Well, I've taken a step that I hope will show me that H is not interested in cheating again, and if he is, will give me concrete proof so that I can convince him that he must be totally honest with me. If he's still not willing to open up, I will go into Plan B.<P>I'm giving him a surprise birthday party tomorrow night, complete with stripper (down to bikini, only!). I've arranged with the stripper that she will "come on" to him and slip him a card with "her" cellphone number on it and an invitation to call her for a "free dance". In reality, the cellphone number is mine that I just set up, and I will have the cellphone, which has caller ID. No one else, other than the stripper, knows I have the cellphone, so any calls to it will <B>have</B> to be from H.<P>Yes, this is entrapment and not honest of me, but I am not convinced that my H thinks there is anything wrong with cheating. He dead out refuses to discuss anything about our marriage, other than to say that everything is fine and he's happy (so what else matters, right?); any mention of my feeling insecure and unloved makes him go ballistic.<P>I am just sick of this whole situation and tired of his dishonesty and attitude that he doesn't have to explain <B>anything</B> he does. The only times it seems that he tries to meet any of my needs are when I "withdraw" from him...the only way I can avoid lovebusting. I try not to act like anything but a loving wife, but sometimes I feel like I just can't, so other than being polite and nice, I just mostly have to back off from him a bit at those times. I've been in withdrawal mode for quite a while, and last night, we went out to eat, and then he asked me if I wanted to ride down to his hunting camp to check on the crops they had planted. After we checked on the crops, we sat out by the lake for a few minutes, just chatting, and he did rub my neck a little and put his arm around me as we walked back to his truck---the sort of thing that always reels me back in, only now, I find myself not expecting much more than that. On the way home, we stopped to see a friend's new home that is being built, and then came home. The TV went on, and that was it.<P>Sometimes, I wish TV had never been invented. H certainly loves TV--more than me, for sure. We watch what <B>he</B> wants to watch or else he just goes to bed, so I usually sit in the den with him--me on the loveseat and him in his recliner (which I also hate), watching whatever he wants to watch until he goes to sleep in the recliner.<BR>Meaningful conversation is not encouraged, lest he miss the sound of a gunshot on whatever shoot'em up he's watching. <P>OK, blast me for what I'm fixing to do, but I'm at my wits' end. I haven't LBed in a very long time, but things stay the same. I just decided that the only way to deal with this is by creating some conflict.

I do have mixed emotions about this type of set-up. But I can't say I haven't thought of something similar myself, but I didn't do it, maybe because internally I really didn't want to know. Just be sure that you are ready to handle it however it goes. Good Luck

<BR>I'm with trying2_4give on this. Never ask a question if you aren't prepared to hear the answer.<P>I guess on a different level, its sort of dubious to engage in deceitful behavior to catch someone else engaging in deceitful behavior - does the knowledge gained warrant sinking to their level? Only you can answer that. Good luck with whatever you decide.<P>Bystander

Doing something like this is very tempting. And I'm not going to say I haven't wanted to myself.<P>I'm just concerned, like the others, that you'll be fully prepared for the worse.<P>And I'm also thinking you should be very careful, what if it backfires and the Stripper tells him. Not good.<P><BR>Best of luck Sweetpea.<BR>Jo

Thanks for your responses. I despise having to sink to this level to get at the truth, but I have plan A'd for over 2 years now and H would be content to stay in this rut forever, so long as I'm meeting his needs and he feels like he can get by without telling me the whole truth. He refuses to understand that what I imagine is probably worse than the truth.<P>What do I believe? Well, I believe that my H's encounter with the STD Tramp after 16 years of marriage was not the first time he cheated. I think that he was cheating, probably with occasional one-night stands, as early as 3 years into our marriage, when I was pregnant with our 2nd child, because that is when his attitude first changed toward me.<P>There were other times when my antenna was raised, but I managed to convince myself that I was paranoid.<P>I believe that this last thing with the Cafe Woman was the most damaging, as I believe he was emotionally involved with her. For about 2 years, he was always talking about her...how she should run her business, stuff that was going on in her life, but I still managed to stifle my unease about her. In the meantime, he became colder and more hateful to me. Sometimes he looked at me as though he hated me. Even after I began to believe that he was having an affair, I still didn't pinpoint her as the OW. It was things she said to me and the way she and he both acted around each other <B>after</B> the initial confrontation of whether he was cheating that convinced me that she was the OW.<P>Even then, I was not saying a word about her to him; I was in wait and watch mode. The only person I confided in about this was my best friend. Her ex-H was the one who told my H of my suspicions of Cafe Woman.<P>BTW, my best friend recently moved, and guess what she found in a planter on the patio? You got it...a listening device that her ex apparently forgot. And, no, she wasn't the betrayer in her marriage; her H was a serial philanderer, and she got sick of it. After their divorce, he was seriously injured and she let him stay in her house because she is a nurse and he had no one else to look after him and he is, after all, the father of her children. As thanks, he bugged her house, repeatedly broke into her house and stalked her for nearly two years after he recovered and she made him move out. I promised that blankety-blank that his grave would be well fertilized!<P>If he hadn't interfered, I would probably have had the truth long before now.<P>And, yes, I am prepared to deal with whatever happens.<P>If H calls the cellphone number, I will confront him with the evidence. He will have two choices: either tell me the whole truth about <B>everything</B> (no protecting Cafe Woman), attend counseling with me and really work on our marriage, or I'm outta here.<P>If he chooses to tell me the truth, I will continue in Plan A. If not, I go to Plan B immediately. I'm already working on my Plan B letter, which will contain NO LBs!!

Sweetpea--<P>You've been thinking about this for awhile. I think you're ready to accept any consequences as a result of your ruse. You're a brave woman, and I personally applaud what you're going to do. (Doesn't mean it's right, mind you, but I admire the brilliant deviousness to get to good ole honesty!)<P>Good luck! Please let us know what happened as soon as you can!<P>Laura

I may be having a "senior moment" but I seem to recall an almost identical plan proposed here a while back. Why don't you check back Sweetpea and see what happened? Sorry I don't remember more.<P>You take care, like the Scouts, be prepared.

I just thinking the other day, whatever happened to that wild and crazy woman who was going to get a stripper for her husband and then find out if H hits on her? I'm so curious to hear what happens. It's a bold thing you're doing. Two years is a long time to be in plan a. It's not like we have 200 year life spans! If you have to beat the bushes to flush the truth out, then more power to you. A saying keeps running through my head -- be careful what you ask for, you might get it. You go girl. Be careful. I'll be thinkin' about ya.<BR>