I have read many of your posts about loving your husband by being open and not LB'ing.<P>I have been trying to love unconditionally and give my H the benefit of the doubt.I have been able to sacrifically love him for a couple of months, without expecting anything in return. Last night I thought I would try telling him how I feel without being accusatory or judgemental. I want us to be close and be able to talk to each other about anything, but I think I learned last night that "our relationship and feelings" are off limits.<P>My statement was that I loved him and want us to be able to talk to each other about anything and not have secrets----the minute I said secrets---he completely tuned out--puffed up---got angry--went completely inside himself.<P>I admit that I have problems choosing the right words to say---no matter what I say it is the wrong thing.<P>I was trying to let him know that our marriage is important to me and that I want us to be intimate. He is not speaking to me today.<P>He didnt say much, but said that he thought everything was fine, and that he guessed that shows how stupid he is.<BR>He travels all the time--calls me at night for a few minutes--all during our "conversations" he is typing on the computer. He has had internet affairs in the past and I suspect he still is. We have attempted sex twice in the last month with no success.<P>I am beginning to feel that the only way to have someone be interested in me is to go outside of the marriage. My beliefs keep me from this, but I am so miserable.<P>How were you able to be positive and loving to your husband while he was involved with someone else. How can you possibly repair a marriage if one partner wants to keep it only on a superficial level? Do I expect too much? <P>How do I repair the damage I did last night?

Godalone,<BR>Sorry but I am butting in as gently as I possibly know how.<P>I have found that being humble as unto God is the key. I listen to my W and pray for her because her pain is great from way before I met her. I have been researching bipolar disorder and other disorders to better help me to understand where she is coming from so that I can meet the needs that God wants me to meet for her. I in as loving a way as possible let her know that I know I am not perfect but am thankful that God brought her into my life. <P>I keep thinking about how we sinners (all have sinned and come short of the glory of God) continue to hurt God with our willful disobedience even now not to mention when Jesus was being crucified. Jesus humbled Himself to die from our sins.<P>Keep your focus on doing what God wants you to do by focusing on God rather than yourself or your H. God gets me in check everytime I get my focus off Him. I have wanted to leave on numerous occassions but haven't because He would talk to me in a sermon I heard on a particular day or scripture I read on a particular day. I do both daily.<P>Read your Bible so that He can speak to you directly. He always gives you the strength to do His will. We just have to be receptive to what He is telling us. We MUST stop rebeeling as we did with our earthly parents.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Sorry I'm late! Thanks, Rob, for jumping in!!<P>I wasn't well last week and then we left for a four day holiday and I just got home.<P>Be patient w/ me one more night, ok? Robert and I want to relax a little and I'll get right back here tomorrow!!!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Rob,<BR>Thank you for posting---I needed to hear that. I know that God can do anything, and there have been times that I feel he has given me scripture or used others to assure me that my marriage is salvable.<P>I think of the story of the prodigal son and how the son had to go off the deep end and hit rock bottom before he returned home.<BR>I also remember that the father gave him his inheritance and "waited" until the son returned. The Bible doesnt say if the father Plan A'd the son or Plan B'd the son.<BR>Sometimes I am so confused about whether I am Loving unconditionally or Putting my head in the sand and allowing myself to be used.<P>I know that for whatever reason, God has allowed me to be in this position right now for a reason. Some days I am able to give it all to him and some days I want to fix it all. I guess I felt that I could lovingly tell my H how I felt---but I was wrong.<P>I am sure that I gave him amunition to continue his behavior, because I am the enemy. He went out of town for the week this morning--will be back late Friday night.<BR>He flew to a new state he has acquired in his territory and will rent a car. His destination is about 500 miles from one of his internet cybersex partners. It would be easy to drive up and I would never know--<P>I spent time in the past snooping and discovered the internet affairs. Lately, I have chosen to let God handle it and not search his things. I feel better about myself when I choose to not snoop, but I also feel that I am enabling him to continue in his "other" life, with no consequences.<P>Sorry, I went off on a tangent---<BR>Pray for me that I will be able to stay in the word. I know that it is the only thing that will change MY heart. <P>

Lostva,<BR>Thanks for taking time out to contact me.<P>I am so happy that you and your H were able to have some time together and I wouldnt do anything to interfere in that.<P>Contact me when you can.<BR>I appreciate your help.

