Hey guys,<P>Having a bad day. Seems like sometimes I can shrug this and all those feelings that come w/it off and think about other things. But on week-ends I find myself obsessing. Hurts unbelievably.<P>I keep thinking that this is some big mistake and my H is coming home any minute. That he'll call me and say "Oh my God, what did I do?, I love you and this was some horrible mistake I made, please forgive me, I wasn't thinking strait, I never want to lose you."<P>Know it's not REAL thinking but can't help it seeping into my mind. When you have no family ties and your husband has been your one and all for so many years ... how do you do this???<P>He did say last Monday twice that he was so sorry for all the pain he's caused me. I didn't know what to say. It was aft his counseling session. It took me by surprise. Plus I think that he says things one day and doesn't remember them the next, so held off on a response. Then he said he wanted to spend some time w/me like dinner. So later, on Thursday I brought that up and he said "You just think about it,k?" <P>Up and down and up and down. Wish I could find soemone to hynotize me to forget him or at least be numb enough to ignore what he says and does. I guess I wish I didn't love him.<P>Like I said week-ends are so hard, and gee thanks for the extra day ... <P>I'm such a downer today... when will this get easier, when will I feel like myself again. When will I feel some joy and not feel like the rest of my life is going to be like this, alone and hurting? Waiting for him. How do you guys all do this??? Fell like I'm more insecure than most.<P>-Jo<P>

Josey,<P>I don't know your story, but I do know your pain.<BR>Somedays you just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.<BR>I know you miss him. I know you love him. The best advice I can give you now is, take care of yourself. <BR>I know it's hard, and you are hurting so deeply. You need to be strong.<BR>God will heal your heart, Josey. Give it over to Him. <BR>Sending you many cyber-hugs!<BR>I'll be praying for you.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

Jo,<P> You more insecure than most? LOL Havent you read any of my past posts?<BR> <BR>Lori( Lovsa) reccommended Life Statagies By Philip Mcgraw and I am reading it and working on getting myself stronger.<P>I have a hard time when H is off work and spends the day out away from the house.<P>What do you enjoy doing? Can you make plans with friends for the weekends? Maybe we should go out for coffee.<P><BR>Take care and the one thing I have learned is you have to try and not let their moods and hot and cold affect you so much. Do things for you and be happy with yourself and don't obsess about him. Easier said than done , right?<BR>Lora<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited May 28, 2000).]

Josi,<P>You live in a nice little place. Go find a coffee shop (tough assignment) and read the paper. <P>I, too, wished for the same. To hear the words "I'm sorry" and felt that was all that was needed. Lately I have had the fantacy that I will see her car in the drive when I turn the corner. I came to realize it may not happen just yet. I started walking on the trails in the park, joined others for a day hike up north, and found a bookstore (feminist...more on that later) with interesting authors giving readings a couple times a month. <P>I was told I may NEVER hearmy W say those words, but I, too, am not quitting yet.<P>At least he is calling, maybe out of guilt. If I had these tools from this site six or eight months ago, I think my wife and I may be closer to civility than we are. So not squander those chances with begging or whining. <BR>Women who know my W told me that way too late in the game. If I could turn the clock back...,oh well. Look at the materials for comfort and, dare I say, strategy.<P><BR>Hope the sun peeks out for you today.<P>RRunRR<BR>

Thanks for responding CeeCee and Lora!<P>I appreciate the kind words and prayers. Unfortunetly so much of my identity is tied up in my H. But you know what, when I talk to him now it's like he's a stranger. There are glimpses of my H just every so often, but rare. <P>I'll do my best today and make an effort to do something for me. I look in the fridge and pantry and see all the food is what H likes, honestly, there's barely anything I like to eat. Made me cry and then I was mad. <P>I wish whatever is gonna happen to us would happen now so I can get on with it. This waiting, praying and hoping is so hard. I don't want to languish like this for years. Dear Lord not years.<P>-Jo

Hey Lora,<P>BTW my email address is: Joanne.Merriam@Intel.com<P>Thought I'd share it since you sent me yours.<P>Jo<P><BR>

Thanks Jo,<P>Don't languish now! Get out and do something. I took a walk down on the waterfront with a friend and went to see her brothers boat. Got me out if the house for awhile. I planted all my flowers and tomatos and then it rained to water them.<P>Sounds like rrunrr lives around here too? <P>Do you have plans for tomorrow? Mine are kind of scarey. I am going to my MILs with H. Sister in law will be there too. They both know what is going on cause I spilled my guts to his sister when he told me he wanted out. However, he has seen them and hasn't told them anything and probably thinks they don't know. So will we have another one of those days sitting around with the elephant in the room? Will H take this opportunity to tell them? I doubt it.<BR>Should be interesting.<BR>Lora

