What? You think Genie is saying something I haven't heard a million times before?<P>My H <B>TOLD</B> me I could <B>NOT</B> quit my job. There are <B>always</B> exceptions -and how many of you are raising a special needs child, have filed BK twice, have lost everything financially, worked your job as a temp for <B> seven years </B> because there were <B>no jobs</B>. My job is completely specialized, and the only other thing I <B>might</B> be qualified to do is be a secretary or a data input person. I already tried to find those kinds of jobs for seven years!<P>Yes, I'm defensive! I've explained this over and over. It's like a mantra, "I can't quit, I can't quit". <P>I am <B>both</B> betrayed and betrayer. I came here as betrayer, and my H betrayed before and after. Why do I have to make a decision about whether or not I'm one or the other? This was suggested by someone last night, sorry forgot who. My point was, and is, that I have to fight for my marriage over and over no matter which side I'm on. Yeah, I know life isn't fair. I never expected it to be. Everyone keeps telling me that it's up to me (even alone) to fight for my marriage. Why? My marriage is all but over, and it's all up to me - <B>just like it always was</B>. He sits on his a** emotionally, won't do a dam* thing to make things better, watches me run around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Then one day - oh my God! - I get mad - and all hell breaks loose. I must be losing my mind! <P>You know what? For better or worse, I'm on <B>both</B> sides of this thing. I right now have to face his defenses about his newest OW, and he won't stop seeing her in the guise of going to church to see Jesus, and now I have to go to work and face OM, and <B>I DON'T WANT TO</B> and whoever on this board feels that I'm purposely pouring salt into his wound by going to work which again, <B>I don't want to</B>.<P>Guess what? I'm tired of defending myself. Yes, this touched a major nerve, no, it's not PMS, and yes, maybe it's best that I just stay away for awhile. <P>Frank, Uncle Angelo would be nice, and the OM <B>has</B> been offered another job. Hopefully he thought about it while on vacation and will get the hell outta my office. <P>I'm still here (at MB) and I'm not sure why except that there are people here I love and care for. And I know that there are <B>some</B> who have listened and know that I have tried so very hard and that <B>I HAVE HAD IT</B>. There are those who routinely say that they wish their betraying wives would <BR>fight as hard for their marriage as I do. I <B>ended </B>the short affair, slept with the OM only once, and have self-flagulated (sp?) ever since. I am tired of beating myself up, working and fighting for a man who could virtually care less <B>unless</B> I crawl to him on my belly and beg his forgiveness (which, by the way I've done before). <P>I have had it. I think this is what they call a breaking point. By the way, he reads everything, and so it seems that he now has even more reasons to sit there and do nothing while I'm being told to <B>fight</B> for this marriage.<P>I am seeing my counselor this week, Wednesday night to be exact. I'm taking meds. There's nothing else for me to do. <BR>

3 wishes, get off your danged butt and work on this relationship.<P>Jesus isn't in favor of you using his house of worship to avoid and damage your relationship with your wife.<P>NB--OK? (That made me feel great . I wish someone had said that to my H, but then he doesn't come here.)<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{NB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

3wishes or new_beginning's H (whatever you want to be called), <P><B>You</B> have a wife that loves you and is trying to make things work and your're using God's house of worship to see the OW?! <P><B>You</B> have a wife that is willing to rebuild your marriage in to something great?!!<P>You know what is right and good. <P>What you have in your wife is a lady most men <B>NEVER</B> find. Open your eyes 3wishes.<P>SHA<P><BR>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited December 06, 1999).]

Sheryl....<P>Sheryl....<P>Sheryl...<P>Catch you breath...<BR>Breathe deeper... a little deeper.<BR>Relax...<BR>If you can't muster one up now... then have a from me... (or two)<P>I understand your frustration...<BR>Easy now... <BR>Remember my welcome wagon spiel...<BR><B>No judging... no demeaning... no malice here</B><P>and please know...<BR><B>you</B> are <B>loved</B> here...<BR>more than you realize.<P><B>No</B>... you <B>don't</B> have to quit your job!<P>You are doing your best... I can see it...<BR>And you don't see any results...<BR>If fact you see even worse... with David seeing the OW.<P><B>Don't</B> be so hard on yourself.<P><B>Don't</B> let the advice that comes from the forum... hurt you so much (I know... easy to say.)<P>It's just recommendations from people... with <B>some</B> (but not all) of your experiences. What might work for them might not work for you... <P>Yes, there <B>are</B> exceptions... <B>always</B>... <P>Do you have to do it alone?...<BR>Will David ever make that commitment to work on your marriage?... I don't know... but I hope... and I pray... <P>If he is truly making a sincere effort to have God enter his life... he can't become so hypocritical...<P>He needs to see you as that broken and left for dead (man)... and have him enter the picture as the good Samaritan... to take pity on the less fortunate... to bind the wounds... take care of you... regardless of what other people think of him or you! <BR>And maybe to take the plank out of his own eye too...<BR>Whether he responds to any posts in the future...<P>I'm not saying that David isn't hurting either... and some shared consolation couldn't help both of you!<P>Keep strong... first in prayer... then in thought... then in action... <P>Lord... I pray for both Sheryl and David... and hope above all other words they hear/see here... they accept Your's above all.<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 06, 1999).]

