Hello,<P>Well My H has decided that tonight will be his first night out. HE Agreed to teh 2 times a month thing but wants liberty to have special days. My problem is he just doesn't realize the personal sacrasfice and heart ache I will be going threw everytime he goes out. <P>On a side note i just got done doing a thing for him last weekend. We went to Balloon fest which features area bands. It was a all HIM day. I amnaged to haev fun and he got his dancing/clubbing thrill. <P>Alast things with me are not enough.....he needs his kareokee (sorry not sure how to spell it) and dancing. Of course this does not include me as I explained in other letters. I will NOT go clubbing. No matter what in this marriage I will NOT give up myself to please him. In our 10 year relationship I never went clubbing and I will not start now. That may seem selfish but if you can't see I'm the giver then forget it. I scarafice everything so he is ahppy can't I ahev one thing to myself...my respect and dignaty to NOT be in a place like that. <P>So I will sit here tonight alone and sad. Just so he is happy. Is this the solution? Must be the only one....becasue he will not give up this one event. So If I want my marriage I ahev to put up and shut up. Not the magical solution i hoped for but the opnly one in sight. He will begin his old life again and I will be here.<P>Just so no one is confused I'm not at all a partier. I'm happy with dinner and a movie and my family time. Nothing is more fun to me then sitting watching a movie with my family. Although i have attempted to be more out going Its still not enough for him. We haev Sting tickets in a few weeks but i'm sure that will not be a big enough outting for him either. Nothing we do as a couple seems to be FUN enough or sedate that need to party with friends.<P>confusedwife

Hello,<P>I am new to this board. I was moved to reply to your post. His love of "clubbing" is interesting, it sounds as if hes 21 years old (maybe he just thinks he is).<P>What about your time for yourself. Are you ever able to have eveings out w/ your girlfriends? <P>Turnabout is fair play, and it would help boost your self esteem.<P>Best of luck to you.<BR>

How did it turn out?<P>BTW, I was wondering what sort of things you two did when you were courting? Could you do any of them now? <P>All the best. --HBC

Following your Saga, CF.<P>I am not happy with this solution. I was hoping you'd negotiate something that was more equitable - and had hoped that it would be emotionally pain free.<P>I hate bars also. My husband and I have had our rounds of this problem. He loves to sing karaoke, and the song I hate him to sing the most is "In the still of the night"... It gives me the willies like he is singing about someone else, if you know what I mean.<P>I hate that sort of lifestyle. But, I think if I were you (and believe me that I hate that lifestyle probably as much as you do) - I would still prefer to go with my husband even if I had to bring a flashlight and a magazine or bible than to let him have contact with OW.<P>I don't know if you are religious or not, but I guess you could say that I am. I feel that as a Christian I am to be separate from the world - in the world but not of the world. So, it really makes me feel very conflicted by going to those kinds of places.<P>Then my sister said that Jesus would not have a problem going to a place like that - he was stronger than the influence - and he would know how to behave himself.<P>So, I guess I am lightening up a little, not really enjoying it - but am sacrificing for a bigger goal. My goal being that I want to have marriage, and I do not want to go through divorce again. (2nd marriage, 10 years together - just like you)<P>I think that you should not consider the matter settled completely - just maybe that you have come up with a temporary solution until a better one can come along that meets BOTH of your needs. It isn't about who wins, or who loses, but how to come up with some sort of solution that is a "win-win".<P>Funny, but when I accompany my husband to one of his karaoke excursions (and now oldest SD is a DJ on Friday and Sat nights and he has more of an excuse to want to go) - I seem to end up the evening in a corner with a distraught woman who is upset and wants to talk. (alcohol will do that for ya, you know.) So, even though I'll be sippijng coke and having coffee - I'll be sitting at a table trying to carry on a very deep conversation trying to give encouragement or understanding to someone. <P>So, the entire evening doesn't feel like a loss for me now. I don't look forward to it, but I know it won't last forever.<P>At least my husband agrees to leave before the place closes, maybe that could help you feel a little better if you do decide to go with your husband.<P>The real problem here isn't the lifestyle, but the real problem is that your husband will end up having renewed contact with OW without you there. That is the concern that I have about this more than anything.<P>No contact is best. Maybe a different club to go to than OW goes? Maybe that will help?<P>Will continue to follow your saga.<BR>TNT

Confused,<P>Every situation is different, for me I wanted to go out clubbing w/my "H". But he never wanted to, he only wanted to watch TV and sleep here. Until he moves out of the house then he goes everynight that he is not working. He says it is his think time. One of the places is "Old Men" and young girls. And my girlfriend recognized one who is a "rich man's hooker" (she is related to her, that's how she knew!)<P>Now he does not want to keep the girls for a weekend because then he can not go out at night.<P>I stopped in one place to talk w/a mutual friend and he yelled at me about it, I later found out he wanted to know from her if I had been drinking. I only had cokes!<P>I agree with the movie and dinner but I would like to go dancing about once a month, of course it has been at least a yr since we did that. He does not like to dance, so what is in those places?<P>------------------<BR>Lila<BR>Forgiving is hard, Forgetting is harder BUT it is not impossible