I’m still alive although it was difficult NOT to stick a shotgun in my mouth. Okay, I didn’t have one so it was impossible but it was something I was really considering. I came very, very, VERY close to jumping onto the highway in front of a truck though.<P>Wednesday on the way to the airport, I found out my Wife WOULD be at the funeral. Immediately my stomach went crazy & I got an enormous headache. She asked her sister why I was going and if I was going to cause trouble. Her sis told her I was part of the family & it’s only right I should go.<P>Arrived in SF about 1 AM. The in-laws & Wife came over about 9 the next morning. We actually hugged although it was like I was a leper or something.<P>Thurs night we went to a viewing for BIL at funeral home. His wife is Filipino so she was really wailing away. I immediately lost it. Sat in the back & cried for about 30 minutes. My Wife came up & asked why I was crying. DUH! I told her because of everything & she told me to stop. I couldn’t. She came back a few minutes later & said her Mom asked me to stop. I couldn’t so I went outside. Her brother came out a few minutes later to check on me. He said I should come back in as I was part of the family. I apologized to Mom. It was their grieving period & I didn’t want to impinge on it. I did sit up front with them.<P>We were pretty much not talking to each other the entire time. We rode around in a van. I was in the middle seat & she was in the back. He sister pinched my arm & I squeezed my Wife’s leg. She said she didn’t do it & I said oh and squeezed her leg again. Later all of us went for pizza & after I rubbed her on the back & said see ya’ tomorrow.<P>Sat we went to downtown Frisco and drove down Lomard St. I told everyone about when we went there four years ago how my Mom got out & walked down because she was scared & asked her if she remembered. (Trying to bring up happy times we had together).<P>We drove her to the airport. I had my arm on the back of the seat directly in front of her so she could see my wedding ring plain as day. At the airport she expected to get out by herself. I got out & she said, “where are you going?” DUH! I walked her to the ticket counter. She gave her brother a hug & I gave her the card. I also got another leper hug & I said, “take care of yourself.” I walked out & lost it again. Got in the van & her sis & Mom were rubbing my back because they understood what I was going through. It was pretty bad for me having to ship her off again.<P>I thought about asking her for Christmas then, but I didn’t want to put her on the spot. I’ll send a card with school pix & ask her then. I don’t know if I made an impression or not. Didn’t do any love busters the whole time.<P>It was about the worst week I have had in my life. Having my Wife sitting two feet from me & not being able to hold her hand or even really to speak to her. At least she’s not pregnant. God, she’s such a beautiful lady & I Love Her so much. This is so painful sometimes.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris -- Hugs and prayers my friend.<P>God Bless

Chris, I'm so sorry. <BR>I haven't anything specially uplifting to say,just wanted to say that we're here, and send a big hug to you and the girls.<BR>Kat<P><BR>

Dear Chris,<P><BR>Well, looks like you're a night owl too, staying up so late. Stress does that to you, I guess.<P><BR>Well, you'd probably rather hear from someone in the same shoes as you, but here I am - click on the sunglasses to hear about what an a**h0!e I was to my H. And that still ain't the half of it.<P><BR>Chris, I am concerned about you and I can see that you are experiencing a deep depression. You, as a man, father, and productive member of society must realize one thing - if you commit suicide or at least hurt yourself as badly as you are planning to, you may be free of the pain. BUT - you don't know what for sure, neither do I since neither of us have ever died. Next, and most importantly, you have an obligation to your childern to be around for them in the best way that you can for as long as you can. The kids obviously are not receiving any parenting from their mother - if you follow thru with your thoughts of suicide, they will have no one and nothing. <P><BR>This is not to say that my heart does not go out to you - it certainly does. I carry with me the heavy weight of guilt for having cause the same kind of pain and torture to my H. I saw him cry so many nights ... I don't want to relive those memories, but I drag myself thru them.<P><BR>Chris, believe me, I entertain thoughts of suicide myself some days. As time marches on, they occur less and less. I think the only thing that has stopped me from actually acquiring the instruments of my demise is thinking of how it would devestae my younger brothers - i can see them crying at my funeral .... wearing suits.... too much. Believe me I was there and still go there on occasion.<P><BR>You and I are in the same boat, we both need to talk to a counsellor about our pain. I have already had one appointment with mine, scheduled another but she called in sick that day, tomorrow morning I will call her again to reschedule. I too am in the Air Force (Air National Guard, weekend warrior, yeah, yeah) but was active duty Army for two long years - in the military there are plenty of resources for soldiers (aka airmen) to get help. And, as you likely already are aware of, adultery and the military are no strangers. Be choosey, Chris, find the right person to talk to - you will have your pick - and its FREE! (or close to it, depending on the new Tricare standards). I have a co-pay, but its worth it! <P><BR>Hang in there, keep posting! <P><BR>

