Hi Purplemag,<P>It's me, NoTrust. I changed my forum name since the name, NoTrust is no longer appropriate.<P>How was your weekend? Did your H pass the "no alcohol" test? Did you have a lot of fun at the concert?

Hi Survivor!<P>I like that name! Good one! <P>Weekend was good. Concert was good. It was hot as all he!!, though. Really bad. H had 2 non-alcoholic Molson's. I'm the one who actually bought them for him, how's that for stupidity, but he did really well. I mean for us being out in the beating sun and humidity from 2PM and not getting home until 1:15AM, I think we did really well! We even had seats this time, but it was so darn hot, we left them before the first intermission and went and sat out on the grass and watched the boats on the river just listening to the music the rest of the concert.<P>I have to say, I was really proud of him! He actually said he was getting tired of the "scene" meaning, hanging out in a parking lot all day with thousands of drunk idiots. I was shocked! <P>I figured, it was a "special" occassion, and it would be alright. I told him, I think I'd be okay with it on special occassions only, and that I wouldn't want it around the house. There's still 4 bottles of the stuff left over, and he hasn't touched them. <P>So, overall, it was a very, very good weekend. It was nice to "bond" with him. I know that sounds funny, but being outside, with no TV and the like, we just had a blast together. <P>Getting back to the non-alcoholic thing, see? He's such a good manipulator. I even knew that as I was buying the stuff for him. But seeing that he had a whole six-pack of the stuff, and he only drank 2 of them the whole time, I think we just may be okay.<P>Sorry I didn't get to post yesterday, I was crazy at work. I barely got on the website for five minutes, so it wouldn't have given me time! Ugh!<P>How was your weekend? I hope all is well with you too!<P>Survivor (what a great, confident name), thanks for checking up! I appreciate it!<P>So far so good.... <P>--purplemag

Hi Purplemag,<P>Well, your H did good, even though he drank a couple of non-alcoholic beers. My goodness! His comments sound similar to my H's!<P>When my H went to this retirement party, about a month ago, he drank non-alcoholic beer. He told me that lots of people acted stupid (because they were drunk) and that he was glad that he wasn't drinking anymore.<P>I guess that because our H's have been sober for a little while, their minds aren't so clouded and they can see clearer. They are finally seeing what alcohol is doing to others.<P>I really don't have anything against drinking alcohol occasionally, but when it is abused and it affects a person & family in a negative way, that's where I have a problem with it.<P>What's really weird is that there are times when my H has a 6-pack of non-alcoholic beer, but he will only drink 2. Then, the remaining 4 will sit in the frig for a week or more before he finishes it!<P>Maybe it is true and that your H likes the taste of beer. My H says the same thing. We don't buy non-alcoholic beer that often, but when we do, we buy the O'Douls Amber Ale. It really tastes like beer without all the alcohol content. Well, that's what he says. He likes the taste of it.<P>Do we have textbook cases or what??!! It seems that our H's say similar things and act similar. It is so weird!<P>As for me, we had a quiet weekend. My H had to work so the kids & I just relaxed and puttered around the house.<P>Anyway, I'm glad that your weekend went well! Thanks for the update!

Hi Survivor!<P>You have to post more to get rid of that junior member thing... <P>Anyways, thanks for checking up. I really appreciate it.<P>The one thing I forgot to say, and that I wanted to check with you to see if your H said anything like this....<P>We were talking about it a bit more, about the counseling session and him having an occasion non-alcoholic beer, and he really believes that he's NOT an alcoholic. Weird, huh?<P>He never really had withdrawal from it, says that he doesn't want to drink in any way, he has no craving for it, doesn't like the way it feels, etc., etc. <P>How he rationalizes this comment, is from that program last week on 20/20 - about alcoholism. He really believes that he just never really learned HOW to drink responsibly. That it's his environment...i.e., his dad was an alcoholic, as well as his grandfather, his siblings all drank to oblivian, his friends, the profession he chose (so he could basically be "free" as he calls it), his hobbies, i.e., volleyball and golf. <P>He feels that if he learned to drink responsibility all those years ago, and maybe ran with a different crowd, things would be totally different.<P>He's still trying to understand "all of us", meaning me and the counselor, as to our thinking on the whole subject of alcoholism. It really is fascinating to hear it from the opposite side of the spectrum.<P>I think half of his thinking is rationalization to himself and to me for some reason or another, and half of it is truth.<P>He really takes it to heart about being called an "alcoholic". For all intense and purposes, I haven't seen the withdrawal or cravings. Only cravings for the "taste" of the beer, and that taste he wants is non-alcoholic.<P>I've rambled again. Just wondering if your H ever felt this way too. We're still learning each day about each other's thinking processes on the subject, so it's a learning experience every day of the week!<P>Again, many thanks for checking up!<P>--purplemag

