Betrayers/Betrayeds, alike:<P>I have been lurking on the MB Forum for a number of weeks now. I have been looking for vicarious support and encouragement for stories similar to mine. The themes and their resultant sadness are the same although the "how you got there" part varies slightly. My story is yet another twist on the same sordid saga. I feel compelled to state it here in the hope that I might get help/support/guidance from all of you. I ask your patience during my telling.<P>I am the OW. I am the betrayer. I am married with children and expecting our third, shortly. I had an affair with a married man. He was someone with whom I worked closely. He was higher in labor grade than me but not my supervisor. He was a number of years older. Our affair began in Summer '98 and continued full force through that same Fall. It temporarily ended with my telling my husband, only after his repeated and pointed questions, in December of that same year. 1999 began with me back with the OM. I became pregnant with the OM's child and had an abortion with the OM's full knowledge and consent. The procedure was performed out-of-state and supposedly very private. More on that later. The same weekend I was having the abortion the OM's wife contacted my husband with the evidence of our continued relationship. My husband called me and demanded my return. Upon leaving the clinic, I packed my bags, said goodbye to the OM, and went home to my husband and family. That marked the end of my PA with the OM.<P>I continued to work at the same place of employment, however. The EA aspects went on and on. We rarely saw each other given the geographics of the situation but the phone and email wee readily available. This continued frequently until I eventually quit my job in Fall '99. My leaving was one with my husband's encouragement and blessing. Even with my quitting my job, however, the EA continued, though not at the pace previously. The OM would call or email and I would eventually call back (major withdrawal!). I told myself that it was better that our relationship end this way, after all, hadn't enough already happened? Hadn't enough people been hurt by our actions? I was wrong! I should have told my husband that the OM was contacting me and I didn't. Being honest with myself, I liked still feeling important to the OM. Maybe this was an "out" in case my husband and I didn't make it? Which brings us to the current state of things...<P>The OM called my home late one evening about one month ago. The reasons for his call I do not know and probably never will. My husband became suspicious, traced the call to the OM, called the OM's wife telling her what had transpired, and had an attorney friend of his "talk" (threaten) the OM. The OM in turn hired an attorney threatening us with a lawsuit and the OM's wife called my husband alluding to her knowledge of the "horrible act your wife committed during the Winter of 1999". I have since come clean with EVERYTHING to my husband. This has been the most painful experience of my life and I'm sure my husband's as well. I have not had any contact with the OM since this all transpired.<P>I love my husband although my actions clearly do not show this. Can anyone be as deceitful as I have been and ask for acceptance much less forgiveness? Will my husband ever be able to look at me without disgust and instead, love? Will I ever stop hating myself for what I have done to my family? Will I be able to accept what I have done, make recompense, and move on? I know that I deserve every bit of his anger, resentment, and revulsion. What do I do now?<P>As a final note, because of everything that has happened recently, my husband requested a paternity test of the child I am now carrying. I am in "enthusiastic agreement" with his request. I will do anything to make him feel just a little bit better.<P>As I look over everything I have written I cannot believe this person is me. I hardly recognize the person I've become. Can you help me?

Yes, your husband can look upon you with forgiveness and love. You have to understand that it will take time for him to be able to trust you again, though. It is your place now to help him restore his faith and trust in you . You are on the right track by severing all contact with the OM. You also are making the right decision to agree readily to paternity testing. There are many success stories here and many that we don't hear about. The one thing that everyone says is that it takes TIME. I'm waiting on that myself. I am the betrayed, but I look on my h's remorse and his love for me and it makes it worthwhile to me to forgive and give him all my love. We are slowly rebuilding trust and are in counseling, but are doing very well.

Hi Lost It -<P>Welcome to MB and we will surely help you if you want us too!!<P>Since you have lurked a bit....have you read the MB principles and do you know what is required to get through these tough times and create a better "you" and marriage?<P>If not, please do so for the information, explanations and tools that Dr. Harley provides here are a must if you want to really turn things around.<P>That said, accept this BIG HUG because you surely could use one.<P>Don't beat yourself up, you will take advantage of this turmoil by learning about yourself, your H and your marriage!! Remember, the most important thing is not the bad choices we make, but what we do to rectify them that determines our character.<P>Have you done any self-examination to discover what led you down that rocky road you endured? Knowing the "whys" will help with the "where to go from here's"!!!<P>Most relationship problems begin and end with communication difficulties (with a lot of snowball events, self-esteem and fears in between). How are you and H at communicating...are there differences from when you married - to affair - to now?<P>Share some of your feelings of why you think this happened.....Do you feel differently now? Does H seem to want to work out any problems or is it something that is pushed by the wayside in order to "make nice" for now?<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>

