I broke off my affair 4 weeks ago and told my W. At our counseling session 2 weeks ago, I told my W that I loved her and wanted to work on our marriage. She has been very vengeful ever since I told her, and she will not accept anything I do or try. For the last 2 weeks I have been very successful with avoiding LB & trying to meet her needs, and in the last week I have seen some positive signs in her (amid thousands of negative ones). We started "dating" a week ago and it has been very good. However, last night on our date I found out that she has been seeing another man for about 3 weeks. When I questioned her, this is what she told me. She got very defensive and she insisted it is not "dating"...he is just a good friend. Turns out, her Christian friend introduced her to him. He is 38 (she is 31) and he is divorced with a 3 year old son. She has seen him 5 times, 3 times it has been just the two of them. They have gone out to dinner, out to a movie, out for drinks and play pool, and to a cook-out. He has paid several times for their fun, and they have kissed goodnight on the lips 4 of the 5 times. And this is not dating?? Needless to say, I was very hurt and I communicated this to her in a non-LB way. She said she doesn't know if she will continue to see him. She doesn't know if she wants to work on our marriage. Her Christian father doesn't approve, but her Christian mother says "Go ahead".<P>I understand why she is hurt and I have really been trying to follow the principles in "Surviving an Affair", but I just wish she would have been "receptive" when I returned to her. I know this sounds naive, but after she & I read Surviving an Affair, I had high hopes this could work. I feel like we missed a good chance to end this nightmare. Plus, I'm still dealing with the "withdrawal symptoms" from my affair, and I need support. I want my W for that!! Now it looks like I will have to be the one who holds out patiently for her, does the right thing, implements Plan A, and refrains from LB. I'm very sad right now. Feedback please!

Lags, I am sorry. Of course, what she is doing is not right. But, boy do I recall thinking it would be nice to go out with someone who thought I was special. Meanwhile, my H was missing the OP SOOOO much...I WAS supportive, but I often wondered why I was putting this effort into someone who could hurt me so badly.<P>Have you tried this approach? Don't tell her what she is doing is wrong...don't argue about whther it is a date or not. The more you argue your case, the firmer she will become in hers. Instead, tell her again that you realize you have hurt her terribly, and that she does not deserve what you've done...tell her how special she is and why. Tell her if she wants to go out, she is fully justified because you have messed up so badly, but that you really love her and want her to be with you, and hope she will give you a little more time. <P>Good luck--<P>Kathi<P>

{{{{{{{{{{Lags7}}}}}}}}}},<P>I feel for you guy...<P>You are doing the right thing...<BR>...and you get slapped in the face...<BR>...by your W and MIL.<P>Be the ROCK!<BR>Be strong!<BR>Be the husband she needs right now.<P>It really is extra difficult for you since you, youself, are going through withdrawal. It will make you appear to her to be even stronger if you hold to the Plan A path.<P>Check out some other (older) posts on <B>Reducing/Eliminating Love Busters:</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006351.html" TARGET=_blank>Please remind me why I'm still trying</A>…Faithfully/trustntruth….8/16/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011124.html" TARGET=_blank>PLEASE "LISTEN" For everyone READ</A>…camjon….12/22/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>Using a "filter" to not LB</A>…..scanman…..1/20/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002262.html" TARGET=_blank>How to say my feelings without it being a LB</A>…..Lora/trustntruth…..4/10/2000<P>About your saddness...<BR>...are you in counsling now?<BR>...are you on anit-dep medication?<BR>...are you doing things to make you happy?<BR>If you're sad... it will come across to your wife and hurt your Plan A efforts.<BR>You don't have to be in a drug-induced stupor... or go around the house all day laughing and smiling... but you can't a bad mood drag you through your dealings with your W. Plan A is to make <B>you</B> better!<P>You have my prayers...<BR>...keep strong and grow.<P> <P>Jim

Lags,<BR>You sound angry that "Christian" people are not condemning your wife...you've committed the only "out" for divorce given in the Bible--of course divorce for adultery is because of the "hardness of men's hearts" and we aren't supposed to get hard-hearted if we live like Christ...thus, there is no "out" if you are repentent and she is forgiving. <P>But you can't make her do anything at this point. You can't make her want your marriage, you can't make her stop seeing this man anymore than she could have made you.<P>You sound as if, since you are in withdrawal that she should be there...you put yourself there with your affair (I've been there myself), pull yourself up and Plan A your wife if you want your marriage. Not all betrayed do want the marriage, sometimes whatever was "off" enough for you to have an affair, has made the spouse feel like the marriage was pretty crummy as well. It takes 2 people to make a marriage.<P>At the very least, if you want the marriage, you will have to be patient. My H was, and I'm back to wanting the marriage. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Lags,<P>This is the second post I have seen from you that refers to your wife as "vengeful". I must admit, as a betrayed wife, it rubs me the wrong way.<P>Was the hurt you inflicted on your wife by having an affair vengeful? It might be that your wife became involved in this outside relationship to "pay you back", but I doubt it. Even if it is, it is most assuredly not a concious decision on her part to do so.<P>At this point, your wife is looking for any kind of relief from the pain of your infidelity, and she is looking for validation of herself as an attractive and desireable woman. She is probably also looking for some kind of escape from you, the person who hurt her most in the world.<P>Of course it is wrong to seek a relationship of this kind while she is married to you, and I'm sure she realizes that. But she probably also feels that you have no right to ask her to end this relationship after what you have done.<P>The bottom line is that all her actions are driven by the pain, confusion, anger, heartache, and hurt that she is feeling right now.<P>Please understand this- saying that you are sorry is not enough. It is going to take a lot for both of you to recover from this. It is obvious from your posts that you do not fully understand the depth of the damage that has been done to your wife and your marriage. If you truly want to save your relationship, explore that aspect of what has occurred. It is really hard to deal with something that you don't understand.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited May 31, 2000).]

HI lags, okay, I will be the hard case here!<BR>4 weeks after discovery and you want what?! 2 weeks without LBs and you expect what?!<BR>Reality check....4 weeks after discovery another man was the last thing on my mind, but I sure can understand your W. I cannot even remember some of the insane things I did at that time. (Which may be a good thing.)<BR>From a betrayed pov, it is a very crazy, insane time. Suddenly the marriage and world as you knew it, is not there. We act/react in ways that are very foreign to our normal thinking patterns. Sometimes it takes awhile to come back to reality.<BR>Anyone out there that had this problem?! <BR>Be patient lags. You are doing the right thing. I know it hurts to see her acting this way, but maybe it is not vengeful? Maybe she is reaching out for help in this way? <BR>No LBs, follow Harley, be patient, be loving and caring. It will be hard for you, but be strong. (((((hugs))))) cl

Lags:<P>I completely agree with cl. What few people seem to realize with these affairs is that it takes MANY months to get over the hurt and to heal the wounds.<P>Lags, I don't think you'll find anyone here who will condone what your wife is now doing. However, I think most of us understand WHY she feels she has a right to do it. <P>Doesn't make it right, but let's be realistic: you hit her with a bombshell when you confessed to your affair. It's human nature to want to "get even."<P>Continue to be patient and to practice Dr. Harley's principles. It's the best medicine for the problem. And, remember, this will take some time to play out, so don't expect immediate results.<P>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>