Haven't posted lately - been in a deep funk lately coming to the realization that my marriage is REALLY over. I'm ready to throw in the towel.<BR>I've been having phone sessions w/ Steve Harley over the past few months. Been trying to Plan A my H, but he is little by little closing me out of his life. He doesn't want to "cheat" on his girlfriend with his wife! He is talking about a legal seperation agreement, continuing to build a relationship with her, and shows no remorse for whimping out on our 17 year marriage, acts like having this affair is perfectly justified and normal and will not make any effort whatsoever to try to save this marriage. I have lost a lot of respect for him the past few weeks and actually feel disgust and anger when I see him. I have asked him to stop coming by for his mail because it is too emotional for me to see him. I actually feel better after I haven't seen or talked to him for 4-5 days. I am planning to move to southern Virginia from northern Vermont on July 15 to my sisters and start my life over. I need to take care of myself financially, and my present job was only ment to supplement his income and clean up some debt - it was never a source of real fulltime income. So I have to address that, and I can't do it here (my job is straight commission) because the cost of living is so high and I am now alone. Our house is for sale - we need to sell it to pay off debt. I have been living here since the OW screwed up our lives and he has been paying our bills while he lives in her ski house for free, but he just walked away from his 20 year career last Friday and has just two months of living expenses in his pocket. He is starting a new business on a straight commission basis - I fear our home is in jeopardy and we are headed for a financial disaster - he will take me down with him if that happens. If I go to my sisters I will atleast have a roof over my head while I figure out what to do with my life. I will also have the supposrt of a family member. She will be a big comfort to me. I also need to take care of myself emotionally and I can't hang around here and witness the two of them spending weekends together.(she comes up from NYC or he goes down, a six hour distance) She spent my 17th anniversary with him this past weekend. I can't believe he was so insensitive as to have her come to town on our anniversary. That tells me a lot about his respect for my feelings - There is none! He knows I have been a total basket case over this since March but continues on without regard to my feelings. He must really hate me - this is not how you treat people you care one iota about. Some alien is walking around in my husbands skin!<BR>I haven't yet shared this plan with him because he has made himself inaccessible by phone - He calls me when he wants, but I have no way to reach him. I will ask him to move back into our "furniture-less" house when I am gone and really make an effort to find a buyer, and I'm sure OW will come spend weekends on the lake with him until it's sold. What a happy environment I will have created for them when I leave! I can't be around to see it, I'll barf! Eventually a buyer will come along and we can get out from under this financial burden, assuming he doesn't default on the mortgage first. My whole life as I have know it for the past 17 years is soon to be a distant memory, and I have absolutely no control over what is happening. I feel so helpless and rejected. I cannot believe the emotional pain of this experience. I have a new respect for the betrayed spouses out there, and a new disrespect for the type of person who would come between and husband and wife. I suppose bitterness will be the next stage I will experience.(think I'm already there!)<BR>Anyway, wish me luck. Dr. Harley says to "move" to Virginia, but do not "move on" if I want to save my marriage (I don't think it can BE saved - H is not even going to try) - that I can Plan A from a distance and it may give H the room he needs to see through the fog. I'm not sure I buy it. He is vigorously persuing this woman, building a "relationship" with her, and he obviously does not give me a thought on any regular basis. I'm not sure I want it any more anyway. I can't imagine how I'd get past all the pain, no matter how much counseling I got. If nothing else, this move is a decision made (finally - I haven't had control over anything since this mess started) and it is a step in a direction that still remains to be seen I guess. I appreciate this forum and the help, insight, comfort and clarity it has brought me over the past few months. Some of you will hang in there, some of you will solve your problems, some of you won't. I wish you all luck and strength and pray that your peace will come, one way or the other.<BR>Sooney

Sonney,<P>Long distance Plan A's, like what Dr. Harley is suggesting, are hard...<BR>...because you see virtually no results for excruiatingly long periods of time.<P>But...<P>By having even less contact...<BR>...the pain your H can put on you is decreased (almost Plan B like)<P>I would say give it a try...<BR>...and even more importantly...<BR>...take that Plan A time and learn about yourself<BR>...find out who you are...<BR>...what your needs are (so you can tell your H if/when the fog lifts.... <B>or</B>... if ever a new relationship is discovered)<BR>...find out what makes <B>you</B> happy (this is something that comes only from you)<BR>...enjoy what life has.<P>We can all wallow in despair...<BR>...and grieve ...and cry...<BR>...and in it's proper time... all of those things <B>are necessary</B>.<P>With the Dr.'s help... he is saying to you... grow pretty one...<BR>Plan A (and even Plan B) are actions that make you so much better... stronger... maybe even faith-filled a bit!<P>I'm praying for you...<BR>...put a smile on your face... at least once a day... <P>Jim