I have this friend who is going through a separation. She's really suffering. She is seeing a counselor once a week and is on meds, but every time I see her, she looks worse and worse and seems to be more and more obsessed with her situation. I want to help her, but don't know how. I can't be around her too much or talk to her too much because her negativity really drags me down. I can understand a lot of what she is going through because I am here to, but nothing seems to help. Any suggestions for what I can do to be more of a friend to her?

Popeye,<P>I have a very dear friend whose discovery day was about 2 months before mine. When I discovered my H affair...I was shattered. Sometimes when I was down I would call her....she was a wonderful listener, but I would feed her fire. Sometimes when she was down, she would call me and I would start to lose it too.<P>But we found strength in one another. I was supportive and "wise" when she was low and visa versa when I was low.<P>It is very hard.....when you are trying to support someone who is not doing as well as you are.<P>Help her as much as you can. She doesn't want you to "fix" it...just to listen and help guide her. <P>My suggestion is to talk to her...but keep your conversations short. My friend and I did that. If one of us started going over board......we were there for each other...but we had to put a limit on it. <P>Did you tell her about this site? Maybe she can use this site to vent and talk to you when she needs the little extra push.

Maybe you can get her to take out a copy of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> from the local library?<P> <P>Jim

Man Popeye, are you sure your friend isn't me???<P>I was, and at times still are, a basket case. I was so devistaated that I couldn't hold anything down for weeks. It affected me in every way.<P>So I really feel for your friend. Since she's on meds I would hope they'd eventaully kick in, sometimes there's a waiting period bef they're effective. Like Buspar, takes 4 wks before your feeling it. Another thing that I experienced was panic attacks, so awful. Thought I was going crazy, pacing and pacing and crying. <P>What I did to calm myself down was take baths an showers, multiple times a day if necessary. I was very clean!<P>I think your friend is still in the shock of things, she is probably waffling between the denial stage and the disbelief stage.<P>Yes, like Mental sd, give her the Website and turn her on to the book. Be there for her as much as you can and listen, listen, listen. It's gonna take time, we all know that. And my counselor says everyone is diff in terms of adjusting to this whole thing.<P>I'll say prayers for her.<P>-Jo<P>