As I have been posting, My H had an affair that lasted over a year. This took place 13 years into our marriage. We have been in "Recovery" for 2 years. I'm not sure it can be called Recovery because I don't feel any better.<P>She is gone, he is home (never really left). He is making a lot of promises, I can't point at anything concrete and say he isn't keeping his promises, accept that I don't feel important enough to him for me to believe that he is doing without what he really wants and staying faithful to me.<P>I have been to counselling. I have been on sleeping pills and antidepressants.<P>I felt so much deparate love when I first found out about his affair. I was terrified of losing him and so deeply hurt. I wanted nothing more than to "win him" (win him initially - it was never a matter of winning him back because I never had him in the first place). I wanted him to love me the way I always yearned for but never managed to get from him. <P>This goal kept me motivated and kept my mind busy. It gave me a reason to keep trying.<P>He says that I have won him "back" He says that he loves me and realizes now that he never treated me the way I deserved to be treated, etc. etc. But now I feel nothing but anger toward him for what he did.<P>Two years of emotional rollercoasters has left me numb.<P>What goal do I have now, to just make it one more day without him having another affair, or without finding out about the affair he could very possibly be having now?<P>Is my goal to continue starving myself to stay thin and attactive and to deal with a lifetime of being hungry (I am so very hungry because I never eat).<P>Is my goal to live as much as I can now before I get old and he is unfaithful to me again.<P>I have absolutely no confidence in his love or devotion. I have no confidence in his morals. <P>I am convinced he has some major sexual problems.<P>The fact that he could even think about sex when I am having so much trouble and am struggling with things. He feels that as long as he can get me to have sex with him then everything is okay. <P>He never touches me without it leading toward sexual advances. I have caught him looking at porn and satisfying himself. Sex has become disgusting to me because I feel more like a fix than a person.<P>I'm starting to ramble. I guess my point has been made to the extent that I even understand my thoughts anymore.

Lulu:<P>I am so sorry to hear the pain in your post.<P>You have attained the goal you set out for yourself: that is great! But you need to focus on you for a little while. Don't forget about H, but focus on what Lulu needs.<P>What do you want in your life right now? No "buts" from you, young lady! Tell me what, in a perfect world, you would like to be. Ignore those thoughts of "I don't trust him" or "I don't feel important". What I want you to do is think of what you want to be.<P>That person becomes your goal.<P>Once you have a goal you can do things to make that happen. Since this isn't a perfect world, you might not get to that level 100%, but you can make a start, and that start will probably make you happier.<P>Before you can make your relationship with your husband okay, you have to make sure that you are okay with yourself.<P>Hang in there, Lulu. You'll do okay.<P>All the best --HBC

Depression can do a lot of damage to the way we feel about those we love or are supposed to love. And not understanding the ways in which each partner communicates is another thing that can do a lot of damage to a relationship.<P>As hokey as it may seem, the "Mars/Venus" stuff has a very strong core of truth to it. Men communicate in totally different ways then women do. Women want to discuss and discuss - even if there is no clear answer, while men don't discuss until they have a solution they are certain will work. Men express affection through sex... it might seem wrong, but it is a very basic truth that women really need to deal with (notice I didn't say accept, but deal with ... you can accept or reject as you wish, but it is a fact that we need to deal with).<P>YOU have the power to stop the rollercoaster you are on. A counselor who uses solution oriented therapy would tell you to "Act as If" you are feeling love for your husband, and the feelings of love will begin to come back. Resentment and hate hurt only you - and no matter whether or not you find that you want to stay or leave, allowing that anger to make your decisions for you will eat you alive.<P>Lest you feel that I cannot know how you are feeling, I have been separated from my husband for going on 19 months. He is currently living with the slug he left me for, and although we have a very civil relationship (me and him - she could get hit by lightning and I wouldn't blink) - even friendly, he has shown no lasting nor significant signs of leaving her. I truly do know the pain of being a betrayed spouse - and this is the second affair he has had in our 10 years of marriage.<P>A good book that can help each of you understand what the other is "saying" in your relationship is "The Five Love Languages" (the author's name escapes me at the moment ... Dr. Gary something?). Please read all you can to help you understand yourself and your spouse. One person CAN bring two together with the right tools and the right knowledge!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Dear HurtButCoping<P>You asked what my perfect me would would be. I have been going over that for a long time.<P>Never in my life have the people around me encouraged me to consider this.<P>We always must consider what God considers as our goal. I accept that fully.<P>When I was young it was always what my parents wanted me to do. All my life I was told that I should go to college to become a teacher, get married to a Christian, have children and stay home with them and never use my degree.<P>I married young and went from the dictatorship of my parent's home to the dictatorship of my Husband.<P>I have had a terrible time dealing with doing things for me. There are too many people in my life making demands on me. There are my kids, my job and my H. Even when I do something for one of them I feel the others get mad because I'm taking time out from doing things for them.<P>I just had my 35th birthday yesterdau. My boss asked if I was going to go out with friends and it hit really hard the realization that I have no friends. I have been isolated from friendship. The only socializing we have done in our marriage has been with other married couples from Church and there was the strict prerequisite that the Husband and my H trully get along. That has only happened a very few times in our 16 years because My H is so terribly critical of others.<P>I have a terrible time understanding the concept of doing for myself. It has been a major issue for me during the 2 years since I found out.<P>I would be totally content to have a marriage to man that considered me important, that I felt trully loved me and didn't just need me to meet his needs, that hadn't been unfaithful to me, that loved me because of who and what I am and not what I can do for him. I want a marriage where when I'm old and withered he will still look into my eyes and say I'm beautiful. <P>My H never looks into my eyes and says I'm beautiful (that is seeing the inner beautiful). He tells me that I have a good figure and that I'm an attractive woman. (as I have posted before, I have had plastic surgery and pretty much starve myself and exercise regularly even though I am lightheaded from hunger). Eventually I will lose the battle with age, we all do. When I lose the battle with age I am totally confident that he will lose his battle with "trying to stay faithful to me."<P>terri - <P>I have read 5 Love Languages. <P>It is a wonderful book. I have determined I speak the language of "Acts of Service". After reading the book cover to cover I still haven't figured out what love language my H speaks. This really concerned me. Even armed with this knowledge I can't see any love in him, only "Needs".<P>You made this comment - <P>"Act as If" you are feeling love for your husband, and the feelings of love will begin to come back.<P>I understand what you are saying, but it seems so futile. I have been doing this for 2 years.<P>I have had another round of depression lately. Maybe because of my birthday. But I honestly think that this depression is because I have finally realized my complete lack of feelings for him and am saddened by it.