ok...I would like to hear from those who thought they were deeply in love with OP and overcame it. Was it an addiction? Was it true love? What helped you to love your spouse the way that you should? Any advice would help me.<P>My H and I are in recovery now for the past 2 or so months. H had an EA/PA with someone he knew from his past. He has just recently told me that he loves her. That he is "in-love" with her. He says that he loves me and always will, but doesn't feel what he feels for her. We are both having a hard time. He has become more distant again, and I'm not sure how to stay with him because this info has hurt me so. I don't want to share my husbands love with someone else. <P>He has told me several times that he wants US to work and wants to stay married. He is hoping that he will feel more for me eventually. Any advice on this subject would help. Any advice on what I should do would help. I try and focus on the fact that he has stayed and does love me, instead of what I don't have. Instead of what has been taken from me. The loss is overwhelming at times, so any encouragement would be appreciated. Every day is difficult. I'm suprized I make it 'til the next morning, but then I realize I just have to do it all over again and again. <P>My only comfort has been knowing that God loves me unconditionally. No matter what I've ever done...he will be there for me. I am not completely alone! I Hold on to that! Thank you!

Not to sound like a propagandist, but my H and I have been reading His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair by W. Harley, and I really think those might help answer your questions! If you aren't quite ready to buy them, I'm sure you could find them at the library.<P>Sorry I can't answer from personal experience - I'm sure there are others on this site who can and will.

Hi Just Me,<P>I am a betrayer (and a betrayed) and I was 'in love," addicted and the whole nine yards with the OM. Hindsight is twenty/twenty and I now know it was just a fantasy. While I was in the midst of it, I would never agree to that. It was an EA that never (thankfully) became a PA. We have been in recovery for over a year. I hope this helps.<P>~Raskal

I am the betrayer...I engaged in a pretty intense EA. In our case, the intense feeling I felt for the OP frightened me. I am sorry to say that after trying to work things out and giving up the OP, my feelings for my H are not there. It has been a painful experience and an even more painful discovery of realizing my marriage is dead in the water.<P>I hope you have better luck with things!<BR>

I bought a few books and figured that they might help me. My husband won't even look at them. He will listen if I read out loud (baby), but I don't think it is helping us much. <P>I'm just trying to keep my sanity right now. I kind of have to keep my distance from him because I'm afraid of feeling rejected when he doesn't respond. I'm doing my best to be loving and kind. I just can't hurt anymore. That part of me is full to the brim and when we talk about this stuff together....I start asking him questions which leads to my love-busting. I'm trying not to talk about it with him. I try and look at him sort of as my best friend because I know that he needs help too! He so wants to overcome what he feels for her, but he doesn't know how. I have suggested couseling and the books, but he apparently isn't ready. He's always been the kind of person that thinks he can figure everything out by himself. He doesn't ask for help, never has.<P>I try my best to be selfless...and put myself aside...that is the only way that I can stand this. He is someone that I love and will always love, and I will always be concerned about him...so I look at him more as being my friend instead of my husband. That's the only way that I can make it thru this! Thanks for your replies!

I have some advice even though I don't follow it all the time. Concentrate your efforts on focusing your love on God and getting love from God. If you put your effort into loving God and you know he will do the same you will begin to find that it is easier to realize your love for your husband. It may sound goofy but I know that it works. Now as far as your husband loving you more - prayer and him seeing love in you will bring him around. Lord knows I of all people would like to have something that is more physically proactive in solving the problems that you are facing (I face the same problems - wife still in love with ex, her strength of love for me is in doubt, etc..) but the feelings and ideas that you are having troubles with are not tangable. So they require a non tangable answer (in my mind). This non tangable answer is love to and from God and prayer. Your husband will see these things in you and God will bring him around.

thank you!<P>I know that God is the answer! If I could fill my head and heart full of HIM than I would be wonderful! It's those little thoughts that like to creep in all the time, you know! I try to push them away. I know that they don't come from God. <P>Ok....a few months ago people were calling me Jesus freak! I said that is a good thing. That means I have my sights on the right thing! I have always been a Christian. I've just been an on and off again Christian. God has really taught me so much thru all of this. A lot about myself and who I am! Some good has actually come out of this pain. That is what I need to hold on to.<P>After H and I had a discussion the other night (very painful for both of us), when we were going to sleep, I asked him if I could pray, and he agreed! I asked him if he still wanted to stay with me and he said yes, so I prayed holding his hands out loud. I prayed for our marriage, for our love to grow, for peace! The fact that he let me pray was a good sign! I must believe that God wants my marriage to survive and blossom! I must trust in Him and believe! Thank you for your response!

