Dear ex-OM,<P>Hummingbird wrote a docile, nice letter to her ex-OM which (I couldn't help it!) ... reminded me of you. <BR>This gave me the idea that I could write a letter to YOU, too.<P>As I begin to write it, I already know that my letter won't be as docile and nice as Hummingbird's. I hope I won't offend anyone; it isn't my intention to offend, but to get rid of the pictures of you, my dear ex-OM. <P>The images of your face, the old films in my head, these are still there, and they still maraud my soul ever so often. They still have the power to withhold love from my good husband, and they still make me blush with shame and guilt. So let me address you virtually, my dear ex-OM. Let me write down all those things which I know and think about you. Let me finally speak about the things which I did not want to see while I loved you ...<P>In a way, I sure would like to send this letter to you, my ex-"soulmate", my former "friend" .... But, I'll abstain, because it wouldn't be good for either of us to converse with one another. Also, your poor sensitive soul could not take a little bit of sarcasm, yes? My letter would be too harmful to your delicate little male psyche, thus delaying the gradual recovery of same from totally undeserved, unfair and unnecessary *female b**ching* (as put forth by various, undeservedly unfair, and unnecessarily b**chy, female sources: <P>There's Alicia*, your ex-wife, the mother of your children, whom you divorced after 14 years of marriage, never giving her any chance whatsoever. For well over two years, you constantly lied to her regarding your relationship with me, making her believe that her justified suspicions were "paranoid". You basked in my silly "support" regarding your personal unhappiness (may God forgive me!), while coldly turning down all her helpless attempts at improving your marriage. You would not accept counselling. You would not engage in any recreational activities with her. You would, speechlessly, turn your back on her when she shouted at you in despair. She would set her hopes on a lovely dinner in a restaurant which might break the ice, but before going out with her, you would write to me: "I have no choice: It's either dinner with Alicia, or dinner with Alicia." <P>There's your ex-bedbunny, Ellen*, the lady whom you started dating when your got fed up of me, giving up hope that I would leave my husband for you. You didn't really like Ellen*, but she sure was better than nothing for a while. Of course you dumped her - but only after you had firmly established a new relationship with her successor, Kelly*, who may now become your new wife (?). A few weeks of dating these two live ladies simultaneously, while writing at least to me, but perhaps also to other Internet dates,... oh, that must have been awkward and exhausting for a conscientious man like you ... !<P>There's Kelly*, now your fiancée, whom you will perhaps (?) even marry. I bet that you did not tell her that you were still sleeping with Ellen* when you began dating her. I bet that you did not tell her that you had not even sent me a good-bye letter when you dated her, either. I bet you did not tell her that, even AFTER your engagement to her, you wrote me a letter in which you explained that you "realized you could never have me", but that you "needed to be with someone" (yes, you wrote "SOMEONE", not "Kelly".) I bet she doesn't know that, whenever you mentioned her to me, you NEVER EVEN ONCE used the word "love" ... I bet you also did not tell her that you discreetly informed me when you would next be in Europe, in a place which is not far from where I live (I might have changed my mind about staying with my husband in the meantime, mightn't I?!). I bet you did not tell her so many other things ...! I bet you are going to build your new marriage on a huge heap of lies, just like our relationship was built on lies, and just like your other relationships are built on lies. <P>There are your ex-friends, the people whom you allegedly liked at the time you conversed with me. Now that Kelly* might get a better job somewhere, you will move to another state with her, leaving your friends, your siblings and your children behind. So what? You told me that your new marriage was still "a good deal" (again, I am quoting you).<P>There are your ex-children. As could have been expected, your teenage girls were disappointed in you when you left their mother a year ago. However, tentative visits had just started, and there was indeed hope that you might rebuild a trustful relationship with them, when you confronted them with your engagement to Kelly* -- two weeks after your divorce. Since your engagement, your weekends have been organised by Kelly* (who also has a child from a previous marriage). You ignored all warnings regarding your inconsiderate approach towards your children, but ruthlessly pursued your own interests. When your children withdrew from you, you decided that that was their problem. Now you're free to move to another state, it's really their fault if they don't love you enough. Yes?<P>Yes, all these women really cause(d) problems in your life. Why all this *b**hing*?<BR>And I haven't even talked about my husband and me yet. :-))<P>Here's my husband:<BR>You called him "your friend". You said that you respected him.You went to the pub with him, drank with him and conversed with him. I still wonder how you felt then?!