I am so tired of all of the 1/2 truths. My H supposedly ended the PA back in January when I confronted him. Two weeks later I stated that he needed to end the "friendship", clearly an EA, if he wanted to live here. They work together so this is a struggle for him (not willing to leave job).<P>Today I borrow his car, because he has mine. I find a cassette tape of mixed songs from her in the stereo (I know her handwriting). I don' know if it is an old tape that I asked him to get rid of or a new one (much worse problem in my eyes)<P>Do I confront him about the tape - why he has it, when she gave it to him ? Or do I just put it back and pretend I didn't see it and it doesn't break my heart.<P>Although, honestly, talking about it hasn't done much good in the past. Everytime I try to talk about what is going on, what our next steps are, I do all of the talking. He says he wants to follow the 4 MB rules, but NEVER has time to sit down and read or discuss what that means for us.<BR> <BR>I have told him again and again how important total honesty is to me and how much it hurts me that he still has contact with her - he says he understands but very little changes. In the past when I have confronted him (cell phone calls or obvious lies) I NEVER LB, and always stress that the truth is more important to me that what the truth is.<P>I just don't know how to get him to tell me where he is at. I am so tired of being disappointed and I am so discouraged.<P>I just don't know how much longer I can take all of this. Plan A-ing is too hard.

It is very hard, I know. He may well BE trying, but he is not operating at top capacity right now... confusion and fog will prbably hang around a while, and it is hard for him to "work" on the marriage until it does.<P>It may well be an old tape that he just couldn't bring himself to toss yet...just ask him calmly, "there's a tape of xxx's in your car...when did she give it to you?" Then, tell him it bothers you, and you would feel better if he got rid of it.<P>Hang in there...the fog DOES take a while to lift...

hey sis, it's me!<BR>Sorry to hear about your latest disappointment, guess this occured after our talk today. Not that I am in your shoes like others here, but for what it is worth, I would just burn the tape (or pound with a hammer) and toss out. Don't even tell him you found it. He'll figure it out, and probably he'll be glad he didn't get confronted with it by you. If talking to him and bringing it up never seems to help, then don't this time around, just destroy it and let him get the non verbal message. Maybe it was an old tape afterall. I would be more concerned if a new tape, because that means he spoke to her about it when she gave it to him (clearly not 'professional only' communication), and it might mean she is still not over him. More reason for those two to be away from each other permanently, but you know how strongly I feel about that. He is making it SO HARD for you to agree to let them continue working togther. He's forcing your hand to call for an ultimatum like consequence seems like. I know this has been no help, but wanted you to know I saw your post, and figured AT&T got enough of our money already today. Hope others here can help you out! See you Friday!! (Duesoon's son, my new nephew, is being Baptized!!)

kam6318,<BR>Thanks so much for your response. I allowed some time to cool off and didn't ask him about it until this morning. I calmly said "When I was in the Honda today I couldn't help but notice..." He said "oh, yea" It ends up it IS an old tape. when I asked him how he still had it he said he hadn't been able to find it until now. <P>I think it went really well - I didn't take the conversation any further than that and was very sweet when he left for work.<P>It is SO HARD to remember that their "failures" are not a reflection of us and does not make all of the work pointless.<P>thanks, kam

Good for you!!! <P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi