Hello All,<P>A question arose from an earlier post wondering how the Betrayed will be able to manage anger and loss of respect of the WS if they do indeed return or straighten-up.<P>Plan A does include working on oneself but what about those undeniable residual bad feelings we're harboring?<P>Jo<BR>

Hi Resilient -<P>I don't know which earlier post you referred to so I can't use it for reference.....<P>In general, however....<P>As you stated - Plan A is for working on YOU!!! That includes processing your anger, judgements, hurt, pain, confusion......to a point of understanding and putting into perspective.<P>In a way - it is good to have a "separation" time for some of us from our spouses.....it gives us the room we need to work through these things without a constant focus on our spouse.<P>We who have this separation time should be taking full advantage of it, for it is truly easier than having to suppress LB's 24/7........<P>You will know how good of a Plan A you have TRULY done when you realize that you don't have any more anger....when you realize that losing respect for your spouse is a self-righteous judgement.<P>Your spouse is as confused, hurt, scared and angry as you are!!! Just in different ways.......for whatever reasons he has in his head...<P>His emotions are as legitimate as yours. The difference being the bad choice he has made.....well, we all make bad choices at times when we aren't thinking straight. It's not nice to hurt others, but he had no intent of that....just to end his search of fulfillment for a need he had. <P>Basically, he messed up and has to figure that out and then what to do about it. Your part is to decide if you're going to help him or not - You can't help him (and therefore yourself or the marriage) if you do not work through your emotions to get to a stronger place.<P>If you do, there is no harboring of anything!!!! There won't be anymore lack or respect and certainly no more anger......<P>Hope this helps...........<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

I think Plan A helps that to happen because how can you be feeling angry when you are constantly acting nice? How can you hold onto that when you are feeling the good things that come back to you by behaving in a loving way? So, it really does help the giver as well as the receiver of the behaviour.<P>I'm not saying that the feelings will go away if unaddressed, but it will make life more pleasant and help you to feel less threatened when you are ready to deal with them I think.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by popeye:<BR><B>I think Plan A helps that to happen because how can you be feeling angry when you are constantly acting nice? How can you hold onto that when you are feeling the good things that come back to you by behaving in a loving way? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I feel like I'm reading a mystery novel here, but I can't flip to the last chapter to get a sneak preview of how it ends. When I first came to this board, I had a hard time figuring out this plan a business. In my case, I'm not wayward and neither is my H. Meanwhile, my H does things that I don't understand, things that make me angry. <P>I think I have the same question as R. What keeps nagging the back of my mind is a bunch of what if's. What if I accomplish a good plan A and still find my H failing to meet my emotional needs? What if I manage to meet all his needs, and he doesn't meet (or care about) my needs? Who am I kidding... the real question is "when is it going to be MY turn for MY needs to be met?" It's a selfish question I know. <P>What do you think, Resilient? Are we wondering the same thing?<BR>

Resilient,<P>I think Sheba summed it up very nicely. The aim is to find peace and harmony; within oneself and within the marriage (and with the past). But I also think TIME plays a large part, time to get used to the changes, to adapt or make improvements. It takes time to work through the anger, betrayal and the lies. <P>If the WS does return or straighten-up, does this not signify a change in his/her character? Arn't they doing something for which we should respect them? Shouldn't we feel pride (and relief?) on their return? What if they never straighten-up or choose to return? How will we feel then? More anger and resentment? Maybe, or maybe our lives have had enough, and we move on after obtaining closure.<P>Just a few of my thoughts on this thread.<BR>Cheers,<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I><BR>

Here are my thoughts.....I think that EVENTUALLY we will and should work thru our anger, in any situation. Harboring negative feelings only hurts us and I think that's only healthy to work thru these. However, it's not wrong to be angry nor is it the anger that is the love buster...it's the EXPRESSION of it that may be a lb. <P>Also, we are assuming that when/if our spouse wants to return or "straighten up" that it will be in a way that we want it to be....that they will be repentant and sorry for what they did, and want to do anything to restore the marriage. That's not necessarily true. Our spouse may be "willing" to return and "work" on the relationship, but it may be NOTHING like what we have in mind. We can't assume that THEY have learned all about love busting, needs being met, etc. They probably haven't and they probably don't want to hear you telling them all about it. <P>And as far as respect goes, I believe respect is earned. I respect my H as my H. But as a person, he is acting in such a disrespectful way to me. Respect is something, like trust, that is earned. He deserves my respect as my H and I am learning how not to be disrespectful to him (i.e. talking bad about him while he's gone, or to his face, etc.). However, my true respect and trust, in my heart, will have to be earned by him. I will HAVE TO see repeated and willful actions on his part that will then allow me to truly respect him. And until I do respect him, the marriage won't truly be healed. It will take both of us to treat each other with respect and trust that we can rebuild it, to make it work.<P>I don't know if that makes sense, but I don't see Plan A as some big miracle that fixes all. It is a GREAT set of principles for any person in any relationship. But it's not a cure all.<P>Having those feelings....anger, disrespect, hurt...aren't wrong. It's how you handle it that may or may not be wrong. That to me is what Plan A is all about. Plan A is a way to respond in love and respect, while internally you are working thru the REALITY of how you feel and how you would like to respond. Eventually, the actions and the reality will become one...and that's wholeness and healing.<P>Hope this helps and I'm not putting anyone else's posts down.....this is just my opinion.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 13, 2000).]

