i am 45. a week ago my op and i ended a two year affair although we still feel that we are in love. i am in such withdrawal, but i'm trying hard to stick to the plan - no contact! here's my story. i have been married for 22 years, my children are both out of the house. i love my husband. two years ago i became involved with my ex-boss. he's a professor at a university, i am an administrator. he is married to another professor in his same dept and they have a 13 year old son. he had been pretty depressed when the affair first started, and he was suicidal. i was a friend. we started having lunch together almost every day. to make a long story short we just fell in love with each other, we seemed to connect very well on a romantic level. we didn't have a sexual relationship until 4 months after we started seeing each other, and in the two years we only got together that way about ten times. we spent hours talking, holding each other. it was wonderful. the plan was that we were going leave our spouses after his wife got her big promotion. he didn't want to jeapordize that. if she hadn't gotten it (tenure) her career would have been over. what i love about his man is that he is a "pleaser" like me, and always thinks through other people's feelings before acting. so d-day came, he moved out of his house. the unthinkable happened, this woman who he had characterized as a uncaring workaholic, suddenly changed. she was no longer the woman he had known for 14 years. to top that off, his son with whom he had a very special bond turned against him. he told his wife about us last week-after we had discussed it, and i gave him the ok ( this was 6 weeks after he moved out), he had originally told her that he just hadn't been happy in the marriage and that he had just stayed until she got tenure. we decided that if he was going to work on his marriage we should have a clean break. i am working on my marriage - i've been reading, reading, reading lately and it's helping me understand what happened. i do love my husband and after 22 years, i'm not sure i could have left him. he is caring, good looking, and meets all my needs, except for my important need for conversation - which is what i got from op.<BR>i'm posting here for two reasons, i'm in such withdrawal, i'm obsessed. it really hurts. how long will this last? unfortunately, we work in the same building and our departments work closely together. it will be awhile before i can change that, we both have a lot invested in our jobs and can't just quit. i have managed to avoid him for the past week. secondly, should i tell my husband about this? i think he would be forgiving, i have no doubt he loves me, but i don't want to hurt him unnecessarily. i have talked to him in the past about my desire for better communication, but he hasn't changed. could telling him be a wake up call that could help us. should i wait until after the initial turmoil of my withdrawal? i feel so sick.

Hi Jill...<BR> I am glad you found your way here. There are a lot of great folks here who will offer support. You may also want to check the infidelity stuff on the homepage...there is info on how affairs should end, how to rebuild, etc.<P> IMHO, you should tell him...it WILL be a wake-up call, and he deserves the chance to "wake up" and meet your needs. If you believe he will be understanding, he may also be a great source of support to you during withdrawal...on the other hand, he may be too angry and hurt to be much help for a while. Harley believes in full and immediate disclosure, and taking whatever steps are necessary to avoid further contact, and I do believe that is ideal, altho not always possible.<P> In my situation, my H fell "in-love" with a co-worker, but it did not become a physical affair. He was very strongly emotionally hooked, however. He did tell me, and I was (predictably) angry & felt betrayed. But, I had known before that neither of us was very happy, and so was able to see how/why this might have happened. He did not offer excuses, but apologized very sincerely for the hurt he had caused. He went thru months of avoiding her at work, and being deeply depressed at home (being stubborn, refused to consider anti-deps). I went thru months of supporting him as he missed her. He did pull out of it after several months, and we are doing well now, and much closer than we have been in years. Oh, and now, after the brunt of withdrawal has passed, she finally got another job & left. <P>Anyway, wanted to offer you a word of encouragement...I know withdrawal is hard and painful, but it can be done. Your H will be terribly hurt, but if the two of you can talk honsetly and openly about all this, and avoid blaming each other, you can help each other thru this mess...and, once thru it, the other side can be very good.<P>Big hugs--<P>Kathi

GillG,<P>In my opinion, you should tell your husband. My husband admits to an "almost mistake" (he hasn't told the entire truth) - but it took him 3 years to disclose this. We were talking last night, and I told him it isn't what he did that hurt so bad, it was the lying to me. <P>In a marriage, the betrayed spouse generally can "feel" when something isn't right. To be betrayed sexually isn't near as bad as being betrayed emotionally - with dishonesty.<P>You say that conversation is a need that isn't being met by your husband. But, for you to stay with your husband for two years, tells me that your husband WAS meeting some of your needs - have you decided what are your most important needs? Could it be that your husband is meeting most of your needs but not having the conversation need met for so long attracted you to this professor?<P>Actually, it is absolutely true that no-contact is the best thing for withdrawal. I have met many people on the marriagebuilders forum, and I don't know one marriage where contact has continued and it hasn't ended with divorce.<P>Even, some of the most sincere people - who truly ended their affair but had a "no inappropriate contact" rule in lieu of complete "no contact" ended up in divorce court.<P>For a marriage of 22 years, and with children (in the house or out), it seems to me this investment in your future, history and memories is far more important than your career. There are other universities. There are other towns. There are ways to put off creditors to make a major life change. No person will ever replace your life, and most of your life history is connected to your marriage.<P>Yes, the pain is great, and will be great for a while. But, medication and the 4 rules of protection under "basic concepts" from the first page - can help you have the future you always planned for your family.<P>Some day you will have grandchildren, and daughter in laws - and will be retired and sharing your memories - and you do not want to share them with someone who never can really share them with you.<P>Buy a picture of an older couple with rocking chairs on a porch. Spend some money on memory albums for your family. Realize what you have. <P>Think of you, not OM. OM will more than likely end up back with his wife and embarassed to run into you. The wife knows, and who knows how your career would be in the future at the university. <P>Welcome to the forum, you will have lots of support. But do not rationalize the MB principles away. Dr. Harley is the expert, and has a 90% success rate in counseling couples with infidelity with his methods. Traditional counselors have some where around 20%. 90% is pretty good odds. But you can't compromise the principles.<P>No contact, and honesty is the way to go here.<P>TNT