Have y ou tried counseling? Also, is your H still seeing this ow in any capacity? If so, than things will not work for you until he completely ends any contact with her. If it is impossible to get away from her.. than suggest moving to a new area.. but he has to get away from the sphere of her influence or availability or things will be hopeless. Good counseling could also help. You said you are in recovery for two months... that is good , but that is not long. it will take a long time for you to feel comfortable with each other again. Have you tired to plan a fun trip together? That might help make him realize /remember how much fun he can have with you... focus on having a good time when you can.. it will help both of you!

Just_me:<P>I've been posting here since February. I betrayed my husband at the end of 1998/early 1999. I had an emotional affair online for six months. The affair turned physical over one weekend. I ended the affair after the weekend face-to-face meeting. My husband still does not know of my affair (that's a whole different topic).<P>When I first began the emotional affair with the other man, I really did think that I was in love with him. I remember thinking that the OM was my soulmate and that my husband was just some dork that I got temporarily stuck with along the way. As the intensity of the emotional affair increased, everything that my husband said or did was unbelievably irritating. Obviously, I was unbelievably irrational. <P>In my case, the other man lived many states away, so for the first six months, we were only able to communicate by phone or via e-mail or chat. So, until we set up a weekend getaway, I had only seen e-mail snapshots of him. <P>Anyway, I did set up a weekend getaway with the OM. We had sex and then returned to our respective homes. I ended the affair. At first, I was tormented. I thought that I had lost the "love of my life". I thought that I had lost my "prince" forever. But, as I turned back to God, my eyes were opened and my heart was changed. I began to see the OM for what he really was...a "frog"...scum...a dork...lazy and physically not someone to whom I would normally take a second look. This guy had left his pregnant wife and child before I came into the picture. He was ill-mannered. He was not sophisticated. He was OPPOSITE of what I thought a "prince" should be. <P>Why didn't I see all of that BEFORE I fell into the trap of having an EA and a PA? For me, I think that it really was an addiction. You see, my husband and I had been physically and emotionally silent for some time. So, it was easy for me to become addicted to hearing the OM say that I was beautiful and sexy and how he felt so lucky to be with someone like me (whatever). I was addicted to having something to talk about. I was addicted to NOT being lonely anymore.<P>Even more painful that realizing that the OM was NOT my prince was the realization that my husband was the true prince. God showed me that the OM was a big bag of scum. God also revealed to me that my husband was gentle, kind, disciplined, patient, loving, slow-to-anger...and to top it off, strikingly handsome. My fantasy world crumbled very quickly. I began to understand the ugliness of what I had done to my wonderful Christian husband...and I was broken before God.<P>In spite of the terrible things that I said/did/thought, etc., God and my husband were both faithful to me. They both waited patiently for me to wake-up and listen.<P>I told you my story so that maybe you will have hope that your husband's heart can be changed and that his eyes can be opened, too. <P>Obviously, I'm not an expert in all of this. I guess my advice to you is to continue to be strong and faithful. Continue to do what is right. Continue to come here and "vent" when you need to...there are some great people here.<P>In a nutshell, the answers to your questions are as follows:<P>I thought I was in love, but I was really in the middle of a fantasy realm/addiction. No, it wasn't true love...but it was true stupidity in its purest form. God opened my eyes and He is continuing to help me in my stale marriage. He is continuing to show me new and wonderful things in my husband to love.<P>I'm very sorry about your situation. Keep me posted on what's happening.<P>Love in Christ,<P>Jill<BR>

