I'm editing this because of lack of response and I don't think I was very clear. Things are still desperate and urgent and I need help.<P>My friend is an OW and is at the end of a very frayed rope. We had a three hour talkfest last nite. When I brought her back to car I thought she was going home and was alright. Later her H called me asking if she was with me still. Long story short, found her parked at the edge of a cliff looking over town, despondant.<P>I was asked by her H to have no further contact with her (I've been her support person. The A was with my H)as it's prolonging her bond with him. They work together! But I'm afraid after last nite somehow contact with me is doing her more harm than good, so I have to agree with her H's wishes. She doesn't love her H. She doesn't care what happens to her. She feels like a non-person. She believes my H is her soulmate and that life is not worth living for anymore (my H and I are in recovery). She has 2 small boys but is so depressed she feels like she's not being a mother to them anymore. She's on the verge of being fired since she's no longer effective at her job. <BR>She stopped seeing her counselor and has refused to be put on meds.<P>I'd like to e-mail her a post from here in one last attempt to let her know she's not alone. Not from me--she's shut me out now I think--but from others who have been in her position.<P>Please give her whatever encouragement, help, words of wisdom you can, directly to her (she refers to herself as "Empty" so I think she'd understand if you call her that).<BR>She really doesn't care what happens to herself at this point. I wish I could change the title of this post to life or death--I can't believe the lack of response I'm getting. Where is everybody? Please help her.<P>Mahalo,<BR>Leilana<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited June 07, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited June 07, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited June 07, 2000).]

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Leilana:<P>I haven't read any of your other posts, I'm afraid, so I don't know the entire story, but I read the desperation in your post here and wanted to respond, even though I am one of the betrayed, not a betrayer. (Perhaps that plea in your title is making people skip over it?)<P>It is good of you to want to help your friend, but it sounds as though the situation you all are in is making her respond to you in a less than positive manner. I think you're making the right decision to try to stay away from her for a while, as long as you think that someone else (perhaps her husband or a counselor if she isn't willing to talk to her H) can step in.<P>What would I tell her? I would wait for her to ask me for advice, but I would let her know that she is not all alone. Here goes...<P>{{Empty}}:<P>I am so sorry to hear of your pain. You are in a tough spot just now, but things will get better for you. You are not alone. Your little boys love you and want to be with you. Your friends and your family love you and care for you. Hold on tight and look inside and see the beautiful person you are. Peace to you. --HBC<P>Good luck, Leilana. --HBC

Leilana: Obviously you are aware of the fact that I am also not a betrayer. However, I too read the desperation in your post...and want to help...but am not quite sure if doing this will have the desired result that you are hoping for.<P>Is it possible that the OW is feeling more guilty because she is realizing what a GOOD and LOVING person you are....and possibly how this makes her feel even more like a "heal"?....how this "seals the deal" for her so-to-speak...how could she possibly hope to ever get YOUR H back when he has such a loving, understanding, supportive wife? Or, possibly, how could she have been the person to cause YOU and YOUR family so much pain?--let alone her own family? That she knows in her head that she was so wrong, yet still feels in her heart that she "deserves" your H? I'm sure she is more than confused by your intentions.....she may even view it as you trying to "push your own good fortune in her face"...or maybe she feels that you pity her? <P>I believe HER H needs to be the one concerned about her...and I hope I don't hurt your feelings...but, I believe you need to give her the space she needs.<P>Sending her e-mails may only send her spiraling further downward.....she's having a hard enough time dealing with the loss of your H...and now, she's probably having a hard time understanding how you could possibly have her best interests at heart--how you could be so kind to her? And what your true intention could be? (BTW, I understand what you ARE HOPING FOR!)--possibly mistaking your thoughtful actions as an attempt to "educate" her on how wrong her affair was...or "prove" to her that your H is well over his feelings for her and that she simply needs to "take a pill" or get counseling to "get over it"....<P>Again, I don't mean to be harsh...just an insight into what she may be feeling regarding your intentions. Funny thing how our minds can play tricks on us.... <P>Perhaps you can post a prayer request?...if you have not already done do?<P>Peace to you and know that I'm praying too. ~Marie

Marie is right Leilana,<P>When you think the W is a bad person it is very easy to justify the affair. But when you meet her and she's really a very nice person, it makes you feel disgusting at best suicidal at worse.<P>You come to realize that you were willing to give up everything for a man who had no intention of leaving such a good woman.<P>I dealt with it by blaming the OM for being a scumbag to his wife. But your friend cant do that because you are supporting the cheater in front of her. Here she is, faced with the fact that she interfered in a good marriage. That she is the damned one with no sense or morals.<P>What her family need to do is transfer the situation so that your H is the OM in their lives. He messed up their family. He should be blamed. She can't do that with you there. Sorry.

Leilana: Was having second thoughts about sending an e-mail after all, but after reading Guilty1's post, I think I'll stand by my original post. Best to leave well enough alone. Best of Luck, ~Marie<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited June 08, 2000).]

