has her Head up her rear(sorry)<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

dhj<P>Yes you are being selfish, but no you are not alone in feeling that way. With young kids the changes occur so fast we don't want to miss anything.<P>From the kid's perspective they don't want to miss time with either parent (assuming each parent is non-abusive), but they have no choice in the matter, regardless of how old they are. Yes it truly sucks for them more than us.

dhj:<BR>I feel for you. My 4 are all teens with 2 away at school and I am angry that this man who "did not want the burden of the daily grind of oarenting" got exactly that. He sees the kids alternate weekends and one night for dinner a week. Guess what he has "it all' or at least what he wanted while i have all the S*** with it all. <BR>When our spouses went out to pleasure themselves they did not think about the kids...just themselves and now you are in a position to have to give up time with your child. Is it fair, no, but there is no choice as the children need to see both parents. (How I wish my H would disappear from their lives as he causes so much trouble and does not deal with it)

Thanks guys!<P>Let me make sure you all understand something tho - I would never keep my son from his father for his sake. He deserves to see his father when ever he wants and as he grows the amount of time he sees Dad may change to more or less. I know as a teen I did not visit my Dad as much because I had a life of my own. <P>willbok99 - Same here! H couldn't handle daily grind of work and coming home to a baby. Now he gets his cake and eats it too! Once over nites start that will change tho - he will get a dose of all I do. That is unless he always takes son to his parents so they do all the work. The sad part is H was not part of son's life before and his moving out has not been noticed by son (even tho he is young - behavior has not changed). H spends more time with son now. <P>brownphd - Were you the betrayer or was your wife? Just curious.<P>It is a shame that my H doesn't want to miss out on anything, but couldn't find it him to give our marriage a second chance when I was so willing to forgive him. That is selfish - right down to the core. <BR>

I am the betrayed<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

dhj,<P>Don't let anyone tell you that your H strayed because you nursed your son "too long" - implying that he strayed because you were too good a mother. That is ridiculous.<P>Although I don't want to keep my kids from their father, I would give my right arm if I could keep them from overnight visitations with the OW. Even my ten year old thinks that it is wrong for the little one (just turned 4) to spend the night there, that she is too young. This shy, unassertive child told me I should take him to court to prevent it. My H has trouble getting her to go to sleep, and my 10 year old tried to help and got yelled at for her trouble. <BR>

Thanks Brown-<P>Nellie - Depending on the state you can keep child from overnites with OW - I can keep son away from OW all together until the divorce is final. No more are the days of keeping them away if there is a live-in situation after the divorce (like my mom did).<P>My H at least has enough respect not to even ask for son to visit him at her place - but this means they spend their time together here in our place. More stressful on me.

Dhj<P>I believe this is the hardest part of the whole situation. I can understand how you must feel as a sole parent.<P>I find it increasingly difficult as a betrayed husband. Even having liberal visitation rights is not the same as living as a family unit and both enjoying watching your child develop and grow.<P>All for what, a selfish need for the betrayer to satisfy her needs which will more than likely crash down around her ears in the long term.<P>Let's hope I can pull it all together again if and when that happens.<P>In "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman he notes that more betrayers are back in the original marriage than happily married to the affair partner after 5 years. It's a long time to wait I know.<P>Have faith.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough

Dear dhj and friends, <BR>I just had my first night without my son last night. Wow! I was scared being in the house alone, too. It was h's first night gone. Tonight he called and wants a third overnight each week. That means the six year old will be going back and forth too much. We worked out our separation with a mediator and now he says he didn't agree to two overnights and one evening. I am going to refuse to talk about it until we see mediator again so I don't lose my temper. H accused me of dictating to him when I have gone out of my way to work things out. Ugh. I dread any overnights with the ow if it comes to that. Good luck to you all.