ok....My H won't agree to counseling, but I am thinking of going by myself...for ME! I need someone to help me put things into perspective, maybe I just need to vent every now and then. I can't do that with him!<P>My H seeked the OW and I do think that he was looking for a way out of our marriage. I never knew that he wasn't happy. He wouldn't tell me that anything was wrong, even when I asked. He just turned against me and shut me out! I was totally shocked when he finally told me what was going on. He expected/wanted me to throw him out, but instead, I left. I couldn't stay in my home because to me it was no longer MY home. I came to my senses and I went home, he left. He came back and left 3 more times over a couple of months. <P>The whole time he was gone, he would tell me how much he loved me and knew the right thing to do, but just couldn't do it. He felt obligated to her because he pursued HER. She was having marriage problems and he convinced her to move here. By the way she is still legally married and I don't know if she is seeking a divorce. He lived with her for a week one time, and came home to me for a month, then lived with her again for almost 2 weeks. I might also mention that he hired her. She became his secretary! What an ego trip he was on. <P>I asked him to meet me one day after work and told him that I was filing separation the next day if he didn't leave her then. He did leave her and stayed in a motel for a week or so. Then he came back to me. I thought that things were going well! He hasn<BR>t had contact with her at all. That's what he tells me anyhow. He also quit his job when he left her. <P>He says that he loves me and always will, but he feels more for her right now than he does for me. That is really hard to deal with! It's hard to think that he loves someone else. To know that he isn't here mentally, but with her. He tells me that he wants us to work, that he is not leaving again! I don't know what to do except to pray for him. Pray that his blinders come off so that he can see what is real! I hope that his emotional tie with her will go away. I need pray for strength to deal with my pain. <P>Some things have changed. H said that he didn't love me anymore when he first left. He said that his head was foggy and he was confused. He has seemed to come out of that some, but apparently not enough. He wants to stay with me and our children. He wants to work on US, but he doesn't know how to stop feeling for her. I pray that what he feels for her is something else. How can I live with a man that is in love with another woman?

hi just me:<BR>Well your story is so similar to mine and tootrusting. You can search for our posts. <P>My h and I went to counseling and after only 2 months he resumed contact with ow again. Only I did not know it at the time. He did start to say he was wondering about her. Well, she only lives 2 miles away from us and her daughter is in the school where my h works. I was such a fool. I sensed the distance from him emotionally. He never allowed us to heal because he refused to break all contact with her. Meanwhile he tells everyone he gave 100% in counseling. He did nothing be but lie thougthout it. HE just was not ready to be there. He needed to get away from her. I wish we moved away at that point.<P>This is essential. I don't want to upset you but it sounds like your h is probably doing the same thing. What I have come to realize is nothing we do will help them stay away from OP. They have to be the ones to do it themselves.<P>My h is currently living with OW. YUCK!!!<BR>I feel totally hopeless with my situation. But, if you read some of the post on this board, you will manage to get a little bit of hope back. Look for Lostva. She is an inspiration.<P>I could be dead wrong on your h actions. But, it is exactly how my h acted....<P>Remember that saying If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be. <P>Keep saying that to yourself. Even if he needs to get away emotionally from you for awhile, at least he is still at home and you can try to Plan A him. <P>Just take it one day at a time. Thats all I can do. I go for tons of counseling. I reach out to anyone I can for help. I am addicted to this board as well. Lots of great people here.

