I learned soon after the affair that the OM was the best she ever had sexually. Of course he has been with over 30 women, I guess pratice makes perfect. I just feel so inadequate in bed now. She says don't worry about it, and I am good in bed, but it just doesn't seem that way knowing what they did (another plus of not asking too much about the affair, but too late now). My inadequacy is making me want to give up trying to be intimate. Yes, I am reading the books and trying to improve, but I just keep thinking that she will be thinking "I wish he was better in bed, I wish he could satisfy me like OM did". Any suggestions?

KLS - <P>I think it would be less painful for a betrayer to slowly insert a dagger in our heart and twist it instead of listening to some of the things they say to us. <P>It's not you. Repeat that to yourself - IT'S NOT YOU!!!!<P>This junk about being the best is typical with that "in love" feeling along with the secrecy and illectness of it all. If your wife is honestly working to rebuild these feelings she has will fade. She will come to realize that she was just another notch in some predators belt. In time he won't be iewed as the best, he will be viewed for what he really is. Your commitment love to her will far out weigh this junk. <P>If you are up to it now, ask her what he did that was so impressive. For the most part, I think it's the tenderness and caring that are important. <P>Best wishes to you.<P>SHA

Get the book "Light Her Fire" by Ellen Kriedman. If you wish to get her going, you better start as soon as you get out of bed. Romance her throughout the day. Just a short phone call, maybe leave a note before you go. Just I love you" will do. Don't build it up with talk of making love.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

oh, KLS,<P>I do understand......my H actually told the OW that she was the best he ever had....and told me that he had told her this, and confirmed it in an e-mail to her......what an ego boost for bimbo!!!!I love that she knows my inadequecies......<BR>however, H has now stated that it was the passion and desire involved that made it (at the time) the best he ever had......she wanted him, went out of her way to tease and flirt, wore bikinis, used sexual innuendo out the wazoo......got him so worked up....he said that the sexual tension building part was fantastic for him, then, he sort of had to 'go thru with the sex' to pay her back for making him feel good......her raw desire and lust for him is really what made it the best....not the act with her itself....because when it came down to the act, well, H had a few problems.....(darn that guilt!!!LOL) there was alot of oral to make it up to her.....<BR>also, your W is 21, she and you have decades to really have the 'best sex ever'......what I thought of as the best at 21, and what I think now, at 31, are 2 totally different things.....but I have tried that teasing, building the tension thing......works really well....love notes, gentle kisses, feeling the curve of her waist...nothing overtly sexual.....like Chris said.....<BR>remember, you are you and that is what she chose.....ask her what sh would like.....<P>p.s. I think they all tell the OP they are the best ever......justification of some sort I suppose.....<P>Dylan

Here is a suggestion that may be unacceptable to you but here it goes.<P>Let her lead you and guide you. Let her tell you what she wants you to do. Let her teach you. Don't ask or even try to think about whether this is something she learned from him (impossible, I know, been there, done that).<P>Do your best not to be insulted by her telling you what to do.<P>Talk to her a lot during sex. Let her put your hands where she wants them. Make a game of it if you need to in order to ease the stress or make you more comfortable. If she is anything like me it will really be pleasurable.<P>Here is another idea, something I have always wished and have even asked my H to do. Reinact the scene in Gone With the Wind (Considering you are male, there is the possibility you haven't ever watched it, it is at the video store) where Rhett picks up Scarlett and runs up the stairs and then the scene changes . Every woman wants to feel so attractive and "hot" that their man looses control over her. Or atleast I do.<P>

I tend to agree with the other posts. Good sex is all tied up with great communication and fullfilling each others emotional needs.<P>As you build up these feelings in the marriage once again the intimacy will be such that she wont ever be thinking how good it was with the OM.<P>I get all upset when I think of the fire between my W and the OM but only have to remember how good it was when we first met.<P>Hang in there and get those love bank deposits up an overflowing and before you know it things will be better than ever.<P>Fairenough

KLS<P>That was good advise from Essyboo.<P>Essyboo you really are a romantic. Settle down a little as my W has been gone 3 months and you got me all hot and bothered, LOL.<P>Fairenough

fairenough said<BR>""I get all upset when I think of the fire between my W and the OM but only have to remember how good it was when we first met.""<P><BR>yes! yes! yes! yes! yes!......exactly.<P>4 yrs ago, we're having sex on the kitchen table......everywhere, everyhow......its that newness, the excitement.....that's all.<P>Dylan

Check out <A HREF="http://www.lightyourfire.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.lightyourfire.com/</A>

That's true, I do beleive some of it was the passion, excitement, etc. But it was also the physical ability of the OM too. Much more experienced, positions etc. Plus he could please her a lot longer. The feelings of passion are starting to get back between us, and my W and I are communicating beautifully. I have been constantly doing a lot of romantic thing. Calling her, leaving her notes, flowers, and even using the book 101 nights of great sex (or something like that). And our intimate life is not bad at all in my eyes. But I just feel that I'm not as physically (and mentally?) apt to match the expertise of the OM. I'm afraid she is wanting more and just not telling me because she knows it will hurt. Plus I sometimes feel she is not doing all of the things she could for me (notes, calls, etc.) She is doing it some, but it just feels like it's not enough. We've talked about it and it has been getting better. I think she's dealing with other things in her past that are blocking our relationship some. I think the affair (and our counselor) made her realize that the way she was dealing with her past problems (mainly running from them) didn't actually solve them. This realization is wieghing heavy on her subconsciously, and subsequently she is always tired, not in the mood, etc. Off the subject some, but maybe insite.<p>[This message has been edited by KLS (edited December 06, 1999).]

