<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Josey:<BR><B>Just a quick question: How long were you and H married?<P>... aft I read your post I feel like I may need to re-evaluate what I'm asking for IF my H comes back and wants to reconcile.<P>I forgave him the first time but never forgot. The existence of 2 OC made that impossible. It weighed on us both.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We were together for 8 years, married for 5. I didn't know about ANY infidelity until we were separated for 2 months. After I found out about the first one, knowledge of so much more just came out. So, as far as "putting up with" stuff, I never tolerated anything because I didn't know.<P>When it was in the past, my attitude was, "What are we going to do now". After I found out it was still going on, it was "If you want to save your marriage, you must stop now". So, no. It never was tolerated.<P>Please don't let my situation dictate what you do in yours. Everyone's life is different. We all have different priorities, different family structures, different religious beliefs, and different financial considerations. There is no one size fits all solution. I admit to having a lot less tolerance for lies and betrayal because I lived it in my first marriage and saw it in my family of origin. In my experience, it does not end and just continues to wreak havoc upon the family. (I've also seen that it doesn't have to be this way from the stories on this board).<P>I know you are going through hell, so please don't take this like I am beating up on you because I am not, but if you never forgave your H for the past, how do you expect the future to be different? Your resentment and hurt shows in withdrawal, lack of willingness to do things or at least a lack of enthusiasm. He must feel that, and that can't be good for your relationship. There can be no real healing for the relationship until BOTH of you are okay with the past. I'd make this issue a priority!<P>I think the healthy attitude is one of forgiveness and questioning where do we go from here. Affairs do not have to end relationships. They can be catalysts to making them better. They can force us to ask the questions, "What are we missing?" "Is this what I want?" "How can we get to forever together?" <P>You have Dr. Harley's principle's now. You have the opportunity to make things better now. You didn't have those tools before, so you can't beat yourself up over that. Your H didn't have the tools either. You can hold it against you or work to make something better! <P>Josie, obviously you love your H. Don't give up on 20 years without a fight! Give him the chance to love you too and show you he can be a man worthy of your love. If you've done that to your satisfaction, using your new found knowledge, then consider leaving. <P>I appreciate your praise. It's nice to know that someone thinks I am halfway sane when my H thinks I am completely crazy! ha We all do get through this. I hope when you are through the craziness, you find peace.
