well, after almost 2 years i am still being harassed by the "former" ow. tonight i got a message from her town police dept. stating that they wanted to speak to me regarding me harassing HER! now it's my responsibility to prove that she is harassing me. this has been going on for just about 2 years. i'm lost, i'm drunk, and i don't know how to deal with this any more. i will go into the WHOLE story soon. when i can deal with what is going on.. and able to put it down into words, for now i just needed to vent.<P>this board has been a tremendous help to me, considering i usually only lurk, but things have been escalating and getting out of hand. despite my H telling me he is commited to our marriage, and that he is through with the OW. apparently, she doesnt think they are through. who knows. i sure dont.<P>thank you.<BR>CDA

CDA: You need to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Can you remember things that happenned in the past pertaining to her harrassing you?<P>In the past 2 years, where has your H been in all of this? Did he see her inbetween those 2 years? I'm wondering why she is still so obssessed. It leads me to think that maybe he may have visited her or didn't end the affair when he said that he did??<P>Will your H be going with you to the police? I hope he does because he is part of this.<P>I apologize for some of my questions. I'm just trying to get a clearer view on this.

thank you, NoTrust, for the response. I appreciate your advise and anything else anyone can offer to me at this point.<P>yes, i have everything documented, and put away in a file, in case i FINALLY persue legal action. <P>This ow, has gone as far as having the probate court send me BLANK divorce papers! I found out from the court dept clerk SHE was the one who called and requested the papers sent to my home, adressed to me and my H seperately, and also together. In 18 months i have recieved 8 sets of these papers...all blank. I finally called back to the clerk and asked her to make note of any calls regarding my name or my H and adress, and also to STOP sending them to my home, since WE did not request them! (if i were infact going to persue divorce i would contact a lawyer! not the court directly)<P>there are so many things i could go into to explain this situation, but i'm afraid of becoming long winded. So we'll leave that all for another day.<P>For the update since last night : <BR>i spoke with my sister in law, who graciously calmed me down and offered to speak with my H, since i was in no condition to not LB, and he wasn't really giving me much of an answer anyhow. My sister also spoke with my H. He insisted to both that he has had NO CONTACT with the ow, and can't imagine why she is STILL bothering me.(us) When all this began, he refused to help me, protect me or take any legal action because he didn't want to "hurt" her, or cause her to lose any of her FIVE illegitemate children. How nice of him, who cares if she HURTS me, physically as well as emotionally.<P>Well, last night while speaking to my sister, and sister in law, my H agreed to seek legal action in the form of a restraining order, and seek out possibly having her charged with harassment, possibly stalking (she's followed me numerous times, tresspassed, you name it...wonder who babysits all those kids while she's messing with married men and harassing thier wives!)<P>So all in all, it was a horrible night, followed by a miserable day. I am emotionally battered by all of this, but at least there is a ray of light peeking through wtih my H agreeing to FINALLY help and protect me.<P>I'm sorry this got so long, and again I thank you for your advise and input.<P>CDA

Wow, sounds like she's a doozy.<P>I agree with NT--document everything. Get witnesses where possible. <P>How are you and H doing otherwise? --HBC

HBC, <BR>thanks for your response. I have found this forum invaluable the last 18 months, as many of you, names i am familiar with and not so familiar with have inspired me to keep my chin up, and work at this marriage that i have fought so long and hard to maintain.<P>To answer previous questions that i seemed to have missed in my last post...<BR> my husband and i never seperated, never a plan b of any sort, after discovery. He maintained to me that he loved me, blah blah blah..(it all sounds like blahs after 18 months.) He promised me he was committed to our marriage. On a regular basis, after telling me he had ended the relationship with ow, i would find out differently, either by clues and obvious actions, or the ow being so kind as to call me and fill me in on her plans to marry my husband, to give her children a father, ect...<BR> When i finally decided enough was enough and i just couldnt do this any longer, was when he decided she actually DID have "issues", when he realized that she was pressuring him into a situation he found himself in "by accident", and also when she got caught in the act of harassing me. He supposedly ended their relationship then. But she was still obsessed, so therefore came the harassment, stalking, phone calls, notes, flat tires, sugar in my gas tank...again i could go on.<P>so yes, he saw her in between the 18 months from d-day until now, but when the LAST time was is still unclear. however he maintains his commitment to me and the marriage. but we all know actions can speak louder than words. <P>in the beginning, when i wanted to persue legal action he flat out refused, now he is agreeing to accompanying me to the police, attorney..ect. good thing, since they will not issue a restraining order unless someone has had "some type" of relationship with her. so i guess she needs to physically hurt me if it was me alone applying for the order. nice state huh?<P><BR>NoTrust, i am not offended by your questions, you ask and i will try my best to answer. It's just so hard to put it all down, sometimes i think i need flash cards. UGH!<P>HBC, thank you for asking. today my husband has been acting very sorry for putting me in this situation, very attentive since he came home this evening from work. i know he is sorry. i'm sure he never thought he would find us in this situation. I still harbor some hope for us in the long run, but boy... this is such a long road we've already travelled, and i'm just wondering how much longer till we can actually consider ourselves "in recovery", it's hard for me to forgive all, when she won't let me keep it out of mind.<P>i hope and pray that all of our situations change for the better, and the hapiness we are all striving for becomes reality.<P>thanks again..<BR>CDA

