Great idea bc,<P>Go visit your parents! Be surrounded by people who care about you. Don't even talk about H & OW, or at least try not to. Focus on enjoying your weekend and nothing else!

bc,<P> Go to your parents. Can you stay with them for 2 weeks or so? Do it if you can. Do not have contact with your h. Read, Read about Plan B. Read about Plan B. Think, Think about Plan B. Do not go to your previous home until you really really can quote Plan B outloud without notes. Study Plan B like it is a final. Pretend you have to stand up and describe Plan B without notes. Work on it. Then you might be able to understand why we want you to remove yourself from any contact with those that are not "with" you right now. <P>Being AWAY, NO CONTACT for at least a week will give you time to decompress and restore your soul. Please give this a try. You have tried everything else. KEEP GOING to ALAON. Hang at your parents. Do not answer the phone, ask them to say you are not there. You need to be away. Stay away from all activities any where near your H. Sleep, eat, work, stay at your parents. Just give yourself time away. It will not be the end of the world if you don't talk with your h.

I am thinking about leaving. Not sure if I can go to my parents or not. Not because they wouldn't want me there but I am 36 years old and don't want to depend on them. I am actually looking at houses to rent. I talked to my lawyer and he said if I moved out we could sue my H for maintenance for rent. I am sure he doesn't want to have to use HIS money to pay for my rental but I can legally do that.<P>Right now all he is worried about is the stupid cell phone from the OW. He told me it was his and he paid for it and now he says it is hers and he has to give it back. Well I told him if she wants it to come to the house and I will give it to her. That didn't make him happy. He doesn't want me talking to her at all. Surprise maybe I would tell her something that he has lied about. Imagine that. I have to admit I did call her and tell her just what I told my H. If she wants the phone come and get it. My H has the nerve to say that he can't use our house phone, the cell phone he had and still has a $165 bill from calling her and this phone. He says he wish they never had cellphones any one he has had has got him nothing but trouble. I told him that if he wasn't calling her on them they wouldn't be trouble.<P>I have to tell myself stop thinking about them stop thinking about them. Just like I wanted to go to the races but knew she might be there so I didn't go. Not to mention that when my H left he was mad at me and most likely will stay out again tonight. This is his way of punishing me.

BC,<P>Kinda new to this forum, usually post on Plan A/Plan B.<P>Wanted to say that for a yr I was in a very similar situation. And I was so messed-up because of what my H was doing I knew I was going crazy. It got worse and worse.<P>Everyone around me knew I was going thru something. I dropped 40 lbs in 3 mos. I almost lost my job. OW was calling non-stop and harrassing me. I resorted to tranquilizers to cope and got addicted. And to top things off I was diagnosed w/cervical cancer. My H started acting worse even aft that. I knew this was a nigtmare and I was going to wake up. I prayed and prayed ... nothing was helping.<P>What I found was I was concentrating so much on what he was doing that I wasn't caring about myself. I lived and breathed him. Every day it was something new but horrid. He had an influence on me and he knew it, he manipulated me with it and almost killed me, only because I was letting him.<P>My advice to you .. no matter how hard it is you need to STOP WORRING ABOUT HIM. Start remembering who BC is. BC does not deserve this. BC is a good person. BC needs to take care of BC. All the crap he's doing is not important. What's important is how you react to what he's doing. And sounds like your like me and can't handle it. So STOP WORRYING ABOUT HIM. All this will pass, I promise, there will be a day when it's ended and you won't feel this pain, but in the meantime STOP WORRING ABOUT HIM. He is not worth your peace of mind or your sanity and health.<P>I don't mean to be stern, but I had someone say these same words to me. They were loving but stern. They made sense. I'm not perfect, and I still get caught in the trap of letting what my husband does dictate how I feel. It's not worth it. Please believe me.<P>I am thinking of you and will pray for you.<P>Get strong! Find yourself again, your in there somewhere.<P>-Jo