Hi Purplemag,<P>When my H was in DENIAL that he was an alcoholic, he would say comments like, "Well, I can stop anytime I want to." OR "I can go without drinking for months and then drink again."<P>I think the problem stems from when alcohol takes over your life, as it did for my H. Alcohol became the #1 object in my H's life. It controlled him and because of his abuse, he made some terrible and bad decisions which, if he were in his rational state of mind, he wouldn't even have made.<P>After my H became, shall I say, sober....if I ask him a question pertaining to during that traumatic time (the affair), he will respond, "I was drinking. I wasn't in my right state of mind. I didn't care about anything or anyone."<P>He also made comments like, "When I drink, I can't just have one drink, I have to keep drinking and drinking and drinking." <P>My H comes from a family of drinkers & alcoholics. When he was in the military, he drank a lot. He hung around people that drank a lot too. When he was in construction, he sometimes drank with his co-workers. After he left that job and went to his new profession, he hung around the people that hung out at bars afterwards.<P>I think that his family background and the people whom he chose to associate with were influential in how he became an alcoholic. I know that some people won't end up becoming one, but in my H's case, it seems that the cards were stacked up where he would end up having a drinking problem.<P>My H does not know how to drink responsibly. That 20/20 program on alcoholism was interesting. Do you think that someday our H's will ever learn how to just drink 1 glass of wine or 1 bottle of beer when going out to dinner? I mean, just drinking occasionally and NOT getting drunk? Do you think that can ever happen?<P>Your H is saying that he is NOT an alcoholic. What do you & your counselor think? Does it really appear that your H has an alcohol problem? It's interesting that he says that he doesn't have a problem. Is that true, or is he in denial?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited June 13, 2000).]

Hi Survivor!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My H does not know how to drink responsibly. That 20/20 program on alcoholism was interesting. Do you think that someday our H's will ever learn how to just drink 1 glass of wine or 1 bottle of beer when going out to dinner? I mean, just drinking occasionally and NOT getting drunk? Do you think that can ever happen?<P>Your H is saying that he is NOT an alcoholic. What do you & your counselor think? Does it really appear that your H has an alcohol problem? It's interesting that he says that he doesn't have a problem. Is that true, or is he in denial?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think it would be a good idea for either of them to start drinking again. Ever, not even one glass. Because "old habits are so hard to break". I'm sure for awhile they could do the ol' one glass/one bottle. But, it would eventually turn back into being an all-out beer fest. I can just sense it.<P>Our counselor and I both think he's an alcoholic, as well as my family and most of mine and his friends. He definitely had a very bad drinking problem. He might not have been one of those falling down drunks, but he needed to have that beer at least once a day.<P>Plus, he says he sees things so differently now. It's like a "fog" has lifted. Well, duh, to me that sounds like alcoholism right there. <P>So me personally, yes, I think he's an alcoholic. Him? I think he's in denial. He hates other people telling him about himself or what he should be doing with his life. I think it's easier for him to swallow that he has a "drinking problem" and that he's not an "alcoholic". <P>The reasons he doesn't think he is one, is because of the fact that there was hardly any withdrawal, and that he has no desire whatsoever to drink. Says he doesn't even think about it anymore. Basically, it just seemed to easy for him. And if it was that easy, how could it of been such a problem. That's the way I see his rationalization.<P>I was in denial in the beginning of our relationship. I just figured that he like to drink and "feel good" when we were out. Of course, I just let it fly that we were out about 5-6 nights a week! It just never stopped. I guess I got numb to it. And played stupid. I didn't want to deal with it. But, now I am, and it's a bit easier than I thought. At least we're still together and he's really trying. And, so far, he's succeeded. He succeeds every day he doesn't have a beer. And I have to be oh so very thankful for that! And I am! Really! I just need to get used to it is all.<P>--purplemag

Hi Purplemag,<P>I think that my H went through some type of withdrawal with alcohol. He didn't seem to go through any type of withdrawal with OW. He said that he didn't care for her, although she thinks that he did (thank goodness he didn't have an emotional affair).<P>When he was supposed to stop drinking, instead of going to the bar, he would buy some beer at the liquor store and then just drink it somewhere. He didn't go to the bar because he knew that is where he met the OW and I was so upset about him hanging out in bars. I believe that this behavior (buying alcohol at liquor store and drinking it elsewhere) lasted for a few weeks because he sure acted inconsiderate, irrational, moody, pain in the butt!<P>I don't think that my H likes being labeled as an "alcoholic" either (although that's what he is). He just says, "I have a drinking problem." Maybe it doesn't sound as harsh?<P>This Saturday, we will be at a family wedding. There will be lots of alcohol there. I know that his relatives will ask him, "Don't you drink anymore??"<P>My H is too afraid to tell them, "I don't drink anymore." Instead he says, "I'm just not drinking right now." If your H is asked why he isn't drinking, will he come out and say that he is quitting alcohol?<P>Just so you know, I may or may not be able to get back to this post. We are leaving tomorrow afternoon and will be back on Sunday. If I don't get back to this post tomorrow morning, have a great weekend and I'll check back on Sunday!

Hi Survivor!<P>First and foremost, have a great weekend! You'll be in my thoughts!<P>I think the only kind of withdrawal that H went through was that he got headaches by the end of the day for about 3 weeks. But, he didn't even associate them with him quitting drinking. I did. <P>Same with my H! He didn't go through withdrawal from OW either. That, I don't think I could have handled. There's just no way.<P>As far as I know, the drinking has stopped since dday. <P>My H isn't afraid to tell anyone he quit drinking. However, I think his mom did most of that for him! We're finding out that most of his cousins and everyone else knows he quit drinking. The questions they ask him are basically the "how are you doing with no beer?" or "how's it feel to be recovering?". I think they know that this time it's serious. That it was threatening the life of our marriage and the life of his relationships with his family. <P>If somebody didn't know that he quit drinking, they ask him why he's not drinking, he will tell them that he quit. Thank goodness. At least that's what he tells me. Most of the time I am within earshot to hear him, so I for the most part, believe him.<P>Again, Survivor, have a great weekend! I can't wait to hear how your H did at the family wedding! I hope he does find it within himself to be proud about his not drinking and tell everyone there. He's proud of it around you, he should be proud of it around everyone else. I know, the peer pressure thing, but someone's gotta make a stand! Let it be your H!<P>--purplemag