<B>NSR</B><BR>I continue to be amazed by your posts, you're quite a guy. <P>SHA

Thanks for the replies Lor, SHA, and Jim. Yes, I guess it makes me feel better to hear someone say that I'm not way out in left field here. And yes, the prayers are lovely too, Jim.<P>I just don't remember the last time I was <B>this</B> mad about my life, and I don't like how I feel. I slept on it, my headache went away, but the anger remains. <P>Right this second, if it were possible, I'd go down to the Dominican Republic and get a quickie divorce - 20 yrs. of marriage over in 20 minutes kind of thing. Honest to god, I cannot handle one more second of this.<P>~Sheryl

new_beginning -- NSR has expressed my feelings on this so much better than I could, so I will simply add that you are in my thoughts and prayers.<P>God Bless

I know how you feel...to try and try while H sits on his emotional @$$. It feels like crap for my family to be so dysfunctional. I couldn't stay and keep trying and trying. I had to get out. I regret it some days but then other days I know he has to make some effort towards normalcy and I enabled his dysfunctional behavior for years.<P>I'll keep you in my prayers. Your H has to make some effort at rebuilding the relationship and working on his shortcomings in meeting your needs.

NB, There is no need to defend youself. You do what you have to do in oreder to survive. You have learned from your mistake. Seems like H has not he keeps repeating it over and over. He seems to be a total hypocrite. Who does he think he is fooling, not God!!! It take two to make a real marriage being an A**h**e and being judgemental does NOT work and that is ecatually what you H is doing. I have thought for a long time this was on the border of being abusive it isn't on the border that is. He is mentally and emtionally abusing you. I wish that there was say thing I could say or do to help. There is no advice I can give you ( I am good at giving advice but I feel that you are in a sistuation that you wouldn't be able to follow it through) But sometimes in certain situations the vows you made at marriage no longer exsist. At this point all I can offer is my ear, to listen, my heartfelt support, and my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

ES, thanks for the thoughts and prayers<P>Janie, thanks for giving me a little piece of my sanity back. I'm not going batty, I guess.<P>Di, you aren't the first one to suggest that I am emotionally abused by my H. I have talked to him about it too... I'm sure you understand that he was less than thrilled about that one. <P>Again, I talked to him about therapy and meds. He says those are <B>my</B> demands, and that between he and Jesus, they can work it out.<P>I love Jesus, I really do! but I'm telling you... <B>BLECH</B>...

Sheryl -- You are <B>not</B> out in left field here. You have given almost all you have to give and have gotten nothing in return. There's nothing odd or any kind of failure in that.<P>Maybe it's time to stop thinking about the marriage and start thinking about yourself and doing things <B>you</B> want. Please don't hit me, I know you've heard these things before, but they're true.<P>I know exactly how you feel, I am about 40-50 percent of the way there myself.<P>Please hang in there for those of us who <B>do</B> care.....

Thanks Heartpain... and yeah, I have a pain in my heart too...

NB: Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that you are trying the best that you can to fight for your marriage. I wish your H would act more understanding and realize that in order for it to work, he needs to meet you halfway.<P>3 wishes: You are NOT giving your marriage a chance. You need to stop seeing this OW. How can your marriage work if you are showing interest for someone else? Invest all of your energy in Sheryl and ONLY Sheryl.<P>My prayers and with both of you....

New_Beginning,<P>It's tough, how can I love someone who has hurt me so much? I don't know what to say except that it is your choice to be happy or not. With him or without him!!!<P>There is a saying in this country... "If you love someone let him go, if he returns has been yours always, if he doesn't he nver was".<P>I don't know if I am doing the right thing, her affair has lasted just 1 month and I've known for only over 1 week now- a terrible week it was!! I know that I am not strong as you are and to hold so much pain, and also know that someone in the family has to be mentally balanced, I owe it to my 7-yr. old. I know that I want her back and I am sure I will have her back, I just don't know when.<P>When this happens I know that I'll be there, calmed, balanced, loving and willing to help her lick her wounds.<P>ThisAlex<P>------------------<BR>If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to.

Sheryl -- In the last few days, the pain in my heart has started moving to a slightly lower part of my anatomy. Just letting you know for accuracy sake, of course.....

