My husband is driving back from NYC right now, where he spent the holiday weekend with his lover. Tomorrow, he will call to see when he can pick up his mail and ask if the lawn needs mowing. I will wait nervously all day for his arrival. He will stop by, make small talk, stay for dinner if I offer, ask how my weekend was and if I had fun (like I really did or something!). He will kiss me goodbye on the lips, give me a hug, and drive off into the sunset. When he gets home (her rental property where he is staying for free, her compliments) he will call her and they will talk for hours on the phone, planning his next trip to NYC so they can build their relationship to the next step. He will not tell her he has just come from my house. They will slip into their perfect little world, where everything is perfect and their love is feverish, far from the realities of our failed relationship and all lifes problems that went with it. He will feel good things, nothing like the bad things he feels with me. He will know he is doing the right thing and that his marriage is really over - probably even a mistake all these years, because he hasn't felt like this in a dog's age, confirming his belief that he is truely in love.<BR>I will cry myself to sleep, but no tears will come. They have dried up - I have exhausted the supply. I will lie in my bed and make small wounded animal sounds in my grief and loneliness. I will toss and turn, I will not rest. The next morning, I will numbly go to work and try to concentrate, I will try to keep his image from invading my entire day. I will try to keep busy, but my every thought will be cloaked in feelings of rejection, sadness, loneliness, fear, confusion. He will dominate my thoughts and my mood. He will dominate my broken heart. People will ask "What's wrong? Are you OK". They can see my pain, I can't seem to hide it.<BR>After a few days, the empty, sick pit in my stomach will start to heal. I will start to believe that I can get through this, that it's not the end of the world - that in fact it is an opportunity for me to know myself once more, that fun loving, vivacious person I used to be - the woman he married all those years ago, before the bills, before the stress, before the destructive behaviors that took grip of our relationship and finally strangled it before our very eyes, all while we did not see it, because we weren't looking - before all the pain of our loss.<BR>I will start the healing cycle again. And then - the phone will ring. He will ask when he can come over to get his mail. Does the lawn need mowing yet? Do I need help with anything around the house? Did I have a good day? Am I alright? And then . . . you know the story, it starts all over again.<P>I don't know if I want to do this any more. I have lost a large chunk of respect for him. I do not know this man. I'm angry. I feel sorry for him because I think he's making such a fool of himself. A fool of me, a mockery of our 20 years together. He has such an "in-your-face" attitude. I feel like I'm dealing with a rebellious teenager. I'm embarassed for him, and embarassed for myslef for letting his keep touching my life, for making my friends ask "What's the matter with you? Why are you letting him walk all over you? GET RID OF HIM - he's not worth it!"<BR>He believes he is in love. I don't believe it - it is lust, it is exciting, it makes him feel like an 18 year old. It is dangerous, it is thrilling, it is new. It is not real. She will tire of him and then he will be broken also. I wish for him to feel the same pain I am feeling. I want him to hurt, I want him to get what he deserves. I don't know if I'm willing to wait around for her cast-aways. How could I ever love and trust him again? That has been destroyed and I don't know how to get back from that place. How can it ever be good between us again? As he keeps hurting me, I fear the entire 20 years will be ruined forever. I cannot see how we can remain friends, this person who has hurt me more than any other person could, and I do not see how we can ever be lovers again, this person who has forsaken me for another. And I am tired of the cycle - I want to protect myself now. I want to get on with my life. I want the hurting to stop. I want to love myself again, I want to stop beating myself up, I want him to snap out of this and become the man I once knew and loved. I do not know this stranger, and I'm not even sure I like him.<BR>Anyone relate? I'm ready to give up on Plan A. I don't even know if I can do Plan B. I'm tired. I need some time, some space, some direction from within. I need to rest.

Hi Sooney,<P> I think you clearly need to go to Plan B......cut off all contact, get his mail sent to another place,mow the grass yourself or hire someone........ let him know that you are not going to be there for him while the affair is ongoing.....he has it both ways right now...<BR> <BR> The most important thing is that Plan B would be for you...you are being bounced around like a ping pong and losing the love you once had for him. It surely can't hurt to try Plan B rather than filing .....Take care Sooney, his bubble will burst , but in the meantime you need to protect yourself and your feelings.......LU

Hi Sooney,<P> I just had a thought .....I'm here giving you all sorts of advice (Plan B etc. )but have you thought about talking with Steve Harley? He is excellent and gives much better advice than I can!!!!! LU

I think you are ready for Plan B too. You said you don't want to keep repeating the cycle and that you are afraid to lose your good feelings. That is what Plan B is about- giving you a break, preserving what good still remains and giving the betrayer a chance to have his cake and see if it's worth eating after all.

Yes... <P>I know how you feel...... I'm so very tired too.. I've been in this mess almost 8 months now... You go to sleep with this stuff on your mind and wake up with it on your mind....<P>I just keep praying to the lord, for he can change the heart...<P>sometimes I feel like I could just get in the car and drive and drive....<P>hang in there and keep posting...there are wonderful people here to help you while youu have to deal with this mess...s

Sooney,<P>Did you write that or did I? It's very hard to tell. I struggle with the same feelings. Everyone is telling me how much better I would be without him. In some respects, I know they're right. Even our 4 daughters are ready to pack up and leave the home they've always known. H has been living with OW for over a month now. He says it isn't because he wants to be with her. Then why?? He doesn't answer. I know their relationship isn't good. She just turned 21 and he's nearly 50. She has a young daughter. His oldest daughter isn't quite a year younger than the OW. She kicked him out at Christmas, she kicked him out in March, but he's back again. She's been sleeping with other guys for who knows how long. He had a faithful wife, but I think his ego has taken a beating from the OW and now he wants to prove to himself and her that she'll take him back. At the same time, he's crying to me that he wants me back. In the Mother's Day card he gave me (probably one of 3 after 20 years of being a mother), he wrote that it would be nice if we could work things out. Yeah, right. He's telling her he loves her so much. He tells me that all he wants is someone to love who will love him back---exactly the same thing I told him, months ago.<P>Pain? You betcha! And how do we go about stopping it? No matter which road we take, there'll be pain.<P>Know that we all feel as you do, and have hope that things will change, and that you'll know the answer.<P>2sad

Man Sooney, I'm right there with you. It's like this abnormal behaviour of his has become the norm. Which is unacceptable!<P>I really agree with All, you should go to Plan B. And I also think counseling with Steve Harley is essential right now. He can guide you thru what you need to do, if that is indeed Plan B.<P>I read your post twice and see myself in them. I've really experienced everything you sd and still do. I'm just not to the edge of losing all respect and love for my H yet.<P>Please consider speaking to Steve as soon as possible. I'm sure he can help you.<P>Take care of yourself.<BR>-Jo