Told him I hated him. Is that a Love Buster? <P>Yes, today was not a good day. Yesterday I had just gotten back to the office from the doctor and H advised me that OW was coming to the office to call her husband about getting money to pay her fine for getting thrown in jail last week.<P>So I'm sitting there and he says when she comes he'll just take her back to his office to make the call. You'll what!!!! Do you think I'm going to sit here while she parades back to your office!!! No Way.<BR>(Didn't say this out loud) I left, but thought this is incredible...now I'm having to leave my own office to accomodate the OW.<P>Today, there were two calls from her husband re the money for the fine; two calls from her; two calls from her children (seems this is the only contact they have with her); meanwhile H calls court clerk re getting fine amount, prepares paperwork and mails fine. (Did he get anything else done all day..well, he read some information about getting stopped by the police..because he's been stopped four times in the last 2 weeks) I'm sitting in the middle..my head spinning increduously. Now she has me answering the phone for her. By 5:00 o'clock I have had it. Maybe nothing could have stopped this LB...and boy did I let him have it...bet his ears are still burning.<P>And you know what. I'm not sorry. There are limit beyond which I will not go. I have not LB in almost 3 weeks...guess I had a big one coming. <P>I know, I know, starting over. And I don't really feel any better, just upset with myself for letting go...I'm usually a very controlled calm person..nothing ever ruffles me...and getting that upset really affects me. <P>I recently told my H he could not come home until he was completely through with OW because having him at home was causing such havoc with her calling and coming to get him (for emergencies) in the middle of the night.<P>Now I need to protect myself at the office. My office is a place where I work too and I cannot have OW continuously interupting work with her nonsence. So I decided to tell my H that when and if she calls I will get up and leave the office (which will severely limit the amount of work that is done there I assure you). Probably have to follow through with this but see no other way.<P>Is this going too far? Any other suggestions on how to handle this? It's driving me crazy.<P>Buffy<P><BR> <P> <P><BR>

I don't think it is going too far. Your being asked to put up with way too much.<P>It sounds like your OW is deliberately doing things to test her mastery over the situation. Sounds like she is turned on by the power. She's sick.

buffy,<P>Plan A requires <BR><B>P</B>atience...<BR><B>T</B>ime... and<BR><B>C</B>onsistency!<P>If you are losing all three...<BR>...and along with that your love is falling away too fast....<P>...do consider Plan B...<BR>...a <B>real</B> Plan B... (NO CONTACT with your spouse)...<P>I'd say draft a Plan B "love" letter...<BR>...you don't have to give it to him right away<BR>...but it gets you "thinking" of how to do a Plan B... a <B>true</B> Plan B.<BR>...and maybe you'll realize... you can't do it yet!<BR>...that's OK too!<P>Do check out my old <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<BR>BTW: I'm going to resurrect them to the "non-read-only" Plan A/Plan B forum so people can add more thoughts to them!<P>As far as Plan B letters are concerned... check out...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000098.html" TARGET=_blank>Help with Plan B letter (from Hi Infidelity)</A> <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000032.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan-B Letter; The final cut...(from WilliamJ)</A> and...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> for some more links to older ones.<P>It is always best to stay in Plan A for as long as possible...<BR>...if you know what a <B>true</B> Plan B takes...<BR>...it could help <B>you</B> to decide whether it's time or not.<P> <P>Jim

Yeah Buffy...I've been there, back to square one.<P>But you know what may happen, since you've been so good in Plan A for 3 weeks, your H may realize he pushed too far and see why you "spouted off". The same thing happened to me and I thought oh great I've lost him for good now, then the next day he called me and apologized, said he knew it was too much to take. I was shocked, but happy.<P>We all do it, it's just human reaction to want to protect ourselves. It's not natural to let ourselves be abused without putting up some kind of defense. Sometimes Plan A feels like we're going against the grain.<P>Just collect your thoughts, get a bead on your goal again and continue Plan A. Unless you think you're ready for Plan B.<P>As far as walking out if she shows or calls, I can't think of any other solution. It's too tense and stressful to expect anyone to put up with it. I certainly couldn't. She's a real B*tch for doing this, she knows how it affects you. <P>Is this a business owned by you and H where you work? If not, wish you could find another job to avoid her antics, any possibility?<P>Jo

Oh I think we all can relate to your current LB'ing . At one point in my H's affair he was hanging with us his family till 9pm then hopping out the door to be with OW till 2-4 am every night. I tried to hang tough but it was so hard to not let my hurt BUST through. I say way to go.....he had to know its way to much to have a affair and then RUB it in your face. Its cruel.<BR>In mY case i told H he had till 11pm to pick a woman. He chose the OW and I was left alone. Within 2 days he was crawling back beging to be with me and cutting off all contact with OW. I think sometimes we need to stop being a victum and just put our foots down adn end the HURT.<P>Confusedwife