Another thing that helped my in this area (by the way, this is one area we aren't still having trouble in), was finding something that they didn't ever do (it was hard since their affair lasted about a year), and monopolize on that. Make it yours. There were things he was unwilling to do even for her that will for me now. He has learned more control and I have also learned how to read his level and help him with control, that sort of thing. I also have developed my own little keywords. He is learning what I mean when I say certain things and is learning how to respond to them. I am trying to get him to do the same thing. It improves the quality of sex and it also makes me feel that this is a way of communicating and mutually controlling sex with each other that wouldn't work with anyone else, because they don't speak our language anymore.<P>I will give you some examles:<P>"Easy" for me means, slow down, make it tender.<P>I have another word for the opposite, I won't share that one.<P> . <p>[This message has been edited by Essyboo (edited December 06, 1999).]

Thanks, Essyboo<BR>I will talk to her about that, that does sound like it may help.

I wouldn't worry too much for two reasons:<BR>1) Love conquers all, and will easily once again make YOU the best she's ever had in time; and 2) as the others said, the other person is always perceived as the best at that time given the nature of the situation.<BR>My wife, for example, acutally has not been with another man, but thinks she wants to test the pasture on the other side because she didn't have a chance pre-marriage. These thoughts have made her believe currently that she's no longer sexually attracted to me - it's in part how she justifies the desire. And it's the same for you wife. That feeling is not real, and will go away with time, patience, and your meeting her emotional needs and Loving the heck out of her sincerely.

Love is extremely important, but there is knowledge out there and I feel that confidence comes with knowledge.<P>I loved my H with all my heart, but love alone didn't cause me to climax and I didn't for the first 13 years of our marriage. There is a certain amount of knowledge that makes things better. We have gone way beyond even what they had together. I understand more fully and so does he.<P>I read a book called The Act of Marriage. He states in this book that we have an obligation to direct the Thought Life of our spouses. It explains this by saying we have a duty and the reason God developed marriage was to satisfy certain needs and desires that God gave us to keep our spouses from being tempted by unholy sexual acts. We have a duty to keep our love lives exciting and fulfilling. God gave us sexual urges and desires that go beyond what he gave to the animals. He has also told us to be momogamous. (we can argue the multiple wives mentioned in the old testament, but I don't know the answer to that). God gave us an urge, but then gave us "His" way to satisfy it and it involves a husband and a wife. <P>I feel I have a duty to satsify my H sexual desires, he has a duty to treat me in a way to make me want to do that. He has a duty to satisfy my sexual desires, I have a duty to treat him in a way that makes him want to do that. If my spouse likes variety, I can give it to him. God has promised us it can work. That doesn't mean we automatically know what we need to know to make this work. I have had to learn a lot, so has my H. We didn't know a lot of this for 13 to 14 years. <P>That was a lot of wasted time. I went from not even caring about sex to having a drive that sometimes surpasses my H's, but not very often. It's like men say, a woman isn't a nemphomaniac unless she wants sex more than him.

KLS,<P>You have been given some very good advice. Allow me to perhaps repeat some of it. What you need to know is that there is a difference between having sex and making love. The OM sounds to be a bit more practiced at this than you. As you have already been told, you can learn and believe me it can be fun . <P>This is an issue that you really need to talk with you W about for several reasons. One it is bothering you. Two you can be as good. Three you must not make it a competition between you and OM. <P>This last one is really key here. If you talk with your wife about what OM did that she really liked, you will be admitting to a willingness to learn and forgive your wife. That alone is going to help the situation; alot. However, don't keep asking her if it was as good as OM. It is a "have you quit beating your wife?" type of question. No good answer. Hey, as for staying power, I have some good news for you: sort of. When you get to my age 50+, everything takes longer. You aren't getting older you will just get better . <P>Finally, I do think it is important that your W know that this is causing you some concern. Although, it is frequently thought of as a male ego insecurity, you can tell from the responses here all of the betrayed (Male or Female) worry about this. It is normal. She can help you and you can help you. <P>Go for it and have fun doing it. In someways the gloves are off and you can now talk about these subjects in a more relaxed manner. Compared to talking about an affair this is a piece of ... cake . Enjoy the learning process.<P>Good Luck.<P>JL

Thanks to all for your help. You guys (and gals) have really helped me through these trying times. I did talk to her about it last night. I sat her down and asked her if we could talk about it. I even had a partial list of questions. I went through the entire affair step-by-step, day-by-day. I was very scared at first, but the more we talked the more relaxed I got. It hurt her immensly too, but I have been thanking her for doing it since. I didn't go into extreme detail, but I did get all of my questions answered. Come to find out, the sex wasn't that good at all. She was only in it for the emotional, he wanted the physical. And now she does see him for the predator that he was. Taking advantage of his bad marriage and our weakened state. But I have found now that all of my questions are answered that a wieght has been lifted. I am completly falling back in love with my wife, and she is with me. It's a wonderfull feeling, I just wish everyone's problems on this site could end this way. Again thanks for all of your help and I will continue to visit this site and help where i can.<P>"The road is long and bumpy, but it can end at a greater destination."

My OM told me at the time that I was the best that he had ever had. But guess what!! He also said that the worst he ever had was the best he ever had at the time. <BR>Don't worry about that. It is not you.