thank you both for your speedy responses! tnt, i understand what you are saying. i read all of the infidelity stuff on the homepage, and when i got together with om last week to end it (a very quick encounter) i gave him what i had printed off. this was a very rational break up, and one of the things we discussed was the time we had invested in our marriages. i told him about a time when my husband and i were first married, we saw an elderly couple walk into a cafe where we were eating. they were holding hands and looked so much in love...i told my husband that i could see us at that age like that. i still can. last friday i had made up my mind to tell my husband, but this weekend we had so many commitments, and we had a great time...i just couldn't imagine how i could tell him. he is going to be very shocked. he's a happy person, and we have a lot in common. i made a list of all the things i don't have in common with professor...and i know that once the passion wore off there wouldn't be much to go on. i just need to get through the withdrawal...i feel like i'm getting an ulcer!! anyway...i will be around for awhile, i need all the support i can get!!

Hi JillG...<BR>My heart goes out to you and your pain. You came to the right place. You will find a lot of support from those of us who are going through much of the same pain you are experiencing right now. Stay plugged in to this forum. I have found it to be a lifeline of sorts. <BR>For me, no contact was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. But day by day you will get stronger. <BR>If you need anything, ask and you will find many of us there for you!<BR>My prayers go out to you as you begin your road to recovery!

thank you, wings. i got through weekend number two...wednesday will be two weeks. i still haven't gotten up the nerve to tell my husband. not because i'm afraid of him, but because i can't bring myself to hurt him like that. he's such a good man. i'm not ruling out telling him though. i can't get op out of my mind . i wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him. he's the first thing on my mind in the morning. i'm glad i at least have a forum to talk about this, and it's good to have hope that i can get over this eventually.

Just stopped by to see what was new on your post...Congrats on weekend #2! <P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

JillG....how are you doing? I'm glad to hear you made it through week two. <BR>I'm still pretty new at this myself. So I can sympathize with your situation. <P>I feel stronger every day. <P>Have you discussed this with your husband yet? How is it going for you at the university? Can you avoid each other at all? <P>I care, and just wanted you to know so many people on this forum have given me such comfort. <P>You will survive this...but the pain is very real. God's peace to you in your struggle...<BR>wings

I understand what you're going through. It's good that you can envision you and your H together and in love when you're in your senior years. Keep that picture in mind when thoughts of the OM come up. And brace yourself for week 3. It's a tough one. But you'll get through it. <P>As far as telling your H about it, you will know when the time is right. You might want to write down the things you want to say and how you want to say it as sort of a practice.<P>Good luck.<P>

hi wings and truthseeker,<P>i'm doing ok. haven't talked to my husband about this yet. i'm trying to work out in my head why i want to tell him and what good it would do and what pain it would cause him. things have been going very well for us for the past two weeks and i think i need that stability now. i saw om yesterday. i've been jumping hoops to avoid him, but we ran into each other in the hallway. we didn't speak. i think i can avoid him for the most part, and he's going on leave of absence starting july 1 for 6 months, so that will be good. it's still very hard, i have no appetite and my stomache is a constant state of butterflies when i'm at work. it helps to be with my husband. i've been trying to keep our weekends busy and fun.<P>if you don't mind my asking, what are your stories?

My story is plastered all over MB. The bulk of it is under 'Why Women Leave Men' but there are bits and pieces in this forum, 'In Recovery' and 'Emotional Needs'.<P>If you don't want to do that much reading, the short story is that I had an EA with my dance partner (I love dancing, my H doesn't). I'm not sure when it crossed that line from just dancing together to begin good friends, to feeling something more than that. I felt drawn to him from the very beginning, I think, but it took longer for my heart to 'take over' the way it did. In February he finally realized that I had feelings stronger than friendship for him and gave me the 'just friends' speech. He didn't want to be responsible fro breaking up my marriage. I denied having feelings for him because I wanted to continue dancing with him and thought I could keep it under control as just friends. We did manage to dance together and be friends for a month and then he justquit dancing without warning or explanation. He responded to one email, but it was vague, saying that he was taking time off from dancing and that he would be back. That was 3 months ago and I haven't heard a peep from him. I miss him a lot.<P>My H is a good, kind, loving man, but I am still not sure if I want to stay married. I haven't been able to find the love in my heart for him. We are working on it, but progress is very slow because of some of my own issues I'm dealing with (identity stuff - that's all under the EN forum). I think withdrawal for me would have been easier if I felt in my heart that I wanted to be with my H, if I could picture us being together and in love years from now. When I picture us together years from now, I see two unhappy people. I'm hoping that as I resolve my issues, that picture will change. I have decided not to make a decision about staying or leaving until I have a clearer idea of who I am and what I want. I'm giving it at least a year.

JillG...my story is similar in part to yours, except it was much shorter in duration. <BR>My H is a wonderful man, but I'm not certain about our future. I have spent so many years trying to connect with him and it's never happened. <P>The OM and I hit it off right from the start. We were extremely emotionally connected for several months before either of us knew what hit us. As it became more intense, I became overwhelmed with guilt and after one intense physical evening, I tried to step away from him. That didn't work for very long. We were so close that we couldn't stay away. We agreed to end the physical and just be friends, but it lasted for only a few months before both of us were so dazed and confused. All of this to say, I finally ended it a month ago. It's been awful. He was a deeply passionate friend who I miss a great deal. We still run into each other sometimes, but it's very casual now. We don't know how to act. How sad, but we both decided our marriages were too important to walk away from. <P>Truthseeker...how are you doing with your decision? I understand how you feel, I feel that way at times myself. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited June 14, 2000).]