Unbelievable!<P>My H's OW is a harrasser. I have saved all the evidence and all it will take is one more incident and she's getting an anti-harrassment order served.<P>She likes the phone and mail. I've never talked to her, I just let her spew out her profanity and ugliness and save the tape. I have told my H to tell her I am saving all.<P>What a coincidence, my H's OW also has illegitimate children, (all four of them). Unfortunelty one of them is my H's.<P>My counselor's advice has been to not pick up the phone and save everything. Thinking behind no talking to her is she cannot turn or twist the conversation in any way. And thank God for caller ID. I have the history w/date and time along with tapes.<P>Jo

The OW called and called our home after discovery.....would never say anything and would quickly hang up. Stbx would never believe me...and would always defend her, saying she is not like that....she would never do that. Then she started calling at night and I would let stbx answer...again nothing. So for Christmas ....he got me a caller ID. Well of course the calls stopped....he told her we now had caller ID.<P>But after he moved out.....after SHE had me arrested for harassing communications.....she started calling again. Our 9 year old answered one time and she said...you better leave me alone b!tch. Another time our 7 year old answered and she told her.....your mom is going to jail and I'm putting her there..haha. Both girls were in tears and when they told their father he called us all liars.<P>I tried to press charges against her but I was told if I didn't have anything on tape.....they would not believe anything.<P>If you already have a tape recorder...great...if not...GET ONE. That is the proof they need<P>Nancy<P>In our state you can get a protective order or restraining order on anyone...for anything.

I can't believe that woman, she sd that to the kids? She's got big problems. And your H must have been in major FOG to not believe his family.<P>I don't know why these women do this, it's craziness, what does it accomplish? They don't think, they just react. I decided OW does it to try and cause conflict between myself & H. It never does.<P>I just tell my H to please ask her to stop, told him I don't wnat to, but if necessary I'll do something legal per my counselor's suggestion. <P>I have this fantasy ... we're all at big crowded public place and everyone that my H & I know are there (friends & family), along with OW and all her clan. Then over the intercom comes all her nasty messages, one after another. <P>Jo

CDA: How are you feeling today? When do you have to meet with the police? I'm glad that your H is going with you.<P>That OW sounds like a psycho nut case! It's a shame that your H wouldn't do anything about it awhile back, but I guess that since he is doing it now, it is better late than never.<P>I don't understand why some betrayers feel the need to protect the OP instead of their own spouse! What deranged and demented thinking! It isn't until after the OP acts like a needy psycho nut case that the betrayer starts realizing that the OP wasn't the person that they thought he/she was.<P>The former OW in our situation is a needy weirdo too. Our H's must have been crazy and mental to have gotten involved with such psychopaths.<P>Although my H dumped OW, she just couldn't get it through her thick head that he didn't love her. He was only with her sporadically for 7 weeks, slept with 4 times and she thought that he would leave his marriage, family, wife & kids for her. Unknowing to me, she and her friend harrassed my H for 9 months. When I found out, I got involved and it stopped.<P>Some people are just pure nuts and don't live in the real world! They think sex equals love.

NoTrust,<BR> Hello and thanks for thinking of me today. I'm trying to hang in there, and keep a positive outlook on things. My H has been very attentive and still acting quite sorry for all of this, considering if he hadn't had an affair with this nutcase, none of this would still be going on.<P> I have contacted an attorney, and plan to meet with him on Monday with my H, and after that we will be going to speak to the police department in my town to file for a restraining order, and also file harassment charges against the OW.<P> My H swears up, down, left and right that he has not had any contact with the OW, therefore can't figure out WHY she feels the need to still harass me. I really want to believe him, but he has lied before..so here i am not LB'ing, and giving him the benefit of the doubt..but boy am i on my guard. <P> I'm at least thankful that i have a good support system to help me through this, even if my H only just joined in, my family has been great. I just wish that at this point she would get the hint and go away. Sad thing is, when she finally does... i'm sure it's only because she's found someone else to prey on.. she seems to be a predator.