Is it possible to "disengage" oneself from the relationship, take a full break (no contact whatsoever) while still Plan A-ing? How does this affect the wayward spouse who is working on firing-up his new relationship with the other woman? Won't it be "out-of-sight-out-of-mind?" I don't want to kill the small chance we have at saving this marriage, but I'm really having a hard time with the emotions of seeing him, even for five mminutes, every three or four days. Can I in effect do Plan B without having it be a full blown PlanB? Isn't there any grey area here? HELP!

<BR>I think it's possible. I've done it, but it hasn't been easy and I may have destroyed my own chances of saving my marriage in the process.<P>I wish I had more time to explain but I don't. I'll try to get back later.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Ok, I was reading too fast before. I haven't done what you're asking. What I have done is detach myself from my W. It might help you, it might not.<P>What I finally had to do was accept that I would not be able to stay with my W unless she made some changes. I already knew *I* would be making some changes, but I had to internalize and really come to grips with the idea that I could end up alone and that it would be ok to be alone rather than stay married the way my W was. That acceptance gave me enough emotional leeway to concern myself less with her and more with me. I got busy working on myself and spent less time obsessing over her.<P>By the way, it's working for me. I can see that she's more interested now than she was a few weeks ago. It's still tough, and there are good days and really really horrible days, but by and large I can see that she's noticing and reacting to my changes. It's still way too early to even hope for recovery, though.<P>To get to your question about getting under control via Plan B while still implementing Plan A...it seems like we would need to know what you mean by "having a hard time with the emotions". Do you get angry? If you do, work on that. Do you lose your composure? That's tougher, but it's something you can at least identify and try to control. Controlling the LB's was the toughest thing for me but I'm doing a lot better and I'm still improving. And remember, YOU don't get to say what a LB is - he does.<P>What you really need to be able to to, even if you see him for only five minutes every three or four days, is look like you are an attractive, happy woman who is delighted to see him. Make him comfortable in every way. Don't ask questions except to converse, like current events or the weather or sports or whatever. I'd add that as much as possible, you should be strong and independant and not needy.<P>I hope this is somehow helpful. Some of the Plan-A heroes ought to be along to help you some more. Hopefully lostva or sheba or someone like that can give you more specific help. You can do this. I tell all my friends that if I can do it, anybody can do it. It's true. You can.<P>Slightly Sane<BR><p>[This message has been edited by o2bsane (edited May 25, 2000).]