Welcome <B>lost it</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>It applies to wayward spouses as well as betrayed!<P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You are not alone...<BR><B>hopeful now</B> and <B>Sheba</B> welcomed you nicely!<P>Do use all the iformation at this site!<P>Do start on your own personal <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>And stay here and read and post and ask!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Lost It...and welcome. Although I am the betrayed, I welcome you and can feel the remorse and love for your H in your post.<P>I will take some time for your H to get over all of this. There will be good days and plenty of bad days. <P>I can only speak for myself....but I did not want my husband to "fix" anything.....just to listen and understand my pain. To hold me and tell me that he would never leave and that the children and I were the most important thing in his life.<P>I knew I could trust again....because I loved him.<P>Sometimes I did get irrational....remember that sometimes the betrayed say things that need to come out...but they are not trying to hurt you....they sometimes just need to express themselves and their pain.<P>It will take alot of work...but it sounds like you are ready for all of that.<P>What a wonderful person you are to admit your mistake (we all make them) show remorse and want your family to stay together. You are doing the best thing a person can do....keep your family together and keep your commitment to your H and those beautiful children.<P>Good luck on the new baby...how wonderful<P>Nancy

To my respondents:<P>Hopeful now: Thank you for your kind words. You give me reason to hope. I can be patient and give him time. I only hope that he feels it is worthwhile. I don't have the answer to that yet. Right now it seems as though he is avoiding me. That hurts although I do understand. I needed your words of encouragement.<P>Sheba: Thank you for the hugs! I really needed those. I didn't feel quite as despicable after receiving them. <P>Yes! I want help! I have read the MB principles and am awaiting the arrival of my book order Surviving an Affair. I hope to start individual and marital counseling next week. I think that will help too. I keep re-reading Dr. Harley's articles and principles. I also keep eavesdropping on the FORUM. I have posted twice to others in trouble this weekend as well.<P>My husband and I are not communicating well right now. Before the affair we weren't communicating at all. We both acknowledge we had just given up. The reasons for that are many and varied. Should I post all of that too? My fear is that if I share all of that it sounds too much like justification. Nothing justifies the actions I have taken. <BR>Right now we're just making nice. If he does talk about the affair it is about sharing his anger and pain. I'd rather he do that than just ignore me (which is my other choice apparently at the moment).<P>Anyway, thank you for your welcome.<P>NSR: Thank you for your welcome as well. I have ordered "Surviving an Affair" and the newbie site is especially helpful with all of the acronyms used in the MB FORUM.<P>Mental: I wish that my husband could feel my remorse and love too. I'm glad though that someone can see it. I'm really trying! I don't feel at all like a wonderful person but thank you for saying so. I do desperately want my family to stay intact - I just don't know how to accomplish it all. It seems overwhelming. Thank you for your support and ability to forgive. It give me hope!

Lost It,<P>Belated welcome to our world...<P>I don't have much to add to what the others have stated...<P>If you are serious about counceling try Steve Harley<P>You can get in touch with him through the counceling center on this web site it is $85.00 us per session. Steve can give you and your H a specific plan to recover your marriage...Also his sister Jennifer Harley is available, she co-authored SAA with her father Dr. Willard Harley...<P>I used Steve as councelor and found him to be very insightful...<P>Keep posting and replying, we are here for each other.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I also would like to welcome you to the world of infidelity--none of us on either side of the affair like being here, but it is a place of comfort. I am one of the betrayed and I would give anything to think my ex is or was as remorseful as you seem. He did not want to work on the marriage and lives with the OW.<P>It is true when they say time is what is needed. I was in shock and dis belief, and then came the anger. He will need to get it out, so please be patient with him. You will hear about the roller coaster of emotions,so be prepared . In all honesty, it has taken almost 3 yrs for me to start the forgiveness, and trust is slowly returning, but we are no longer married, but have 4 children together. II'm glad you want to reconcile--divorce doesn't solve anything--it just creates different problems. I admire you for coming here and I hope things will work out.

Hi Lost it,<P>Well let's see, you have already heard from Sheba, Mental, NSR and who else? You got responses from some of the most experienced and thoughtful people here.<P>I can add nothing, except admiration for your honesty. And the reassurance that there is hope. It is odd but sometimes an affair is sort of like annealing, it makes a marriage stonger than ever.<P>Take care and come back.