As I read through all of the threads, I often wonder if we are all doing as good a job as we think we are doing or if we just can't see our own faults? I know that I have learned a lot of things over the past 5 months and during my h affair I was a very demanding, whiny cry baby. During all of that time, I never once thought any of the problem was mine. All of the problems were all his! Of course, I did not know that he was "in love" with one of my best friends and looking for reasons not to like me. My demands were definitely giving him lots of "reasons" to continue on with her no demands. How do we see what we are doing as destructive while we are doing it instead of just in hind sight? I really could not bear to go through this thing again. Yes, I realize that the affair was not "my fault". H made the bad choices, but the door was open for him to do so. Any thoughts would be greatly welcome. Yes, my h is a conflict avoider, so I really have to guess when I am doing something wrong.

Derby - Well, I happen to think we are all pretty wonderful! But that said, I have realized that I have a self-righteous streak and before all this never really took my H's suggestions/concerns to heart. I was always right in my mind - and even if I didn't always say this to H, I know I acted this way. And it made him feel inadequate and un-needed over the long term. My H also avoids conflict - the only thing that seems to work is really encouraging him when he does speak up and acting on his suggestions/concerns - rather than discounting them as I did for so long. I'm rambling Derby...don't know if any of this helps but I do feel your H needs to know how important it is to tell you his feelings - and in turn you need to be ready to really listen and try to negotiate with him...<P>Take care<BR>Starpony

Interesting question, because after the dust settled, post affair, my H told me it had nothing to do with me, that I was a great wife. This after the first words that came out of his mouth when I discovered was "Well you KNOW I always had questions about this marriage?"<P>Excuse me, didn't know that.<P>So although I felt 50% accountable for the vunerability, I had always maintained 100% unaccountable for his individual action of having an affair. Now he doesn't even want me to take my 50% of the vunerability.<P>I was/am a great wife. Always loved him, always meant, at least, to put his needs first. I was not jealous. I did not nag. I was supportive about his career and his schooling. I am a good mom. I manage his home and financial affairs. I'm far from perfect, but really I am a pretty good wife.<P>However, my weaknesses were putting the family unit first and not seperating our relationship out of that unit enough. I corrected this.<P>I also did a great job of meeting what would have been my own needs, meaning I met the needs I would have wanted met instead of meeting the needs HE had. I'm better at knowing the difference.<P>Since he doesn't communicate much, I made the huge mistake of telling him what he felt or interpreting what he meant instead of really listening. However, as nutty as his thinking still is to me at times, I do not discount it. I clarify, consider and most of the time accept. I have given up the idea I can change how he thinks.<P>We are both conflict avoiders and now if there is something that really needs resolution, I will deal with it head on. He usually tries to run from it once, but when I say this is how we used to do things, but now we are going to solve problems instead, he comes around and we calmly work out our differences.<P>Looking in from the outside, our marriage must look the same, but there has been significant paradigm shifts that have changed the dynamics of our relationship for the better.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

No faults here.<P>I WISH!!!! Let's see...anger, control, too smart for my own good, uh, did I mention anger and control yet?<P>After a year and a half of working on myself I am a much kinder, gentler, more thoughtful Lor, but I can revert in 2 seconds if my buttons are pushed just right by my H.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Derby,<P>Sounds like everyone is pretty much saying the same thing - it all comes down to communication. Like Faith, & her H, my H is the father of all conflict avoiders and I do a pretty good job at it too. If we don't know it's broke, we can't fix it. <P>You're right we can't read their minds (and sometimes, we don't have much to work with anyway!). <P>So, in our situation, I'm thinking that we won't ever be able to recover unless we BOTH fully commit to eliminating the communication block. And, I think this directly ties into honesty. If you can't be totally honest, then you won't be able to communicate. At least, in the way necessary to sustain a marriage. Sounds like it all goes back to the basic Harley principles, doesn't it???

Although I have to say my H agrees to working on things in principle, I have had to lead the way. I am know the communication police and that's OK.<P>So although one of you can not refuse to communicate or be honest, I think one of you can make a big difference.<P>If that were not true, I'd still be in hot water.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13