<BR>This is really an emotional needs question, but some of the smartest people around hang out here and I need the help. I'll post in Emotional Needs too.<P>I'm really trying hard to modify my "style" to be less threatening to my wife. She's extremely sensitive about nearly everything, so I'm walking on eggshells to try to speak to her in a way that won't put her on the defensive. Last night really threw me for a loop, though.<P>We were discussing the need to take our D to the doctor, and she mentioned that we need to find a good pediatrician close by. The doctor we've been taking the kids to is in the next town, and it's not at all convenient to either of us to get away from work, drive to & from the doctor, etc. We used to take the kids to a very good pediatrician that was close by, and I asked "What's wrong with Dr. Z?" in a tone of voice that was as non-threatening as I could make it. She told me that my tone and choice of words was making her feel attacked and threatened.<P>I asked her what choice of words would have been better, and she suggested "Why don't we use Dr. Z?" as a non-threatening alternative.<P>My problem? I am unable to grasp the difference between the two options. Why is one threatening and one not? To me, they both ask the same question in a different way.<P>This is very important to me. If I can't understand what's threatening and what's not, I can't avoid the threatening style.<P>Suggestions, comments, questions?<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

The only thing I can see is the word "wrong." This word must have some negative connotation for her. <P>Also, the phrase is worded so that she must give you a response. She may feel that she has to justify why she does or does not want this doctor. When you say "Why don't we use Dr. Z?", she doesn't have to make a decision, she doesn't have to justify anything, just go along.<P>She sounds like a conflict avoider. Doesn't want to make any decisions for fear that they will be the wrong ones and you will be mad at her. Of course, these days almost everyone sounds like a conflict avoider to me.

You get the prize for the conflict-avoider assessment. She's got that down to perfection.<P>And fearing, yeah, her whole life has been motivated by avoiding the things she fears.<P>Thanks for the hint, I'll roll that around in my pointy little head for a while.<P>SS<BR>

I'm a CA...and yes, I see the difference...although your wife might be a little "over the top" on this particular issue, I am sure learning to check your tonal quality and word selection will make a huge difference in your relationship, even if you think the whole notion is silly.<P>What is wrong with Dr....does ask her to justify or qualify.<P>Better choices would be:<BR>How about Dr. X?<BR>Should we consider Dr. X?<BR>What do you think about Dr. X?<BR>Would Dr. X work?<BR>Dr. X may be an option...what do you think?<BR>I remember we used to go to Dr. X...would you feel comfortable with him?<BR>Dr. X is close by, should we put him on the list to consider?<BR>I thought Dr. X was fine when we went to him, but you probably (had more interaction with him)(have a better feeling how the kids were with him)(are a better judge of the situation) than I am, what do you think?<P>I could go on and on, are you getting the picture? Asking for her opinion is different than asking her to justify it. Although many men have little interest in gathering information and want to solve their own problems and make their own decisions without outside influence, your wife probably craves you to value her opinion. <P>A good book on communication in marriage is Fighting For Your Marriage by John Markum and Scott Stanley.<BR>

My H has a habit of phrasing things from the negative. In fact, his father does it to, so I know it is natural to him & not aimed at me. It makes me crazy if I let it. I have worked very hard to not over-react to negative phrases.<P>Maybe just pause before before speaking & ask your self is what you are about to say could possibly be taken in a negative tone. If so, try again. It is an acquired skill. I practice a lot on my children, hoping they will learn to be a little better than their father & I.<P>Good luck. She may never let it go & see you are trying, but perhaps she will. I am sure she has built up a big defense in this area. I know I did.<P>Carolyn

<BR>Thank you all so much. This has been so helpful.<P>Thanks FHL, for the explanation. It makes sense to me now. And no, I don't think there's anything silly about it - there's way too much pain involved on both parts to consider this lightly. She feels genuinely hurt and attacked and I inflict that on her even though it's unintentional. I feel awful about it, but I haven't yet been able to figure out how to talk to her. Her #1 need is conversation and I can't converse with her. It's driving me nuts.<P>I'll work on asking her opinion instead of putting her in a position of justification.<P>Thanks again, all.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>