Leilana, is it possible that the OW is using you to prolong the contact with your H, even if it is vicariously? Affairs with co-workers are terribly hard to overcome and I get a bad vibe for your situation reading your post.<P>If her H has asked you to have no more contact, I think you should respect that. If you are in recovery, neither you or your H should be having contact with the OP. I admire that you want to help, but I don't see anything but pain ahead in this situation. You aren't taking into account how painful the addiction to the OP is...your H is knowing you are with her, hearing about her through you, you are keeping that relationship alive.<P>And I am both betrayed and betrayer. I wouldn't be friends with my H's OW for all the tea in China...and I wouldn't appreciate my H & my OM becoming buddies either.<P>This woman is making decisions for her life, ie, she refuses to see a counselor, she refuses meds--those are her decisions Leilana, you and your H are not responsible for what she does with her life. If she is truly suicidal, she should be admitted to the psych ward to receive the care she needs or go under the care of a professional. You don't owe this woman anything.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

For a lady,<P>You don't know me and I don't know you, but I've heard about you.<P>You loved someone very much and now he's gone. You have a family waiting for you but you don't want to come home. You're hurt, confused, ashamed, and feel like a fool.<BR>At least that's the way I felt when in that situation.<P>You don't want to take medication in part because of the side effect but mainly because you don't want to feel better. You "have it coming". But you don't. <P>Anyone can fall in love, that is biology, chemistry. It is not your fault that you loved someone else. He had to love you back too. If he didn't none of this would have ever happened. He did love you, but he can't love you. You need to go home to the family that can and does love you. They need you. With them.<P>The hurt and shame is forgiven they just want you back. Your kids need a mommy. You husband needs a wife. He loves you. Please. Go home to them.<P>The hurt wont go away, but in time it will dull. And your family's love will grow. Things will be different, better, because they realize how important you are in there lives and they don't want to lose you ever again. <P>They love you.

Leilana,<P>I will pray for your H OW.<P>Lord, God, please see the emptiness in her heart. Father, she was looking for someone to fill that empty spot in her heart, and Lord, we know that empty spot is something only you can fill. Father, keep her safe, and bring her to the full love that you have for her through your son. In Jesus Name. Amen

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Guilty1:<BR><B>For a lady,<P>You don't know me and I don't know you, but I've heard about you.<P>You loved someone very much and now he's gone. You have a family waiting for you but you don't want to come home. You're hurt, confused, ashamed, and feel like a fool.<BR>At least that's the way I felt when in that situation.<P>You don't want to take medication in part because of the side effect but mainly because you don't want to feel better. You "have it coming". But you don't. <P>Anyone can fall in love, that is biology, chemistry. It is not your fault that you loved someone else. He had to love you back too. If he didn't none of this would have ever happened. He did love you, but he can't love you. You need to go home to the family that can and does love you. They need you. With them.<P>The hurt and shame is forgiven they just want you back. Your kids need a mommy. You husband needs a wife. He loves you. Please. Go home to them.<P>The hurt wont go away, but in time it will dull. And your family's love will grow. Things will be different, better, because they realize how important you are in there lives and they don't want to lose you ever again. <P>They love you. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> Empty, Guilty 1 is right u have love waiting for you at home. You have a choice give up now or decied to try to reclime a life for yourself. Please take your meds, go to a therapiest. Do this for yourself first and then you can consider your next move. Heal yourself first. I am a betryer and I am working on me now and it is helping me reclaime my marriage. God bless you, GWM

Thank you all who reached out to her and for your prayers. I understand I should no longer have contact but just don't want her to feel she's all alone in this. There are strong issues as to why she cannot turn to her H and why he is not supportive. But that is not my story to tell. <P>I did tell her that last time we talked how to post here if she thought it would help her. I told her to look up what I've written if she was interested in the responses I was getting re: our situations.<BR>I can only hope she is doing so now. However, if she does contact me again, I will email her this and suggest she search "Notable posts/threads" for other stories to relate to. How does that sound?<P>Marie,<BR>Thank you. I am not hurt. But there are some things you stated about what I wish for and how she may see my intentions that she and I have EXTENSIVELY clarified with eachother. If she ever reads that post, she will also know it to not be our case. She has an amazing ability of never forgetting a single word I've said. Kept me honest!<BR>If I had a hidden agenda of getting her away from my H, I wouldn't be so worried about her losing her job (she's my H's co-worker)<P>Guilty 1: I'm glad you're here.<P>Lor: No contact means I won't contact her but my H and she have to write business memos to eachother, sometimes face to face, some meetings type of communication daily at work. They see eachothers' names, writing and pictures at work everywhere. Don't believe for a minute that I could possibly be soley responsible for keeping "the flame alive". But I agree with you and won't contact her myself.<P>TNT and Lost123: Bless you.<P>