Hello Buffy,<P>It is a lovebuster, but I would think that nearly every betrayed partner has said the same thing at one time or another. My husband confessed his affair about 8 1/2 months ago, and in those first few horrible days I said a lot of hurtful things out of the pain I was feeling. The only thing I ever apologized for saying was that I hated him. I regretted it within five seconds of saying it. <P>So I went to him and apologized for telling him that I hated him, and I told him that what I really should have said was that I hated what he had done.<P>The damage is not irrepairable. If you didn't mean it, say so. If you did mean it, follow NSR's advice. But don't beat yourself up for saying it. We've all been there.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>Told him I hated him. Is that a Love Buster? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ok, this is a hard one.... let me think... um... Yes! My final answer is yes! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Now she has me answering the phone for her. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Buffy, maybe there's people here who could have avoided LBing, but I'm not one of them! (I found MB two months ago. I'd need LOTS more time to reach the point of not LBing in the situation you described.) Get the iron skillet and beat them both over the head! LOL<P>Seriously though, your H is so completely lacking any common decency by bringing OW to your place of business where you both (are supposed to) work. Then you take messages for OW????? No way Jose. That's too much. <P>Maybe some wiser people here can explain how to set limits without LBing. I would have blown my stack too. <BR>

Ok, lets start again. One, nothing I will ever do will make my husband leave me for OW. If I know anything it is that this is just a temporary thing (while she's here)...she has been around for five years and he still says never wants divorce...so I could probably LB all I wanted and it wouldn't change anything.<P>Two, for me it's time for this to end. I don't want to play anymore...the problem is getting him to realize that. I'm afraid all I've shown him is that I'm willing to let him play around when he gets ready and then come back to me when it's over for a while.<P>So this Plan A really is for me. I've come to this MB site late in this situation and have discovered that alot of emotional needs need to be address on both our parts in order for this marriage to survive. I have been content to let him work out his relationship with OW while trying not to LB.<BR>Meanwhile I have been trying to read the material available on this site and take advantage of the wonderful insight of some of its members.<P>No, I don't hate him, and I opolgized to him shortly after I said that. I see him as a very mixed up person and in many ways I feel sorry for him that he can has to stoop so low to find admiration. <P>His insensitivity and willingness to do everything OW wants him to do are what make me angry at him. Where's his backbone...everyone need to have a place where they draw the line, and I consider that line to be where someone begins to hurt someone you love. And if he doesn't then I will draw the line. OW means nothing to me and nothing about her is important to me. If he can't stop her then I will.<P>Popeye...Yes, I think she is very manipulative and very jealous of me and the hours that we spend together at work. If she can't get him to stay with her then she tried to disrupt his work.<P>NSR...I did read over the Plan B material again and if worse comes to worse I am prepared to go to Plan B. This will be very drastic because it will mean our business will probably fail. But I think I will remain in Plan A for a while until I get a firmer foundation.<P>Josey..He kept saying "I know, I'm a bas***d" when I ranted at him on Friday and he acknowledged how calm I had been about the situation in the last few weeks. The business is ours and we both share responsibility for it. Either of our leaving would probably cause it to fail.<BR>I realize now that he probably didn't even know what it was all about on Friday. The LBing was general stuff. I will have to discuss it with him when we are calmer.<P>Confusedwife...Yes, I know that situation well. They were driving me crazy at home, so I had to ask him to leave. At least your H had the sense to know where he was better off and come home.<P>Peppermint...Hated what he was doing, hated that he is so weak, hated OW (Oh, Yes), hated the lies, hated that he threw away 30 years...yes, I hated all those things, but I can never hate him. He is a part of me and always will be, whether he is with me or apart. And he doesn't realize it now but I'm a part of him and always will be....love is not that easy to throw away..because it involves ripping out a part of yourself and discarding it..you can do it but it damages you too, sometimes beyond repair.<P>LonesomeHeart...Gee, this not LBing is hard. You don't get to have any clever retorts and they are allowed to say or do anything they want to hurt you. Maybe the Plan A God will give me a special dispensation just this one time. Setting limits without showing anger in stressful situation is hard, but I guess it's possible, I just need more practice. <P>Thanks for all your help. I'll be gone out of town Monday and Tuesday but I intend to settle this matter of her and the office on Wednesday (Wedding Anniversay is the 14th, too).<BR> <BR>Wish me luck.<P>Buffy<P> <BR> <P><BR>