I would like to put feelers out there to see if anyone of you have been the OW or OM. I'd like to know if the affair you had lasted or not. And if it didn't last "Why not?"<P>It would help me to see their side of the fence. Why they didn't feel or did feel for the family of the WS. <P>I have not participated in contact w/my H's OW. She has tried to initiate contact but I will not. I don't have anything to say to her and won't participate in Jerry Springer banter. I can't imagine what she must be thinking as she and my H believe what they're doing is right in God's eyes. And that staying married to me is wrong. <P>-Jo

Hi Jo,<P>Well, I normally don't hang around here, but I have a day off and I'm alone, so I'm just reading and posting...<P>You ask a sincere question, and I'd like to answer just as sincerely...<P>I was an OW last year. If you read my response to your last thread, you'll know that I've seen this thing from both sides, both before and after my affair I was betrayed by my stbx. I think it does color how I look at this infidelity thing... so to answer your question: <P>My three month affair did not last for several reasons.<P><B>It was wrong.<P>It was a fantasy.<P>The OM wanted me for sex and not a long-term permanent relationship. (I slept with him once, by the way).<P>His SO (they had a long-term living together arrangement) made my life hell. I was afraid to continue the affair.<P>My H fell apart and I couldn't bear to watch it. Also, he made my life hell, and threatened to kill himself, me, OM and/or all of the above. He was speaking from his pain. <P>I felt guilty, remorseful, dirty, whorish, ugly, disguisting, and far from God.</B><P>Yes, I went through withdrawls, and yes, I missed the OM. I went to counselling to work on the reasons for the affair, and asked my H to go with me. He went two times, and when the counselor didn't say what he wanted to hear, he never returned. Then he had a revenge affair, although he'll tell you it was born from lonliness and sexual needs, not revenge. Doesn't matter... it sealed our fate. We will be divorced on November 13, 2000.<P>

Like many affairs, ours started as work friends. It is very easy for you when you have voids in your life to allow someone else to fill them without even realizing what you are getting into at first. While our affair was still an emotional affair we didn't think we were having an affair. I know now how wrong that was. A persons best friend should be their spouse and if their spouse can't be their best friend then they need to get out of the marriage, not have an affair. When we did begin the pysical affair we were both overcome by guilt. I can't say that I really thought so much about his wife as I just did about guilt at committing adultery. It was something I would never have thought I would do. We were together physically only five times and then we ended the relationship. The pain of withdrawl was horrible, worse pain then anything I have ever gone through. We had fallen in love and it was not a fantasy. We went without contact for a year and a half and then he contacted me saying that he was separated and had filed for divorce. He did try and contact me twice during that time but I sent word through a friend that I was moving on with my life and not to contact me as long as he was married. This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The divorce was almost final when he did contact me and it is final now. At that time we did reunite. We are now in couples premarital counseling and plan to marry. We are very compatable but what to make sure we know all we need to know about what happened and why. Once the divorce was final which was just not too long ago his XW did contact me. She is full of hate for me and made it very clear to me that she blames me for her marriage ending. I think this is very sad because even their counselor told her over and over that I was not their problem but only a symptom. I can't help what she thinks about me but I do hope that she does not spend the rest of her life bitter.<P>Del

Del,<P>Thanks for responding. I know it probably wasn't easy to place yourself out there for potential criticism.<P>I don't know what else to say other than I pray for all involved in your situation.<P>I have had chances in my work environment to start up "friendships" with the other sex. But have drawn the line again and again. I work where's there's 3K ppl, 90% male. And there were times it wasn't easy. But my marraige has always been at the forefront of my mind and will be until, God forbid, I am no longer married. <P>Do you think during the time you did not have contact w/your now fiancee, did he really try to work and reconcile his marriage? Do you think he made every effort possible? Could it have been that he could have been just making the motions but not putting his heart into it, and really thinking of you and him the entire time?<P>-Jo<P>