Hi again,<P>My In-Laws (3 sisters) all know about it, I spilled my guts to them. They're disgusted because this is the second time he's done this. The first time they got involved and all gave him a piece of their minds.<P>H told one of his sisters, but just told her he wasn't happy and wanted out, told her it was all my fault. And guess what, never mentioned the OW. Big surprise.<P>I have played the tape of OW's pages for my sis-in-laws, they couldn't believe their ears. They apologized for my H and said how embarressed they were for him. The tapes are really bad. She's really hard and spent. She's the type you'd say was rode too hard and put away wet, if you get my meaning.<P>Was going to file a anti-harrassment order but because she's the mother of OC felt it would put a wedge between H & OC.<P>Lora, my guess is your H won't say a word. He'd be better off not to. He can't defend an affair unless he blames someone other than himself and he won't do that. Because then he's the bad guy all the way around.<P>Just do your Plan A and don't let anything he does or says tomorrow bother you. You, like the rest of us, do not deserve this. We all deserved a chance and to have been told bef an affair that our H's weren't happy. Then we could decide IF we wanted to work on it or give it up. Instead of being forced into this stressful heartwrenching horrid situation.<P>If it's okay to ask, does your husband want to leave? Do you snoop to try and find out what is going on so your not left in the dark or fearful of coming home to an empty house. I did and it helped sometimes and other times it hurt incredibly.<P>Is your husband receptive to counseling? Mine wasn't until the very end, then he left aft ultimatum and is still in counseling, but I don't know why. He says it's lik going to the dentist, painful but necessary.<P>I'll be praying for you tonight that your day tomorrow will be calm and even loving. And that your H will be Fogless. <P>Best,<BR>-Jo

Hi Jo,<BR> Yes, my H wants to leave. He told me last saturday after getting angryier and more distant the past few weeks. He will not consider counseling. Actually, his mom is going to suggest it too so we will see if she has any more influence than I do.<P>I was a snooper for sure. i am trying to quit as it just was making me upset, but I will admit to doing a little this past week again. Yes, we want to know what is going to happen, but probably even H doesn't really know.<BR>Lora

Hi,<P>I'm reading your letter to H you posted. Will get back to you w/input.<P>When do plan on giving it to him?<P>Do you ask your husband if there's hope for the marriage? I've asked mine and got "I don't know" for a yr. Then I asked him since separation and I got "it may be too late". <P>Then I would like to know if thats true "why is he going to counseling?" Is it a FOG thing? (rhetorical)<P>-Jo

Jo,<P> My H says he can't work any more on our marriage, that it is over and hes tired of trying. I think I will read this to him on tuesday as one last chance to show him I can work on things, make a good effort and share more feelings with him than I have in a long time. Unless I chicken out.<P>Maybe your H realizes he has issues that lead him to make these poor choices.....Well, we can dream can't we?<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>Are we married to the same guys.<P>The similarities are striking. My H says he is done working on the marriage too. Says he is no longer committed. Says something broke.<P>I read your letter. Very, very good ... although I would definitely remove all references of the OW. Counselor says never to say anything about OW and to not even mention her name. Says this thing you're both going thru is about you and him, not OW.<P>I was so moved when I read certain parts of your letter Lora, where you sd "Afraid if you saw the real me you could never love me", I feel the same way at times. Always felt lucky to have my husband love me. <P>I don't know if you should put yourself down so much in this letter. Admit to taking a part in the marriage deficits, but I wouldn't continue to slam myself. You are inpart responsible, as he, for the probs but you're not a bad person by any means.<P>Sure am glad to have your support and be able to talk to you about this stuff. Very best of luck in tomorrow's visit. Glad to know your in-laws are supportive, it's important they be there for you. Hopefully they'll have an influence on your H.<P>Jo<P>p.s. just ate an entire carton of Haagen-Dazs, Coffee Mocha Chip. Yum Yum!

Update for you, Josey,<P> We went up to the GH Jazz festival years ago since a local was playing there. <P>As the one who was "left", for reasons other than infelelity on my part, I have not kept anything from the MIL or the BIL's. I am not confident that it will make any difference, but today had a turn of events which may make no difference, but then just maybe... !<BR> I will post that question seperately.<P>RRunRR<BR>

Hmmm Rrunrr ..<P>My H is a musician, I should say a professional musician. He has done nothing else all his life. Thats been his job. He is in school now too, working towards his degree.<P>He's a guitar player. Plays everything, but preference is progressive rock and jazz. Won't divulge his name to protect the guilty.<P>Gig Harbor is a very nice community to live in. Don't know that I'd be happy any place else.<P>-Jo<P>

Josey,<P>Don't know your story but I understand pain and the feelings of loss, etc.<BR>I have a couple reading suggestions for you. Lord, I need Grace to Make It by Kay Arthur and Advancing Thru Adversity by Charles Stanley.<BR>Also, keep in prayer, as it is the greatest power we have.<P>Keep HIM close to you. Remember if you draw nigh to HIM, he will draw nigh to you.<P>

Josey,<BR> Another neighbor here(Kent).I hope you're feeling better today.Try to get out and do something fun.<BR> I know what you mean about them forgetting what they said.My stbx did that,too.She couldn't even remember a phonecall she made from OM's house.I was going crazy at first,doing the waiting thing,too.I kept thinking I'd hear her car coming up the drive.<BR> It will get better with time.I doubt you're more insecure than me(certified wimp).Lora's right when she says you have to get out of the house.<BR> You don't have any family around here?Did you move here from somewhere else?My folks are selling their house,and moving south,so I won't be seeing them much longer.<BR> You have to try and stop the waiting game.It'll just drive you nuts.I'm hoping the sun will come out today,so we can all get out of the house.Take care.<BR> --Murph