Godalone, I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but in this forum section there is an area called "Women's Bible Study". It began by using the book THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian, and still uses that book as a guide, but is also a wonderful place to go when you need specific prayers, and even guidance in how to pray.<P>You aren't alone.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Oh, GodAlone, I am SOOO sorry this took so long! It's been such a hectic week for us. I'm still seeing the dr and the schedule has been nuts.<P>You have the right attitude I think. I'm no expert, not by a long shot, but I have lived through my husband living with another woman and then returning home. I can offer you my experiences anyway.<P>If your marriage is not solid, intimacy and closeness is impossible, as is that being able to talk to each other about anything stuff. It's not something you can ask for, but something, I think, you have to tend, like a garden and watch it grow. During the time that Robert was gone, I never ever talked about us, our relationship or his relationship with PT. The first real conversation about our marriage actually only occurred AFTER he asked if he could come home. We didn't have a whole lot of interaction while he was gone, but I made sure that the little we had was as pleasant as possible.<P>You see, the way I saw it, we had lost, first and foremost our deep friendship. And a marriage or love can't be built on anything less. I learned to become his friend. Not a close friend that he could unburden to (at least not at first), but like all other friendships, someone that he had a good time with, felt safe with. At first he didn't trust any of it (and neither did I, to tell you the truth!), but we both grew. Even when he began to trust me with little comments on his life, I STILL didn't bring us up...I just listened. You see, my focus changed. I was growing and learning about myself and being a real friend to him, and a real friend doesn't HAVE a personal agenda, right? I wasn't always trying to win him back, I simply loved him and believed in him and us - according to him, that showed through. He's commented several times on it, as well as the respect I showed him when he acknowledges he didn't deserve it. But, the man I loved DID deserve respect. In my heart, bad judgements and decisions were just that, not a statement about his soul, so to speak. Besides, I knew this man. Something HAD to be torturing him terribly to cause him to turn his back on everything he ever believed in.<P>I believe that God will take care of things. I also believe that He helps those who help themselves. Not only is this a trial for our marriages and our spouses, but an opportunity that He gives US to grow as the people he wants us to be - to fulfill our potential as human beings.<P>I don't believe in the "doormat" theory I hear so often on this board. I take responsibility for my part of the state my marriage was in, though it took me a while to see it. Actually, Robert couldn't come up with one single complaint. But, upon introspection, I saw the mistakes. I saw I wasn't all I could be, as a wife, a mother, a person. And I set out to change it. Lo and behold, he started "liking" me. "Mom, I really like the person Lori is now, herself, but MORE somehow." And I got the "We make better friends than spouses" thingy. <P>You know, I don't think I was stuck. Or a victim. Or used. I proceeded with our lives as if he would never come home. I learned about myself, had a good time when I could, learned the meaning of self-pity, pride, courage. But, I never stopped loving him or believing in him or us every step of the way - just as I wouldn't stop loving my daughter, no matter what she did. My life wasn't on hold, just proceeding down a different path, but I never gave up my faith in me, him or us. He told me once he came home that he felt I was strong and my strength and my love made HIM strong enough to find himself again. I used to say I wasn't a victim, but a warrior (right Sheba??? )<P>Hang in there. You have amazing power. You cannot control him or his feelings or behavior, but you CAN control yours. And you're the only one who can!!!!<P>You're doing great. <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<P>(BTW, the book "Power of a Praying Wife" and the discussion forum is terrific! I STILL read it daily!)<P>I'm no saint. I made a lot of mistakes. But I learned some lessons during our separation. You ARE strong enough to do this. Love is strong enough.

Lori,<BR>Thanks for taking time to help me.<P>I will try to get the book Power of a Praying Wife today. Its funny--I have looked at it several times, but didn't buy it. I just finished Secret Lies--recommended by someone on the board, and it was very enlightening.<P>I love my H very much and want our marriage to be more than "just roomates". I do think he has a secret life---on the internet ---and I am not sure how we can be intimate if he insists on keeping secrets from me.<P>But, I also realize that what you said is true. The only power I have is over myself.<BR>I have Chuck Swindoll's essay on "Attitude" on the wall of my kitchen. It states that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. I guess I have been Reacting badly. <P>I am trying to "let go" of our relationship and stop dwelling on it. I was listening to a radio program while driving last week and they asked "who is your God?", "who,or what do you think about all the time?", "who are you trying to please?"----I had to answer--my H!<BR>I realized that I had become so obsessed with "us" and making my H happy that I had totally lost sight of everything else.<BR>I plan to do everything I can to be the best wife I can be, but I cannot change my H, only God can.<P>I will work hard on me and having the most wonderful life I can, regardless of circumstances.<P>I was proud of myself this weekend. My H tried to push my buttons a couple of times and I managed to "not react". He was mad at someone else and blew up at me---normally I would have taken it personally, but I even had to smile while he was pointing his finger in my face and yelling. It was really quite comical. And as I am writing this, I have to think that he must feel somewhat safe with me to use me as a sounding board. <P>Thanks again for your insight. I can't imagine what you must have gone through. I hope someday my H can see half of the love in me that I see in you. Your H is a very lucky man.<BR>

You're doing great!<P>Surprisingly enough, the secrets will DECREASE and trust and friendship grow. At least that's what happened for US! There were still secrets at first, even after he came home - no more.<P>I didn't ask, I didn't insist, just stayed as open and non-judgemental as I could. I was tested constantly at first....to get a reaction. Sure enough, the better I got at this, the more he volunteered - until there was really nothing much to volunteer!<P>Hang in there, Honey. It takes a lot of work and a long time, but it's worth it!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori