I don't know what to do. I truly don't think there is a remorseful bone in my H's body and that he really isn't ready to change, but if there was that tiny chance, I'd be willing to delay things and see what happens. Am I being foolish? Last minute jitters? I can do without the heartache, lies, and disappointments. I NEED to feel some self respect, but have I done enough?<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

Even after reading some of your H's posts, I can't guess what he might have meant with his statements, but your doubt about the divorce is very clear.<P>I jumped ahead with divorce papers for reasons of my own...and then put them on hold...now on hold for 2 months. My H & I are closer to reconciliation than we've been in 2 years. So my advice, don't be in a hurry if you have any doubts. I think you answered your own question, you said if there was even a tiny chance, you'd be willing to delay things.<P>Do it, what do you have to lose? Your self-respect & self-esteem belong to YOU, he cannot take them from you. And you will not lose them by choosing to stand by your committment a while longer. Don't let things "just happen" be proactive & choose. Waiting can be a definite choice.<P>You decide.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

popeye,<P>One quote that stick out to me is... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In general... if putting off the divorce doesn't lead to a hardship...<BR>...put it off...<P>I my case, I couldn't... my W is pushing it and pushing it... <P>Personally the idea that "adultery=divorce" is a hard one for me to buy into...<BR>...adultery is so much worse<BR>...divorce is just it's by-product<BR>...but both lead to so much pain and hurt. <P>I'll be praying for your decision... <P> <P>Jim

Popeye:<P>The indecision you are experiencing at this time is predictable. I think everyone questions the validity of their response to the divorce issue when the days get closer to the final court date. <BR>After the initial mindset of "this is what I definitely want" has waned a bit, we seem to have time to consider things that maybe we did not look at before. We look at our history with our spouse, remember specific things that made them special to us, we look back at what we did or did not do to contribute to the problem, we may want to put aside our pride but wonder if that leaves us open and vulnerable for more pain. <P>I longed for what I once had, before the problems, before the alcohol. I had to admit to myself that I had become withdrawn when my husband started drinking and just let him go to stumble on his own. <BR>I thought I was doing 'Alanon' by practicing tough love and detaching from him and his illness. I thought if he experienced the full impact of the consequences to his actions, then he would stop drinking on his own, stop the reckless behavior on his own and come crawling to me for solace, probably so I could feel superior. Instead, he did the one thing I never thought he would be capable of-drunk or sober. Imagine my surprise when the reckless behavior escalated beyond my wildest expectations. I couldn't afford to be smug anymore, or self righteous. I had to do something--anything, so that I knew in my heart I did everything possible.<P>So, these small, what seem to be insignificant steps that take on a life of their own, end up impacting us for the rest of our lives. In my case, my pride and pseudo self-respect kept me from going to my husband early on and trying to connect with him at a time that he needed me and perhaps I could have reached him. <BR>In order to repair my marriage I had to abandon all my 'self' inclinations to Plan A him home. I still feel as though I lost myself when I did everything to bring him back to me. That's why I envied your self respect, self preservation and determination not to allow your spouse ruin the remainder of your life. I questioned as to whether or not he was worth it, whether or not my marriage was worth it and if I was sacrificing myself for...what? <P>Plan A worked for me. Never had to do Plan B, just threatened it and meant it. Sometimes today I wonder if I did the right thing because our lives are pretty messy because of all the fallout. <BR>Sometimes I wish I would have just let him go to her and then perhaps I would have some indication that he desperately wanted me back, some sign that he longed for me as much as I did for him. But then, I am back to my 'self' issues, my need to be desired and wanted by him -- groveling at my feet declaring his undying love and commitment. <BR>I would be letting fate choose my life's course for me without any of my desires to be considered in the outcome. Just hoping for the outcome I wanted may not have happened if I had just left it to the 'gods'.<P>I don't know, Popeye. I have made so many horrendous mistakes by sitting on my laurels and allowing fate to step in. The outcome is never what I hope for. At least if we act, do something, we know we have been proactive in trying to repair and restore, regardless of the final outcome.<P>Only you know what is truly in your heart for your spouse. Only you know him in a way no one else does and only you can determine if there is a chance for your marriage to be deep, committed, with the complete fidelity that is the most crucial component to a successful marriage, IMHO.<P>I'm glad you are questioning your former decision regardless of what you ultimately decide so you will have looked at both sides of the coin at the elenth hour and were able to change your course of action, if that is what you wish to do. It's so hard to know and I hate there are no guarantees. <P>Catnip =^^=

Hi Popeye:<P>A chance for me to come back to you with some thoughts, not even suggestions. After getting into her affair my W divorced me to follow her "heart". It proved a disaster for her. We're now 2 years into rebuilding. <P>If she hadn't pushed for divorce (sort of the other way around for you) I think our chances of reconciling earlier and easier would have been greater. Divorce is so final and gives the other party "reason" to continue their persuit of another life. It seems to wash away the mud they caused by their affair and reduces the thinking of what they did and what might have been and could be otherwise.<P>To adapt an old adage: Divorce in haste, regret in liesure.<P>Just my thoughts. God bless and good luck, we all need that.

popeye:<P>You know that I've been counseling you against this divorce---mainly because I don't think it's what you WANT right now.<P>But honestly, after seeing what "poorme" wrote, my first response was "divorce his sorry a$$"---and that's something that I *never* say. <P>Seriously, if poorme is that self-centered, this is going to be an uphill climb. I still think that you should try it, especially because he might be open to the counseling. It's pretty clear that an important motivation for him is to get his needs met. The real question will be whether he's going to be able to reign in his "Taker" and eliminate lovebusters. He probably doesn't realize that if he'd let his "Giver" see the light of day, that his Taker could be more satisfied. <P>I'd really recommend the counseling here, for the both of you.

Thanks for your insight. All very good and heart felt advice.<P>I have this friend whom I really admire. He always does the right thing. No matter how hard it is for him to control himself, no matter how much he might obsess about stuff, his ACTIONS are in the best interest of all parties. I want to do the same.<P>I think it is the best interest of all if I just let this go. I don't see my H changing. He just doesn't want to. He doesn't think there is any reason for him to. He's right and the world is wrong and can go to hell. Why do I want to fight for that? <P>I can't reconcile my feelings of wanting the OC to have a family, yet not wanting it to be a part of our lives. In time I know things change for all people, but right now it's too big of an issue to even think about.<P>I don't want my daughter to have to deal with the mess of rebuilding. Though I've tried to shelter her from it, she's had her share of pain too. She loves him too.<P>Though I have come to appreciate family more, I really don't want to have any more children. It's not just that I want my children to have a safe and secure home and don't feel can give that, children just don't fit into my lifestyle. I have goals that would have to be put aside in order for me to be the kind of mother I feel all children deserve. The whole idea of babies and diapers and all that just doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I tried the idea on, but it's not me. Not now. <P>This stuff can't be fixed. The logical thing is just for me to let go. I can pretend I have some different set of circumstances and wish for some different outcome, but I really don't see anything but unending struggle that will eventually end in divorce anyway. I wish it were different. <P>I'm letting it ride on through. It's up to him now. I can "what if" until the cows come home, but at some point he has to take some responsibility for this too. Maybe I made it harder. Maybe he has all those doubts and doesn't trust me, but he needs to be proactive too and choose his direction in life. If he wants it, he's going to have to work for it. <P>Thanks for listening.