I've been reading posts here since December. I too am addicted. I come here at times when I am down and need some encouragement. Just to know that someone hears and is going through the same things helps me not to feel too alone!<P>We are not in recovery! I thought that we were, but since the conversation I had with H, I know differently. He loves her still and hasn't let go, therefore he hasn't started recovery yet with me. He hasn't been able to get over her nor does he know how. I have changed since I found out the truth, so he also has changed. Both of us are distancing ourselves from each other because of this. I know that he is trying. I too am trying, but we both are having a hard time even looking each other in the eye sometimes. He keeps telling me that since he has come home....NOTHING has changed...meaning his feelings for her! That hurts! <P>We also have another problem. Right after I found out about his affair in November, my sister and her H started having problems. My sister is the betrayer, so my brother-in-law comes by often to vent to my H and me. It kind of throws everything back in our faces when we are trying to heal. H can see what he is going thru and well, things just arn't good. It is hard to be nice to my sis knowing that she is doing the exact same thing to her H. Life is difficult! <P>Today brother-in-law came over with more problems. But this time I think it did some good. My H tells him things that he went through and what he is going thru in aspect to their relationship. That also tells ME how my H is feeling about me. I asked a few questions and made a few comments. I think it helped us to talk openly by not directing hurt towards each other. It was good! So, I asked H to consider couseling. I said see this is good, we can get our feelings out without hurting each other. We can learn to understand what each other is feeling! H said that he will consider it! H just left to work with brother about 6 hours away for 2 days. I hope that it will give us time to relax a bit, and I am also hoping that he will actually miss me! I pray! <P>I just want this bad bad feeling that I have to go away. My heart is racing and all I can feel is hurt. I want the hurt to go away and I just want to see the love I have for H. I want to feel safe, and secure, and actual joy for a change! I also take medicine that calms my nerves. Sometimes I just can't be positive no matter how hard I try. I should act normal with H and continue to show him affection and love. I do, but I don't think it is coming across right because he can sense my depression and hurt! I guess I just need some kind of encouragement and I need to realize that I can't get that from him right now!

Vol <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by just_me:<BR><B>ok...I would like to hear from those who thought they were deeply in love with OP and overcame it. Was it an addiction? Was it true love? What helped you to love your spouse the way that you should? Any advice would help me.<P>My H and I are in recovery now for the past 2 or so months. H had an EA/PA with someone he knew from his past. He has just recently told me that he loves her. That he is "in-love" with her. He says that he loves me and always will, but doesn't feel what he feels for her. We are both having a hard time. He has become more distant again, and I'm not sure how to stay with him because this info has hurt me so. I don't want to share my husbands love with someone else. <P>He has told me several times that he wants US to work and wants to stay married. He is hoping that he will feel more for me eventually. Any advice on this subject would help. Any advice on what I should do would help. I try and focus on the fact that he has stayed and does love me, instead of what I don't have. Instead of what has been taken from me. The loss is overwhelming at times, so any encouragement would be appreciated. Every day is difficult. I'm suprized I make it 'til the next morning, but then I realize I just have to do it all over again and again. <P>My only comfort has been knowing that God loves me unconditionally. No matter what I've ever done...he will be there for me. I am not completely alone! I Hold on to that! Thank you!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Well, I am a person who now lives with ups + downs everyday! I live in a circle where everything goes round and round including my emotions and apparently my marriage! Will it ever end?????<BR>

This is my first time to write but I understand what you are feeling....my wife has fallen in love with a man on the internet which became her addiction....this is the second man in less than a month....I know it's a symtom of our relationship but I am willing to change to keep my family together....she maynot be...she says he is real has phone conversations with him throughout the day and has home video tapes that she watches of him...it is hard to show that I can give her the emotional support that has been missing in her life but I truly want to change....I understand your hurt and pain but with friend, support and your belief in God it will get better....I have to believe this also

I am sorry that there are so many people out there in our position. It is just so terrible! I understand that if I want any chance for my marriage to succeed, then I MUST change! I must find hope somewhere and YES that can only be with God! I must believe things will get better. I must trust in God to carry this burden for me, so that I can function normally! God bless you and I wish that your marriage works out also!

Thank you....I have been going crazy about this and a friend told me about this sight...I never realized that so many were going thru these issues

Just wanted to say that it helps when we can stop worrying about our own problems for a minute and take the time to help someone else. That is when I realize that I AM strong!!!! That I WILL survive this nightmare!!!!

I guess you are right....but it's take awhile to get strong and overcome to shock and emotion....

Hi, all! I'm new so bear with me since I don't know anyone yet. When you say "addiction," do you mean sex addiction or addicted to the "affair person?" They are different. You can be addicted to a person without having a sex addiction. Both are frustrating and very difficult to deal with, so whichever it is, I hope it works out for you!