Can I have my turn at venting just a little?<P>It just boggles my mind, the utter selishness of these WS's. My H has been living with OW for at least the past month, has had EA/PA for a year, putting me literally through hell. Two young children.<P>He visits us (4 hrs away) on weekends, has been "see-sawing" back and forth on whether he wants us or OW for the rest of his life. Over the past couple weeks, he's telling me she's moving out by the 1st (Thursday) because she's becoming convinced he's never really going to commit to her and D me. <P>This past weekend we had some serious conversation (calmly and respectfully), and he said he knows he's got to do one thing or another -- give OW up completely and commit to our marriage or give up the marriage. He wants to do the "right thing" (give up OW), but has such "strong feelings" for her that it's extremely difficult. But he's going to "really try."<P>So today he tells me he thinks she's still following through with her plans (moving and getting on with her life W/O him), but he hasn't really seen her packing yet. She does have a deposit on another apt. and has given notice at her job. (Her moving out would pave the way for us reuniting and moving back near where he works).<P>What hurts me is that he won't just take a stand and be a man about this. He's waiting on HER to make the move (says he feels badly because he gave her such hopes and expectations). And then he says it's "really hard" to do this because of his feelings for her...<P>WELL WHAT ABOUT HIS WIFE'S FEELINGS...THE ONE HE PROMISED TO LOVE AND PROTECT THE REST OF OUR LIVES? The one who's suffered through his indifference and coldness for nearly 2 yrs while he gets his needs met elsewhere? Who lays awake at night willing herself to dismiss the nightmare of her beloved husband in the bed of someone else...<P>WHAT ABOUT HIS CHILDREN...WHO HE SAYS HE LOVES SO DEARLY?? It broke my heart to see our 8-year-old daughter beg him, in tears, to stay this weekend. <P>No, THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM and HIS feelings, HIS "happiness." Never mind everyone else whose lives are being trampled and brutalized.<P>And how can OW look at herself in the mirror? She KNEW me, KNEW our small children, KNEW we had a close-knit family -- yet still took advantage. "Sorry, it 'just happened.' We never planned to fall in love." So "falling in love" justifies it all...the whole ugly aftermath.<P>HOW UNBELIEVABLY SELFISH AND CRUEL!! Why would she want a man who lies and cheats anyway?<P>Sorry, I just had to vent a little...so I don't LB my H. I know so many of you are in the same position -- I love and respect you all dearly. Thanks for your prayers and any encouragement....

Camryn:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Sorry, I just had to vent a little...so I don't LB my H<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good!!!!<P>If it makes you feel any better, this is classic "addictive" behavior. The fence sitting, not being able to make a decision, etc. Your husband would be saying the same crap if his OW were heroin instead...<P>It appears that the affair is burning itself out. Your husband will probably come back. He's not going to come back in the shape that you want him to be in: loving, remorseful, willing to put in 110% to recover the marriage. He'll probably come back emotionally upset, in withdrawal, and pretty miserable. If you're prepared for this, you can work the withdrawal period to your advantage. If you're not in counseling now (with someone familiar with Harley's work---or the Harley's themselves), please start soon.<P>You can have the marriage you want---but the tough part is coming up.

Thanks, K, for the encouragement...although I'm not exactly thrilled at "the tough part is still coming"! God promised He wouldn't give us more than we can bear -- and I'm holding Him to that.<P>There are just times when I think I must be a lunatic to even WANT this man. The A is merely the worst of a string of irresponsible choices (financially, in business, etc.) and decisions resulting in disaster. He's a brilliant and very charming man, but greatly lacking in character and discipline across the board. Up until the A, I thought at least he's a good husband and father -- I can deal with the rest. Then came the killer blow...<P>I'm very careful now who I talk to about this, because they look at me like I'm crazy...("you're beautiful, you're intelligent...dump him! They'll be standing in line for you...etc,etc.) <P>But, amazing even to myself, I still love the guy, and when I look at my two little ones who are so attached to him, I stay in the fight...I may be blonde, but no one's ever called me dumb. And I've got enough stubbornness in me to outLAST if not outSMART my enemy.

Camryn,<P>I've been going through the fence sitting for over a year now, too. I'll bet you're feeling like a yo-yo, same as me. And my H is also living with the OW. This isn't the first time. She kicked him out the day after Christmas, when he came back and begged me for another chance. But like all the chances I've given him, he blew it.<P>In early March, he "ended it" with her and tried "no contact". That lasted maybe 3 weeks. On Easter, he said he wanted to work on our marriage, but he couldn't promise that he wouldn't have contact with her. I asked him to leave. She's meeting needs I haven't been able to because of my hurt and anger. Yes, I've LB'd big time. I've explained the addiction thing to him, and I think he understands it some, but he's too weak to do anything about it. Because she's also been sleeping with others and he's been told by her friends that she's only using him, he knows, deep down, that there's no future for them. I'm not sure there's a future for us, either.<P>In the past 2 weeks, he's called crying (exhausted from his job), asking me to help him, saying he wants me back. Last weekend, while OW was out of town and he had the weekend off, he called me every day or night and talked for hours. Now that she's probably back, he doesn't have time.<P>His biggest problem at the moment is that he doesn't think I'll ever be able to stop reminding him of what he's done. Like I said, I've been LBing to the max. Basically, I haven't been able to let go of this destruction. My anger is pertty much gone, now, though. I've made a decision to do a real Plan A. But this has gone on for so long, I don't know how long I can last at it. If it fails, there won't be a Plan B. I'll simply contact an attorney and put an end to the suffering.<P>My best wishes and prayers are with you, and I hope things turn around for you and your little ones.<P>2sad

Thanks, 2sad, for your input. My thoughts and prayers are with you, also. This whole thing stinks, but it sure helps to know you're not alone--that you're not some kind of freak. <P>Like you, I have my days when I just want the pain and suffering to end. Enough is enough. But I have to admit, since I have been doing the Plan A stuff (to the best of my ability--I'm still human), I've seen some positive movement.<P>So hang in there and try your best to eliminate those LBs. I've pretty much conquered the angry outbursts, but my downfall is the little sarcastic comments, digs, I guess what you call disrespectful judgments...they tend to slip out occasionally. Hard to resist when H is so "fogged." <P>I've also discovered a great strength in prayer -- and have much faith in its power... Hugs to you.