I have replied a few time with no response....I need to get some advise about my wife and her internet now phone lover who she says she is in love with.....I no I have fallen short of meeting her emotional needs but I am truly changing....she says she loves me but not in love with me and this new guy meets those emotional needs that I couldn't....she talks with him all day long and has video tapes of him and his friends...my kids are destroyed that I am not at home but it's so hard not to say the wrong things...I thought about calling him but she said she would leave for sure if I did that and he only wants what's best for her and would wait until after we divorce....I'm at a loss<p>[This message has been edited by Vol (edited May 25, 2000).]

Welcome <B>Vol</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>What your W is saying is so typical...<BR>see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>50 signs your spouse is having an affair (All found on this board)</A> and the other links in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post (section called <B>Before/After Discovery-Day</B>)<P>Stick with a very hard core <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P><BR>Exactly, why aren't you home?...<BR>Has the divorce started?...<BR>If you have moved out... consider moving back in!<P>Prayers to you, Vol <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 24, 2000).]

Hi Vol and welcome,<P>Sorry you have'nt been replied to on your other posts, I'm sure the "experts" will be along soon to give you great advice on where to start, though you sound like you know about the basics with the "needs" thinking.<P>It helps me to come here and read, and re-read a lot of the posts. Also, go to the Recovery section, I learn a lot from the posters there.<P>Have you moved out of the house? Sounds like it. MB says it's better if you can stay in the house, but I can't always agree with that one. Sometimes we need a little space to get our heads straight and start working hard.<P>One word of advice, don't call the OM. This will truly be a LB for her, and as tempting as it is, what can it really add to your life in a good way if you speak with him. It helped me to learn that this is not about OM anyway, obviously because of her jumping from one "romance" to another these men mean nothing to her. <P>It will take some time, which is the hardest thing to take. Can you get her out of the house and talking to you? Any way to get her away from the computer? Plan a family outing? I know the computer can be really addictive, especially for a lonley person, so maybe spend more time paying attention to her so she won't need her virtual playmates.<P>Keep posting, and reading, and good luck!<BR>

That you so much....it has made me feel better reading others who have experienced what I am going thru...I am out of the house until friday...I really have no place to go...I know it will take time but it's very hard, knowing she speaks with him everyday and makes plans for the future...I was in the military for 20 years and it's hard to hard to be patient....I know I must if there is any hope, but a friend says she is addicted and must have time to see that i'm truly changing for the better

Hi Vol,<P>Visit "netaddiction.com", it may give you a bit of insight into what's happening with your wife.<P>Read all the stuff on this site and take care.

Vol:<P>Have you read all about Plan A and Plan B? It may help you to figure out a plan of action. <P>I know this really hurts. My H can't seem to shake his addiction to "web friends". The only thing I can think to tell you (remind you?) is that her web/phone friends are A FANTASY! She doesn't realize it yet, but those guys have morning breath and bad days just the same as anyone else--she never sees it.<P>I'm betting she gets admiration from them. That seems to be a theme of my H's "conversations" I've snooped on. Make sure that you tell her that you're proud of her (for anything you can think of that doesn't bug you right now--keeping up the house, looking nice, anything).<P>You say that your friend told her she needs to know that you have changed. What do you see as things you need to change?<P>Good luck. Let us know how it's going. --HBC

Thanks for the advise....I have begun the change and it feels good....I have never complimented her enough but I thinks she is as beautiful today as she was 13 years ago when I met her....I need to understand plan A & B better but not sure where to begin if she is not ready to give up th OM....I am ready for counseling but not sure if she is...I also know deep down she still has feelings but I need to break those walls down to rekindle that flame...I no I can do it if she gives me a chance....<p>[This message has been edited by Vol (edited May 25, 2000).]

you can plan A, even if she is not ready to give him up. it is your change in behavior that will help her decide to give him up. you will become so attractive to her that she won't need him for any of her emotional needs, you will be fulfilling them all!

Vol:<P>Here are some links to Dr. Harley's articles on infidelity that are on this site:<P>What are Plan A and Plan B?: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>How affairs usually begin: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html</A> <P>How an affair should end: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html</A> <P>Restoring the relationship: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html</A> <P>Overcoming resentment: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html</A> <P>I also suggest you get a few books from the library or the bookstore (the first two are available from this site, and, no, I don't get kickbacks!):<P>Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley<BR>His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage by Dr. Harley<BR>After the Affair : Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring<P>There are other good ones out there. Maybe someone else has a suggestion?<P>Plan A is what you start on while your wife is still involved with the other person. It gives you some ways to talk to your spouse without doing things that hurt your relationship (love busters).<P>If you have more questions, folks here are usually pretty good about trying to help. Good luck to you! --HBC

Vol,<BR>Your friend here, I have been in plan A for a long time. It has made a difference but it is harder until they give them up. But at least your wife has not met this guy or has it been so long. You can find plan A on this sight and his books are helpful too. You can get them at a lot of bookstores or on Amazon. Harley's "Give & Take" was a good one and if I remember correctly it talked about all his other concepts. Hope the day was better and that you talked to your wife more. I believe she will come around as she sees you acting on your words and as you together get a handle on things.

<BR>Vol,<P>You are where I was almost 3 years ago. Be sure you don't make the same mistakes I did. If I had known about this site then, I'd be in good shape now. You're looking at a marital gold-mine of great help here. Read it all, memorize the good parts, and have a good marriage!<P>I can tell you right now what emotional needs this guy meets for your wife: conversation and probably affection. She's saying she's "in love" with this guy, and all they've done is talk? There's your answer. My wife was/is the same way.<P>This experience will really show what you're made of, Vol. You've got to step up to the plate and win her back and you probably won't get too many chances from here on out.<P>Here's the game plan that I'm using now. It's working - slowly, but I'm making progress. This stuff works!<P>Step 1: Eliminate lovebusters.<BR>Step 2: Practice conversing with her.<BR>Step 3: Go to step 1.<P>You could probably add Step 2.5: Display affection every chance you get and be sure it's displayed in a way that your wife appreciates.<P>She gets to decide what a lovebuster is. Believe me, she'll let you know - and likely already has. You may have to come out and ask, and that's ok as long as you really really listen to her answer and eliminate those lovebusters. No matter what it is, it's important to her and if you really love her you'll make it important to you. If she wants you to get the socks in the hamper, do that. If she hates the mess in the bathroom after you brush your teeth, clean it up. If it bothers her that you leave the light on, make sure you turn it off. Whatever it is, even if you think it's inconsequential, it's tremendously important because your marriage is on the line. If you could turn off the lights to save your marriage, wouldn't you do it?<P>You've got a great opportunity here but you have to get yourself back home and work the plan.<P>Let us know how it goes.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Thanks...I'm trying but I need to be more patient and understanding (if there is a thing)...she is not as "in your face" with it know and says he is on the back burner...I know that is not true...but I will try everything before giving up...I have 3 wonderful children that need both parents....I would like to talk with you more about this tomorrow...thanks again