I stayed up all night going through this board, reading, and trying to find my wife's posts. (Didn't know her screen name). Well, I found her. I knew she wasn't a lurking type!<P>It's over. She's given up. Got to get on with my life.<P>She said some things I definitely don't agree with and feel were not presented acurrately, but she also did things I didn't know about to find a way for us to be together and work through this. It's just too late. What a mess.

poorme,<P>I'm really sorry. <P>I read your other post and I will have to say that it did make me somewhat angry. That's why I didn't reply to it. I felt that I couldn't say anything constructive if I was angry. I know that some people got a little carried away in their responses to you, but you also got some good advice.If you love your wife, take that advice. <P>You need to do some deep soul-searching and find out if you do want your marriage and what you are willing to do to make it work. It is possible to change attitudes and ways of thinking. Read about Plan A and see if you are willing to try that.<P>Good luck to you and your wife! <BR>Mitzi<P>

Before you give up on you marriage, you need to be in a firm Plan A. You need to prove yourself to your W. Last year, my H betrayed me for 7 weeks. It was with one OW. Didn't you have several? I'm still trying to recover from it and it has already been over a year!<P>Your W needs to heal from this and she is in pain. That is understandable. If you really want your marriage, the don't give up on it so easily.<P>It took awhile for your marriage to deteriorate and it won't recover overnight. Recovery is a delicate and sensitive matter and patience & understanding is important.<P>It's going to take time (in addition, what YOU DO with that time is important).<P>Re-read the Harley concepts and work on Plan A.<P>

Absolutely-ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! <BR>Poorme, read and put it into ACTION. The first step is to DO. Come on, dont be so easily discouraged.<BR>Of course your wife has just about given up on the marriage. Since when does that mean the fat lady is singing? Only will if you want that. <BR>Okay so you found her posts. That should give you very valuable insight, very good tools to work with. If you make the CHOICE. Okay, so she sees some things differently than you. That should be expected-we are all individuals, we interpret things in different ways. Yeah, it is a mess. But you can change that.<BR>READ, DO, PLAN A!!!!!<BR>start now. There are people ehre to help you, just choose to help your marriage and to listen. ((((hugs))))

Poorme,<BR>My husband came here in February, posted--got some flames, but also was supported as a betrayer trying to change. He read my posts and, like you, thought I didn't/hadn't presented the situation accurately and he didn't agree with some of what I had posted. At that time, after 18 months of doing Plan A and his leaving me again, all I wanted was to be out of the marriage, so what I posted wasn't "marriage building", in fact most of my posts the last couple months have been in the Divorcing/Divorced forum.<P>So, you don't see things the same way she does, as CL says, you are individuals and you need to work on communicating so that you do understand how the other is perceiving the situation.<P>The good news is...my husband continued to try to meet MY needs,to Plan A me...and my love for him is renewed. We're still separated, but our bond is back and there is real hope for our marriage for the first time in 2 years.<P>If you want your wife, set aside the next 6 months to woo and love her. Discuss your big issues--children, infidelity, expectations. If at the end of 6 months she doesn't want the marriage...you will have given it a good effort. Giving up because she has given up will only lead to divorce. <P>What are you in such a hurry for?

I think the major issue here is that a good Plan A effort from poorme would require "Giver", and he seems to be focused on 110% "Taker". Frankly, it's not "too late", but he's going to have to make an effort.<P>Poorme, if you were in the military---I suggest you think of me as your CO. Now go call MB and set up an appointment for counseling (888-639-1639). And expect to spend six hard months learning new behaviors and skills.<P>You will benefit, regardless of what happens to your marriage. If you don't, and pitch the marriage---I will guarantee (100%) that you will end up here within 10 years with another failed marriage.

Poorme:<P>Now the real you comes out. You see your wife slipping away and your're beginning to realize that you really could lose her. We understand hurt and denial here.<P>I believe I told your wife this same thing and she agreed with me. You never stop loving someone you've been in love with, the feelings just a very deep and need some work to revive them. She's tryed very hard, but she's reached the end of her rope.<P>From now on, you will have to make the effort. If you really want to save this marriage (and I think you do, but you don't know how), start now, get some counseling, begin to listen to your wife, admit your mistakes and show some remorse for what you've done and said.<BR> <BR>What have you got to lose? If you don't you'll lose her away.<P>Buffy <BR> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 02, 2000).]