<BR>I've been struggling with this matter for several days I can't come to a firm decision.<BR>After some period of vascilation with H over return of OW (he has had an off and on relationship with her for five years) from another state and his determination to see her while still living at home, I refused to allow H to return home after one of his 3 or 4 day long sojourns with her, telling him (without too much LBing)that he could come home when he was really through with her.<P>Ok, so the word then was she was returning to her H in another state (supposably yesterday). H has not been with her since I told him he could not come back. Today he tells me she has postponed return to H but that she was arrested for 'family violence'<BR>at the place she is staying and had left a message at the office to come and get her out. He called but she was already out.<P>This is my question. Previous experience has shown me that these breakups are temporary and she will be calling again and he will go running off. Should I encourage his limited attempts to back off from her or should I just let things ride. This sounds incredible but I feel sorry for him at these times as he seems so lost. But I feel like I'm being drawn back in and am trying to backpedal as fast as possible. <P>My resolve to continue our separation is still very strong. At times I wonder if I want him back at all. I need some words of wisdom to strengthen my backbone.<P><BR>Buffy

"At times I am wondering if I want him back at all....." <P>Uh Oh,,, watch out - Buffy is losing her love - I think?<P>Okay Buffy, how long have you been in plan a? er uh, How long have you been doing a GOOD plan A, (no lovebusters)<P>Long enough that your husband has really good memories if you end all your contact? That is the real question. If you think your plan A was so good that when he loses contact with you that he will suffer when she is forced to meet all of his needs, or if you think that you are really losing your love for your husband - then I would think about B.<P>I know, the experts will say not to go to B because you think it may help end the affair. I'm saying not to go to B to end the affair, yes to protect your love for him, but - I am saying to ask that question of yourself to gauge how good of a plan A have you done so far.<P>anxious to hear what you have decided.<BR>tnt

TNT:<P>Can only say I've been in Plan A about a month, since I came to this board and to tell you the truth I don't think I have done too good a job at Plan A. Since he's been gone and not running in an out, I have managed to be pleasant but that's about all.<P>Since we have a business together that is in bad financial shape due to his ignoring it while he ran off with OW, Plan B would be impossible and I don't feel I have laid enough foundation for same. On the flip side, we do spend six to eight hours together every weekday, which drives her insane and gives me plenty of time to Plan A.<P>I feel however that during his periods of separation from OW he comes out of his fog alittle and perhaps I should attempt to encourage him in his efforts (if it is an effort at all...so hard to tell).<P>My instinct tells me to stay distinct and not get involved because it may get me hurt again. But some of Harley's methods run counter to my natural instincts and I don't want to make a mistake.<P>As for losing my love, after 30 years I don't think that's possible no matter what he puts me through. I think it is just that it has been so much easier to live my live without all the turmoil and I'm cautious about letting him back in. <P>Buffy<P><BR>

Well, H called me tonight to tell me OW is going home on Saturday...said he thought it was for the best that I didn't let him come home because he is not very strong where she is concerned and he knows he's hurting me.<P>Lord, give me strength...pushing all the right buttons...what to do.<P>Buffy

Dear Buffy,<P>I went to a Christian Day School, and I remember my 1st grade teacher. She was retired, wore those lace up black shoes, beautiful white spun hair - and I thought she knew everything. She seemed so wise.<P>She said "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." and, she said "Pray without ceasing." <P>I understood that at my young age. Although I have a hard time always following her advice, her advice is good.<P>A pastor once said this: When you come to a 4 way stop, and don't know which way to go, park.<P>Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A<P>On the goal, on the goal, on the goal, on the goal.<P>hugs ~ TNT

TNT:<P>You're right, I just think hope is a hard thing to suppress. Today it's obvious that he is back with her again. Things of hers are missing from his car that were there yesterday and he is withdrawn again. <P>I guess I just needed someone to reaffirm what I already thought I should do. I will continue to Plan A. But facing the indifference and coldness is hard, especially when he is back with her after a fight. I guess it's honeymoon time again and I need to just accept that. <P>I do think a positive Plan A is needed and will try to impliment that starting today.<P>Thanks so much for your advise.<P>Buffy<P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 08, 2000).]

Hi Buffy,<P>Good Lord, five years? I had no idea. How have you managed to stay so sane? <P>I must have missed somewhere in this thread that H and OW had a fight, or was that just an assumption on your part because she went back to her H?<P>It's a good sign that your H is cognizant enough to know he's hurting you if you were to let him return home. Don't you think?<P>I had a session with Steve Harley on Monday morning. He sd we all need a plan, without it we'll languish to long in the same place and not make any progress, we'll also not "realize" any progress which is most important.<P>So Buffy, do you have a plan? I still don't but I'm putting a pseudo one together in my head, one where I have contingencies because I know there will be monkey wrenches all over the place. That's what I think you should do, put together a Plan.<P>Your patience and love for your H goes very deep. I'm praying that you'll be effective in your Plan A and the OW will go back to her H where she belongs, and hopefully it's far enough away for you and H to be in successful recovery.<P>These two ppl, H & OW, must be so conflicted and consfused all the time, its a wonder they can function in every day life like this for 5 years, not to mention the spouses and children their hurting.<P>Good luck with your Plan A. Please keep posting so I know how it's going.<P>Many Prayers Buffy.<P>Jo

Jo:<P>It's five years as the crow flies, but they've really only been together as a couple for what amount to a total of six or seven months in that whole time. The rest of the time he's been with me except for about 3 months when I wouldn't let him come home (until he had heart surgery and he had nowhere else to go).<BR> <BR>During that time she has been in jail for a year, married 2 more times, divorced, and then living 1000 miles away for 2 and 1/2 years. The thing that keeps her in our lives is that she has children here living with her ex-husband (the court gave the kids to ex because she was unfit). She would like to get her kids back and I think she feels my H is the answer but it just never works out, but she keeps trying everytime she comes back to visit her kids. And he is hopeless about her...thinks she is the greatest thing in life...but he's not willing to divorce me and marry her.<P>I know they have been fighting because he has come to work...when they don't fight he doesn't work. But you see, I'm at work and that's why she won't let him come. <P>The comment about 'hurting' me is just a ploy on his part to keep his oar in the water for when he's ready to come home again. It's button pushing. <P>I probably do need to prepare some kind of definite plan...but how do you start? Trying to satisfy his ENs seems like a good place...but I know what those are...more sex and more admiration...those are hard ones when you wouldn't touch him with a seven-foot pole because he's been with OW and his admirable qualities are somewhat lacking. Do you pretend? Not good at pretending...so I just try to be nice and not LB. I cannot imagine myself coming on to him or trying to be physical with him and he certainly doesn't start anything (for fear of rejection probably). So here I am, just sorta waiting to see what happens. I'd love to be doing something..but what? Any suggestions?<P>Buffy<P>

This OW in a five year period has been married twice, spent one year in jail, gotten involved with your H, and she's trying to get her children back from a previous marriage????? Geez Louise. The first thing that popped into my head about what you should do is to get a big iron skillet and hit your H over the head! Kidding, of course. Your H seems to have taken leave of his senses! It can't possibly last. You'll probably be a lot more interested in taking him back when he manages to restore his senses.

Well, LonesomeHeart, after today I'm thinking seriously about using that frying pan (not that I think it would do any good).<BR>See my new post "I Told Him I Hated Him..." on this board for details.<P>Buffy