Dear Josey:<P>I was the OW. When I was having the affair I was totally self-absorbed .. I didn't think about anyone else (if I would have, maybe I would have stopped myself before all of this pain). <P>It didn't last because it was built on deceit. In the end, I not only felt like the betrayer of my husband and family but also betrayed by the OM and the things he did. It didn't last because I made my OM all the things I thought my husband wasn't and I thought I needed (also reason to have an affair). The OM wasn't any of those things. It didn't last because it wasn't real. My OM had no idea of my reality with children, working, house, etc. Our relationship was based on fantasy - romantic dinners and conversations, no interruptions, the luxury of just having to be with each other. Real life is not like that. Real life is being able to deal with interruptions and intrusions. My OM was in no way capable of being able to accept that reality. <P>I would suggest that the reason that they think that what they're doing is right is because they have to in order to justify their behavior. A lot of faulty reasoning goes into having an affair. Justification plays a huge role in that.

Josey,<P>Thanks for being so nice. I don't post here much but I always read because I really want to understand what happened to us an why and so does he. You wanted to know if he really put his all into trying to save his marriage. I know they went to counseling and I know he went a year and a half without contact with me. I changed locations with my job so there isn't much he could have found out about me and I didn't give him any information and did not respond to his two calls but through my friend. So I don't really know the answer to your question. He says he did. If he didn't, then maybe that's the answer to the question about whether the marriage should survive right there. But I know he couldn't have not tried thinking I was waiting because he had no way of knowing that.<P>Sometimes marriages just aren't going to make it. But when there's an OP involved it makes it easy to say that if it wasn't for the OW the marriage would have made it. Well the OP isn't the problem, lots of times. And even without the OP, marriages sometimes won't make it. But the pain of having been left for another must be very great I can imagine. He does say that he believes totally that his marriage would not have made it whether I was there or not. However, I think different. I think he might have stayed but just been unhappy if he hadn't met me. He would have hid it but he would have been unhappy. It just was not a workable marriage. I did wrong by the affair but I did right to end it. If a marriage isn't working it isn't working. And he ended it without me in the picture.<P>Del

My post would be almost exactly like what Delphi wrote except I'm a few years ahead of her. The OM and myself have been together for 5 yrs. and living together/married for 3 1/2.

<B>BonnieSept</B>,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BonnieSept:<BR><B>My post would be almost exactly like what Delphi wrote except I'm a few years ahead of her. The OM and myself have been together for 5 yrs. and living together/married for 3 1/2.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just out of curiosity BonnieSept, why are you here? Problems in your new life with OM?<P>scandinavian

It didn't last because I got sick with myself for being involved with a man who had a basically good wife. <P>I met her because our manager transferred her to our office. We worked different shifts and her H was supervisor for me. (Our manager might have brought her in to stop the affair on purpose, or it could have been coincidence)<P>The affair continued for another year after she was brought in because basically I couldn't resist her H. I requested transfer but he blocked it. He was extremely romanitic, and life with my H was a living h*ll at the time.<P>I finally got so furious with my H that I told him about the A and, to make a long story short, left him and my job. My H took care of the OM.<P>My H's doing that made big deposits in my love bank. I still smile at how scared the OM was.<P>If the OM's wife wasn't a decent lady and if I thought the OM had a valid reason to be with me then no matter how angry I got at my H, I probably would not have ended the A that way. I might have tried to replace her instead. But the way things worked out I wanted the OM to pay for being a jerk to his W and not letting me transfer, eventhough during the time, I found the OM completely irresistable and was crazy in love with him.

Delphi,<P>I am a little confused. Last year, in response to one of my posts, you stated:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The reason I responded to you is that I met him through a personal ad but in the paper. Now he did fall in love with me, but he real problem was not me or he would not have been placing the ad to start with.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yet in the current post, you said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Like many affairs, ours started as work friends. It is very easy for you when you have voids in your life to allow someone else to fill them without even realizing what you are getting into at first. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Delphi,<P>Will you be responding to Nellie1's post inquiry???<P>-Jo