Chris,<P>This has been a hard week for you. Please please give some time and thought to things. You never know what seeing your W has done to her also. I do believe that God works in very mysterious ways. However, you have to hang around to find out HE has in the plan for you. <P>You have been very strong and you will be again. The combination of going to BIL's funeral and seeing your W is very difficult. You will triumph in this whole thing Chris. In many ways you already have. Things that most people fear most you have already dealt with and very successfully. You D's are doing pretty well and will turn into beautiful young ladies because of you. You have improved yourself and have a much deeper understanding of people. The list is actually very long.<P>Have confidence in yourself, Chris. You have been doing very well. Your W will have to take care of herself.<P>Just remember: confidence, hope, and patience. They are the watch words here<P>Good Night Chris and take care.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

HI Chris,<BR> Sorry for your pain. You did the right thing going to your BIL's funeral. You ARE part of the family. I just went throught the same thing with my FIL. <P>Your W has a hard time because of guilt. You've been through a lot but it's never over... Sounds like you need to do something for yourself for a change. Buy yourself something you've ALWAYS wanted. Forget the price. A bid screen TV, a trip, a new set of clubs. Whatever, maybe soemthing you AND your D's can enjoy. You deserve it. Forget the money. If she's like my W she'll only get most of it anyway. JUst TREAT yourself!! Money will ALWAYS be around. YOU my friend, need to stick around too. The He** with her for a while. Think of YOU for a change.<BR> GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

Chris, hang in there, my friend. You ARE going to make it through this. Remember, baby steps - all you have to do is make it through one day at a time. It WILL get better. Promise! I'm so proud of you for not lovebusting. You done good!!!

Hi Chris,<BR> Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this pain.....it is undescribable and who would've ever thought that infidelity could cause such terrible heartache....I hope you feel better that the week is over....I pray that you will heal and feel GOOD one day.......LU

Chris: I'm sorry for your pain. Hang in there. Remember the baby-steps. Hugs to you...

Chris, I am so sorry. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.<BR>Viki

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Okay, I forgot to put this at the end of my original post.<P>SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME!<BR>Repeat.<BR>SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME!<P>I realize it will hurt so many people. I do have kids to take care of. I did tell them I would never leave them so I can't. Mom has already hurt them so much I couldn't do that to them.<P>I do have my men's group I go to on Mondays & I'm going to give the psychologist a call in a few minutes.<P>After I got home, I went to see some old friends. I used to attend bible study with their daughter. We had a good talk and she gave me somethings to think about God.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

HI Chris, I am so sorry that you had all this to deal with at one time-death, wife, her family, etc. I do not know where you get the unending strength. (((hugs))) and prayers, cl

The Lord Jesus Christ!<P>You are my strength, on You I wait upon!<p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited December 06, 1999).]

Chris,<BR>This is definitely one of those times when "God Doesn't Make Sense". In the end, all things will work out for the best. Hang in there, get into God's Word, and keep taking care of yourself and your daughters. i know you have your time line set up and you seem to not love bust your wife. Just a thought, maybe seeing you cry was a major lovebuster. I know when my h was off wandering, any emotion from me was a major turnoff. My counselor said it was critical for me not to cry in front of him. It's hell going through all of this and not being able to show your true emotions, but that is part of the deal. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Chris, I'm glad you realize how much you are loved and needed by your friends and family. It is so hard when there is direct contact. I am so sorry you had to go through all this. Hugs and prayers.

{{{{{Chris}}}}} (brotherly hug )<P>SHA

((((((((((((((((Chris))))))))))))))))<P>a leper hug is better than no hug......<P>and just think.....you would have caused whoever was driving the truck you were going to throw yourself in front of alot of emotional trauma.......thank goodness you didn't.....<P>seriously, give yourself and your kids a big hug.....I am very sorry for your pain.<P>Dylan

One other thing. Her entire family is way, way behind me on all this. No one is sticking up for what she is doing in any way. They are all really great. Love her Mom & sis to death. Most of them did get in a few jabs at her. While she was shopping with her Mom & sis, her sis said r3eal loud, "hey Mom, get me this Barney christmas ornament. I'm a good mom & I love my kids & take care of them." ZING!<P>And I ate nothing but white bread & drank nothing but Coke. She ordered a Coke at a restaurant. They only had Pepsi & she ordered 7-Up instead. Perhaps now she made herself really not like it? Oh, and now she likes country. She never did before. She's bending over backwards (literally & figuratively ) for him now.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited December 06, 1999).]