NB,<P>I feel you will not like what I am about to say, and I'm sorry. But I would like to speak my mind - if I may.<P>You need time for you. You need some time away from your H.<P>He is clearly not willing to meet you halfway re rebuilding your relationship, and he clearly will not give up OW.<P>I realise you have a special needs son, but seemingly you are doing all the work where he is concerned anyway, both physically and emotionally.<P>Can you not ask him to move out - to give yourself some space, and time. This would also give him space and time.<P>I feel quite awkward suggesting this - however - from my own personal experience and situation - it was the BEST thing for me.<P>I have given myself time and space, and also give my H time and space. I have a feeling the person who said "if you set them free... is a fellow Aussie, because that saying is very popular over here.<BR>but its true.<BR>I'll say it again for you.<P>if you love someone<BR>set them free<BR>if they come back, they are yours<BR>if they don't, they never were.<P>Maybe both you and your H NEED some time and space, to sort out those plethora of emotions that are swirling around in those heads of yours. I believe there is love there - as there is in all our cases - however your situation has gone on for too long, with too much being contributed by you, and NOT enough being contributed by your H.<P>Take time for you - sort out your feelings - maybe with him out of the picture (home) you may see things just a little clearer. <P>We all care for you, and feel so much for what you are going through. I wish I could take some of the burden from you. Please know that I am taking some of that burden from you, even from so far away.<P>You are in my thoughts today, and in my prayers. <P>love and hugs<P>Jo<P>PS<P>This is for 3wishes.<P>Don't be so damn slack - leaving your wife to do all the work with your son. He is YOUR son too - have you forgotten that??<BR>Where do you get off treating her, and your son, this way. They both need you - be a man - and start being there for them. Or get out. You can't have it both ways.<BR>Sorry, but you need a serious talking to, and someone to slap you upside the head. Consider it done, from me.<P>I'm so sorry for that, NB, but I am so cross at him. I know I shouldn't get so involved - but your situation hit a nerve with me. It's wrong, it stinks, and he should know.<P>Please don't be too angry with me for saying these things - they are said with love and feeling.

Where to Begin,<P><B>NoTrust</B>,<P>I’m trying not to be so hard on myself. I’m a bit less angry right now, but I think it has more to do with my daughter calling me and telling me that a hacker tried to get into our home system last night. We have a program called Bomb Shelter, which caught the person and warned us. Luckily she was on the computer at the time, so no harm done. But it bugs me. On top of everything else. Sheesh!<P>Thank you for the prayers.<P><B>ThisAlex</B>,<P>I give you loads of respect for the changes you are making. I’m just not where you are - <B>anymore</B>… I <B>used</B> to be, but it was never enough. I agree about it being my choice to be happy. But I’ll say it this way, it’s my choice right now to be "sane" - happiness is very illusive to me right now. I’m miserable.<BR><B>Heartpain</B>,<P>Re: your latest comment…<P><B>BAD, BAD, HEARTPAIN!</B> Just for accuracy sake, of course… hahahahahahaha<P><B>bonnet</B>,<P>Ah honey, thank you for the kind words and thoughts. Please don’t be sorry. However, <B>I</B> feel sorry because I hate to see my life in print like this. I wonder if he will read it and see the truth of it? <BR> <BR>I do want to clarify one thing: our son is now 15 years old, and requires much less care than he used to. Maturity has a way of helping along the kinds of disabilities he has; he’s more like a 10-12 yr. old, and his disabilities are all neurologically based. I don’t have big physical challenges with him, and it’s gotten better lately since he went on hospital home care for his schooling. My H has been trying lately to be there for him… although I still believe that he doesn’t see the reality of son’s situation: i.e. he will never be "normal" (I would <B>never, never </B> let me son see that word, by the way!) in the worlds view.<P>Thank you all again. I am very, very sad… more than angry now. I see my own reality, and I see it without my H of 20 years. It hurts like hell, and here I am at work about to cry my eyes out. Fun.<BR>

have you walked that beach yet??<BR>have you phoned a girlfriend and had lunch?<BR>have you seen a movie?<BR>have you phoned a girlfriend and had coffee?<BR>have you walked that beach yet??<P>I want you to have some time for you.<BR>Can you do that for me.?<P>Even just an hour or two.<P>Take that time for you, please.<P>Thanks for clarifying your son's situation. I feel easier knowing that it is getting easier as time goes on for you. It's also good that H is showing a bit more care.<P>Another slap for him !!!!!!<P>Jo

that 'slap' sounds awful.<BR>Sorry.<BR>I'm perpertrating violence over the net.<BR>I hate violence.<P>Maybe I'll just box his ears instead!!!!!!<P>Had to clarify that one.<P>Jo

New Beginnings,<P>I understand. I was angry too, for you and for me when I rad some of the posts that lead to this. Even tho I'm new here, I can see that a few ppl here allow their bitterness get in the way of logic. I'm sorry for them.<P>I think you are doing everything you can to make your end of things work. It is a heavy load to haul someone up such a steep hill as this who won't carry his own weight. Such a complex situation laden with pain.<P>I won't go into any negative remarks about your H. You can do that far better than I. I can say, my friend, that I can relate. Oh, the names I got called. The arguments. The cruel things I did and said to him. Normally I never would have accepted this behavoir from my H, but in this case, I knew I deserved it. Thankfully, H doesn't call me names, etc anymore. We are past that.<P>I do hate mayself for the pain I caused him. I have to admit there are a few times when i wondered if he wasn't using what I did to win other arguments. Maybe he doesn't. But I do have to wonder, as it comes up every time we do get into a heated match.<P>You keep standing your ground, New. I know the disgust and sickness you feel when you run into OM. Gotta swallow HARD to keep those chunks from rising in the back of your throat, huh? 8^) ! Take a deep breath....<P>Khyra