<P>Here's me: <BR>I was the foreign, long-distance-relationship, occasional visit, email-pawn of your midlife crisis. You enjoyed my support and my (non-physical) friendship whilst getting divorced from your elderly wife, whose unfortunate weight problem, snoring, in fact whose simple *presence* did not fill your heart with the amount of joy which you feel life simply owes you. Whining about your life on a daily basis then, but being too cowardly to make up your mind fast (and on your own), you heavily relied on me *for three years*, during which I must have written a whole library of letters. -- After the divorce, you dropped me like a hot potato. <P>After your divorce, you needed "someone real" (to be with, and, of course, to scr... !). There was no more need for a secret relationship, because you did not have a wife any more who might find out about a real friendship. Now you wanted to "go on in life", and that meant that you sure didn't feel like listening to any whining, such as mine. You argued that you wouldn't have the *time* which you'd need to spend on *this correspondence* with me... well poor you ... you just couldn't *afford* to keep it up. I guess the rate of return just wasn't promising enough any more, so why should you *invest* your *emotional capital* in the continuation of this friendship, if **YOU** couldn't *prosper* enough from it any more?! ...<P>Well, my good luck. :-)<BR>I'll admit that it was very hard for me to say good-bye to you. Like all emotional abusers, you bind people very strongly to yourself (otherwise, you could not rule them through withdrawal of affection. Coldness and indifference have always been your favorite weapons). Nonetheless, initially, I missed you so much ...<P>Then I slowly started breathing the fresh air of freedom. You know, dear ex-OM, the air of freedom has a taste of peppermint and spring to it, the feeling of sunshine and sea waves, the melody of a merry dance and the soft flute tunes of hope ... What a contrast to the foul smell of manipulation, excuses, two-facedness, falseness, shallowness, dependency and greed which prevailed (and prevail) in your realm ...! <P>Or, have I perhaps "lost" something? For the sake of those readers who still miss their OM's, let me go on a little fantasy trip, one that looks a little bit like my past relationship, and like its possible future which never happened!<P>Imagine .... supposing I *ignored* my future hunting chances for ***The One True Love*** among all those OTHER wonderful American males around the 50 who dream of dumping their wives, while yet wishing to be admired by younger candidates for the job of "person by my side". Let me think this through ...<P>Just imagine, neither a Tom, nor a [censored], nor a Harry, not even a type like Bill Clinton, would ever say to me (again) (maybe for half a year, maybe for one year, maybe for two years) (maybe in the Internet, maybe in the White House) (maybe with variations, maybe without) (maybe with soft music playing in the background, or with no soft music playing in the background), "Ohhhh MY LOVE, there are staaars in your eyes! I loooooove you soooooo much!" -- Can you hear it? Oh! Imagine the poetry which I'd miss!<P>How could I possibly bear the loss of such *romance*, such *depth*, and such *originality*?! How could I ever live without the *hope* of finding this sort of *LUV* again in the future?! Isn't perhaps "Mr. Right" already waitin' for me out there?! ... YES, ***HE*** could be out there: ***HE***, the One, True, Bald, Bony, Cheesy Sh*tbag who will --again-- evoke those very big, wonderful, elevating *FEELINGS OF LOVE* in my *heart* which will (in his case, for sure!! :-)) keep me going for a lifetime.<P>Then a wonderful, wonderful story would surely start ... The continuous experience of warmth, care, tenderness, protection, and, last but not least, the daily experience of mutual *niceness* would perpetually fire up my energies, enabling me to enjoy the crankiness of my wonderful OM at age 60, to wash the cr*p out of the underwear of the 70-year-old OM, and to change the nappies of the 80-year-old OM. Thirty years of bliss would pass so fast ... Unmercifully, my happiness would end with Death tearing my Darling OM from my side, pushing him towards his Eternal Reward.<P>Sad. So sad. :-((<P>Well, I've thought it through. <BR>(What do you think, dear MB readers? Can I risk spoiling my wonderful *chances* for a bright, love-filled future?!<BR>Or should I rather enjoy the gentle face of my husband of 20 years? <BR>Should I perhaps just be satisfied with his perfectly unspectacular and simple kindness (which I probably took for granted, in a way)? <BR>Should I just rely on his trust, which never vanished even while I had my affair?<BR>Should I love him deeply, for his continuous support and patience?<BR>Should I perhaps just ENJOY the good things which God has given me? :-))) <P>Hmmm ... <BR>Dear OM!<P>When I think of what could have awaited me over there in the States, by your side ...<BR>ohhhhh, <BR>..... THE SUSPENZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!!! <P>I guess that I'll stay married. :-))<BR>And I guess that you, dear OM, were the first, but also the very last, affair of my life. <P>I've learned my lesson. It's time to seek my husband's forgiveness, and to shake the dust off my feet.<P>Live long and prosper!<BR>(With a bit of luck, you might manage that much!)<P>Yours,<P>dD<P>--------------------------<P>* I have changed all first names.<P><p>[This message has been edited by die Deutsche (edited December 06, 1999).]