Jo,<P>It sounds like me too. I went through a time where I lost weight looked terrible and my job is still on shakey ground. My H manipulates me too. Like not coming home nights, he knows it drives me crazy so that is my punishment. In the past week he has only been home two nights and out the otheres including last night. I have no idea when he will stop in next. I know he is with the OW and that just about kills me. We had a fight yesterday before he left and I knew he wouldn't be home. His way of punishing me. I wish he would just leave for good and then I would know he wasn't coming home.<P>I try to keep telling myself it is his drinking and that causes him to chose to do things he normally wouldn't like be with this OW. When he doesn't get his way he gets mad or if I tell him no he gets mad. He in some ways is like a two year old even though it is me that he tells to grow up. He told me yesterday he doesn't come home because he doesn't want to. Well then pack up and move out and leave me some sanity. Only he has too much to lose by leaving. He needs the garage to work in and do his side jobs and race car thing. Without being here he wouldn't have that. Maybe he doesn't realize that it won't be here forever and neither will I.<P>Actually I am seriously thinking about leaving.

bc,<P>Your H is NOT doing these things as a way to punish you. He does all these things for himself only. He is only thinking of what gratifies him. NOT YOU!<P>Here is where the problem is. You keep thinking that he does these things to punish you. That is where you are wrong.<P>Your H is an alcoholic. Because you don't agree with his style of living, he wants to get away from you. He doesn't want to be around a peson that doesn't support his nasty living habits.<P>He hangs around with people who support him. He is NOT thinking, "I'm going to stay away from bc just to punish her."<P>All your H wants it to DRINK DRINK DRINK....and to be surrounded by people who are the same.<P>So, PLEASE FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Your H is NOT thinking about you....only himself!<P>All that he does is for himself! The unfortunate thing is that what he does, affects you negatively. That's why you think that he does these things as a way to punish you.<P>Remember, THIS IS NOT TRUE. Please stop thinking that this is all about you because it isn't.<P>It is about him! He is the one with the problem. You are going to go insane if you don't stop thinking this way.<P>I care about you and that's why I've been following your posts and giving you advice to DETACH DETACH DETACH!<P>Please stay strong. Focus only on yourself. You can get through this. You don't need to be with a person who will just bring you down. He is NOT the same person that you married. Take a long hard look at him and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be with a man who is this way?"<P>I bet the answer is "No"<P>Please visit your family and friends. When you do, don't even bring up your H. Just concentrate on having a good time. FOCUS ON YOU!

NoTrust,<P>Thanks again for trying to wake me up I was actually just reading my pamphlets from Alanon and the book One day at a time. I was trying to remind myself that my H is sick. I did look at him the other night when he came home drunk and acting like he was God and what he said went and what I thought didn't matter. He staggered around the kitchen dropping things on the floor eating with his mouth open. At that point in time I asked myself if that is really the man I want. I don't think so but I still care about him so much. Maybe if it was just the alcholism that I was dealing with but this OW thing has really got me. This smug OW is acting like she won a prize in fact I think she did and its the Booby prize. He is no prize in fact I don't see much that I like anymore.<P>I found him in the bar the other day and come to find out he had been drinking since noon and at that time it was 6pm. He gave me the "I don't want to talk and I don't want to come home anymore" The little God routine. He did come home about a half hour later and barely made it in the house before he passed out. I found out from a friend that they were putting shots in their beers no wonder he was so drunk. He and another guy were supposedly very obnoxious in the bar too.<P>So after rambling yes there isn't alot that is attractive any more to me. He only goes out at night to drink and see the OW. She strokes his ego. I have told him that the only important person in his life right now is himself. What he wants he gets and the h*** with anyone else. The OW is the same way as long as she gets what she wants its fine.<P>He didn't come home last night and then called me today at noon to tell me he was alive and he was going to visit his parents for awhile. I still think he was with the OW but am not sure why he even called. I did call about a house rental that I am checking into. I think that maybe seeing he won't leave only when he chooses to that I will find another place to live. At least that way it will be my own safe place and he won't be coming and going and I won't have a phone so he won't be calling. Financially it might be real tough but I really think I need to get away from him. I only seem to provoke him when we are together so why be together.<P>But you are right, do I really want him this way????????? I don't think so. But I do still love him or the him I use to know.