Good morning, things always look more optomistic when the sun shines and the birds sing. It's another glorious day dispite many unsolved problems. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the following:<P>My sister-in-law encouraged and was a facilitator to W's long term affair. S-I-L and I never got along and in her opinion I was a "bad" person for W. She felt my boy scout qualities (S-I-L'S term) of sobriety, fidelity, financial responsibility, generosity, etc, etc didn't count and all that mattered was that my W should be "happy". <P>W was happy in her addiction to OM for many months then OPs true nature and background came out - vulgar, alcoholic, bancrupt, big time user of W, past history of wife (2) abuse, perversion, no job and another woman pregnant.<P>W and I have agreed that there would be no benefit to her telling her parents all the facts and real reason for her divorcing me even though they are of the opinion W divorced me because I was "bad" for W.<P>We disagree about telling her sister. I feel it would be fair to me that S-I-L be told all the details about the man she encouraged W to associate with. I believe she should know the harm caused by her attitude and actions and how she contributed to our problem. W feels that I want S-I-L told as I "always have to look like I'm perfect".<P>As always, lots of questions, not many answers. Your input would be greatly valued. Have a good one.<P>

I don't know. I can understand your wanting to do this for several reasons. I have also been tempted to get other people involved and have actually done it to some degree. It's all basically a selfish thing though. We just do it to make ourselves look better and make the betrayers look like themselves. It doesn't really help anything, and isn't it water under the bridge? <P>In my case, I told my inlaws about my H's live-in girlfriend and they just plain didn't believe me. They know she lives with my H, but they think she's a wonderfully devoted wife (she's married to someone else) who is living on a different coast than her H because of financial reasons. (I'm told she's loaded- so much for that). They can't believe my H, their perfect son, would EVER do such a thing.<P>I justified telling them by saying that it would help me illustrate that they have always judged me unfairly and that if they knew this, they might cut me some slack. At the time, I also wanted my H to leave me alone. I thought that he'd get furious and write me off for good. It completely backfired. They think I am a meddling, no good woman who stirs up trouble. A case of sour grapes because my H left me basically. <P>My H is sitting pretty because his affair is out in the open, but he didn't have to be the one to tell anybody. He was HAPPY that I told them. He was reinforced that no matter what he did, his parents would stand by him and condemn me.<P>Lesson learned. I wouldn't tell anybody. This stuff comes out anyway. If your SIL is inclined to change her views based on your information, she still will when it comes out.

Thanks for your input Popeye:<P>Family already knows S took up and lived with OP. Sister-in-law who encouraged S in affair doesn't know what a s*** head she abetted to use S.<P>My feeling is that she should be aware of the problems her meddling caused. <P>S feels as you that telling S-I-L the truth about OP is for my benefit. Maybe so but some truth about the consequences may be in order?

The question is whether your relationship is getting back on track. As to your SIL that information about the kind of person the affair partner was should come from your ex-wife. In fact, if your ex-wife is remorseful about what she did she should be the one to set the record straight not only to your SIL but to her parents. She should be standing up for you. She should get her SIL to apologize to you for her role in this affair. If your ex doesn't understand this then in my opinion you still have problem with her.<P>[This message has been edited by max (edited June 04, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by max (edited June 04, 2000).]

Thanks Max for your view. Mine too. Ours was a very long and tortuous affair, reunion and now finally getting at resolution. this subject seems to be a major problem for W and an irritation for me.<P>Other views than mine appreciated as being inside a situation makes one question the validity of their understandably biased outlook.<P>Thanks again and hope you have a good day.<P>