My husband and I have been married for 16 years now. We have 3 children. A year ago things started to fall apart. Mostly because I got tired of being neglected. I felt I treated him exceptionally well. We grew apart. I met someone in January that I was attracted to and treated me nicely. At the same time my husband and I agreed to divorce. For 6 weeks I had an affair with this man while I negotiated a separation agreement with my lawyer. When I brought it home, my husband tells me he changed his mind. He convinces me to try again, that things will change. Things have changed. I broke it off with my lover, though we are still in touch online. <P>My question is, do I keep my affair a secret? He has no clue it happened I am sure of that. What good will come of it if I tell him? <P>Thanks

Welcome <B>Olivia</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>As part of the MB concepts... there are <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>... one of them is <B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3903_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Honesty:</A></B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<P>Some will argue not to tell...<BR>(look for posts by "<B>Jill</B>"... a WS who hasn't... and seek her advice too)<BR>Other's (like myself) believe that "honesty" is so crucial... it needs to be considered.<P>But... <B>first and foremsot</B>... you must end <B>all</B> contact with the OP.<P>Still "being in touch online"... means the affair is still on... no matter how much you are denying it! If you don't have the strength to end it... seek counseling.<P>Do stay here... and post...<BR>Read from the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<BR>Read the posts of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>WS</A>s and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>FS</A>s...<P>Start off at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Olivia,<P>I have got to tell you, discovery of my H's affair was the worst thing...and the best thing that ever happened to me. You have no idea how horrible it is to be lied to and to have someone make you feel like you are crazy and imagining things. Many people on this board will agree with me that the deciet is worse than the actual sex/emotional relationship you are having with OP. <P>Olivia, I'll bet that he knows more than you think. People learn to listen to their inner voices and his is probably screaming at him right now. Do Not put him in the position so many of us have been in where we have to "snoop" to learn of your betrayal. It's degrading and much more hurtful than being given the respect to hear the truth. <P>Betrayers think they have done such a great job covering their trails, but just read some of the posts on here...we find out...and then we have lies upon lies to deal with on top of a betrayal.<P>BTW, you think you have broken it off with your lover??? And you still speak with him online??? Wrong Olivia. As long as you have contact with him you have not broken it off.<P>There will be many people here that will help you, but you must first realize that no contact is the first thing you must accomplish if you want to work on your marriage. If and when it is truly over with OM...your H can at least have hope.<P>Tell him Olivia.

Olivia,<P>I can totally relate to what has happened to you. I've been down this road, unfortunately. You would probably get over your guilt if you told him. As everyone is telling me here, honesty is the best policy. I know that is sometimes difficult. I honestly don't know what would come of it if you did tell him. But how does it make you feel keeping it from him?<P>You said:<BR>"I broke it off with my lover, though we are still in touch online."<P>I would advise you to not have ANY contact w/XOM. It makes it too complicated and somehow it allows you to justify your actions, so that you convince yourself everything's okay. Actually, my life was more difficult when I had contact w/XOM, because it confused me so much. If you truly want to make it work with your H, you have to get past this whole thing and have absolutely no contact with OM. I don't know if that sounds difficult to you, but it makes a world of difference. Sometimes, it's a struggle for me, too. Hang in there. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited May 31, 2000).]

Well, first thank you all for welcoming me. I know I do need to cut off all contact with this OM. I know I kept in touch with him because he was so supportive of our reconcilliation, and I could fall back on him if things didn't work out here. What I have found is that the OM is my ultimate fantasy of how life could be. I am a hopeless romantic. My husband will never completely fulfill my needs there. This is were I struggle. He is a super father, a reliable provider and a now great husband. He tries his best. I need to give him my best. I am not yet ready to tell him about the OM. I can't and I am so scared of his reaction. <P>Allison, how was learing about your husbands affair the best thing that ever happened? Did it help you become who he needed you to be? <P>BTW, he had an affair I know about 10 years ago, he knows I know but still denies it to this day.<P>I do feel a need to be honest, but a part of me doesnt' want to lose touch with the OM. Am I crazy?