It has been 6 months since I heard my H say "I'm interested in exploring a relationship with OP"..He acted so cocky, like well "gee...shouldn't you just be happy that I can find some happiness for the first time in my life"<P>I actually think I am over the shock of it, though not the hurt.<P>I have spent lots of time rethinking myself and the relationship and of course defending my own position in the marraige.<P>I think about the previous 2 difficult years in my H's job....how difficult it was to leave one job and start his own practice..how many long hours he put in....I was aware...but dealing with my own tense issues of raising 3 children....and feeling resentment of his working so much..<P>I can imagine the pull towards the feelings of total and utter respect....of feeling so good in that respect, especially when doled out by his coworker and close friend....<P>It was she who took him far across the world to a place where she grew up and did missionary work....she showed him how much good he can do by giving back of the gift he was given!!!!!<P>When you compare that....to coming home to 3 kids who probably don't listen to you (perhaps because you are tied up in your thinking about work etc.)<P>and to your wife who probably whines to you as soon as you come in the door about how tense life is here and by the way can you change a lightbulb...etc.<P>Even I can see the pull in the other direction.<P>Of course it gets twisted along the way, doesn't it. <P>My H has pulled back from the "wanting" a relationship with OP to just keeping it a "sacred" coworker thing with their shared bond of doing more missionary work. <P>Of course they both needed to leave their marraiges to do this.....<P>In marraige counseling he can only admit to animosity towards me....nothing else...nothing specific.<P>I have told him many times I am willing to listen, to talk, to work on the marraige, yet he is unwilling to put in his % (at least for now)<P>His counselor and the marraige counselor told him that he will remain in a "fog" while he is focused on the intense emotional relationship with OP...The marraige counselor didn't want to see us felt he needed to go to his own therapy. <P>I can only work on myself. I can't do anything to make him not feel animosity towards me. But ya know, I have to shield myself from the situation....I feel a lot of pain still. It is hard to see the same people and do the same things this summer. I remember, as he was so busy working last summer with OP, having lunch with her everyday, driving to their various workplaces, I was carting my kids to thier activities....people would ask about my H. I would tell them how hard he was working, how great he was doing since he left the other job.<P>What a compasionate, thoughtful man he was compared to his previous partner. I almost feel silly now. What happened to that man???<P>BTW, I am less tense this summer...I am less reactive. I guess when you hit a brick wall you have no choice but to stop and refocus.

Hi tootrusting,<P>I hate that these profiles no longer work. I don't know your story even though you've been around awhile.<P>But it was very similar here. He had a young thing that practically drooled over him in Brazil and managed to go there twice a month. He came home to tension, kids that didn't listen or even like him (they are 3 and 5), while over there it was eating out, talking, lots of sex, no interruptions or worries.<P>It is hard to compete. But as you said we can only change ourselves. I now realize how much I had built up resentment because I had the kids 24*7 while he went out, enjoyed himself on his expense account, wined and dined, etc.<P>Not sure where you are in Plan A, but I had to make some serious changes and he is only slowly coming around (I have some positive threads, but you can see I sometimes feel we are back to square one.)<P>I am still so inconsistent, but I try to meet him with a smile, maybe even all dolled up. I started coaching the kids to treat him better. I learned he really needed to unwind when he got home, so I stopped asking him to help when he came in.<P>But mostly, I rearranged my life and realized it was up to me to enjoy my life more. The kids are now in preschool (I finally realized I could be a good mom and not have them 24*7. I had a good babysitter, though I'm looking again. Fortunately we had the money for this and he didn't mind spending it. I also have someone clean my house once a week.<P>For me, all this is just the start of making this a better place for both of us.<P>I think plan A is about doing it, irregardless of his %. Is he willing to do fun things with you? That's where we started again. 15 hours? Ha, we were lucky if we spent one hour a week alone together. Not to work on the marriage, to have fun together.<P>I'm sure you already know all this, but for me it's good to be reminded.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Cindy, thanks for your reply. Actually, my H moved out in Feb. It was right before I found this site. He hadn't really admitted anything since his return in november from his trip abroad with her other than "there's nothing we can do" "its not what you did it's who you are" "this is not about her this is about you"<P>Like I said, since then, his focus has returned more to the work scenario and shared bond of doing "good works for people across the nations"<P>I am no longer really talking to him except to exchange the kids. I told him when he was willing to "talk" I was willing to talk. He's still too high on the feeling of being so respected and needed (she was a "victim" in her own miserable marraige that he had to help her out of....I guess they helped each other.)<P>It's really too appealing to chuck it all and go live somewhere where you can do whatever you want....without having any responsibility. Plus, then he gets to go to work and feel so great with Op by his side, plus he gets to simply blame me, the marraige or the kids to everyone in his family. <P>Like you said...you can only control what you can control.. I will make my home with my three children one to enjoy!!!!