I disagree with Sheba. My h and I have been reconciled for almost 2 years since he ended an ea. I have truly struggled with feelings that include but certainly are not limited to anger, resentment, disrespect, and distrust of judgment. If that sounds like I have sat in judgment of him, then so be it I have.<P>If I were 22 with no children, perhaps I could afford the luxury of CHOOSING total trust in this man who lacked the judgment and scruples of a 10 year old during his affair. Except for sex, he violated almost every standard of conduct he had always held dear. We have struggled together to understand how he could've so lost self control and self respect. Whatever faults I had (and they were legion), nothing justified the dishonor to ow, to me, and to himself.<P>Although we chose to work through it and come light years into recovery and are basically very happy, it is totally unrealistic and inhuman to say that the betrayed spouse will not feel hurt and angry. I believe that anyone who says they don't is living in denial.<P>Those of us in recovery need to acknowledge the human reactions that are natural and will come in response to the deception and betrayal. The recovering couple need to work on these feelings as well as the unmet needs that made the betraying spouse vulnerable to an affair. Although the betraying spouse was vulnerable, he/she chose to dishonor themselves and others by having an affair. The emotional damage resulting from that require conscious nurturing for mutual recovery. <P>After months of focus on improving myself and meeting my h's needs, after the crisis of the discovery of the ow, and after h returned home and recommitted to our relationship, I was caught totally by surprise by my recurring hurt and anger over his betrayal, dishonesty, and deceit. He recovered rather quickly and became a very happy h once ow was out of the picture. However, there were times when I would suddenly feel overwhelmed by negative passions. <P>While there remain a few unresolved issues, my h has sought to restore our marriage to the best of his capability, and time has been a great healer. These boards were a godsend in that as I read the posts of others in recovery, I came to understand that my feelings were "normal" and that my passing feelings of temporary insanity were also "normal" under these circumstances of intense emotional trauma.<P>Go into recovery with eyes wide open; each spouse should ask for understanding, compassion, and empathy from the other. Although recovery is hard, a healthy recovery is worth the struggle and is certainly better than the alternative. <BR>

wesse, not sure that you and Sheba aren't both right.<P>You can't choose total trust in anyone, especially after being betrayed.<P>You can choose to leave the past in the past. I was a victim the day I learned of the EAs, I make myself a victim every time I relive it. There was some good in grieving, feeling hurt, but the "looping" I struggled with was harmful to me. I had to literally distract myself, focus on other things.<P>I can choose to see that year and a half as temporary insanity, and see where I failed to meet his needs. That we are all weak, even though I would probably not have been guilty of this for my own reasons.<P>I think the real question is the state of our relationship now. It worked for me, to focus on meeting each other's needs and the feelings would heal. Now, he is regaining my trust through his actions.<P>Something about learning so much of these principles. There is no going back to let's do the best we can. I could not live a marriage again that was not based on Harley's rules: total honesty, POJA, time together, meeting needs/eliminating LBs.<P>I think recovery begins when both are committed to this.

How can a betrayed spouse continue in Plan A when the lack of respect and the anger have caused them to lose romantic love or love in general for their spouse.<P>It seems to me that Plan A tells us we must act with love even though we feel anger so that our spouse will feel love even though they currently feel none and hopefully will start returning love (whether felt or unfelt) which in turn will hopefully allow us to feel love again and overcome the hurt and anger.<P>Where is the Honesty in all of that. I have basically been pretending for 2 years. I have been doing what I have learned I should do in order to hopefully rebuild my lovebank and to begin feeling love for my H, but after 2 years there is still nothing but lack of respect and anger.<P>He has been trying, but it is not working.