I need some help!! My husband has been talking about comming back home for the last month. He is living with OW now for almost 3 months. He said he would move back when ever she got a job so he could get all his stuff packed and moved. Well, she started her job yesterday. He was over here and stayed until 10:30 at night and we had a long talk. I am scared that he is getting cold feet. He said he was going to play it by ear to see what day he is going to move. We talked about the past mostly about my ex who has been in the back ground our whole realationship (going on 12 years). He told me he was scared that everytime something goes wrong my ex is always there for me and nothing I can say is going to make him feel better. I'm at the end of my rope as what to tell my ex to get him to get out of our lives. Nothing I seem to do works. He finds some way to tell me he loves me. I really want my marriage with my husband to work. I love him so much but can not seem to get that threw his head. I told him it's hard for him to see that since he lives with OW. It's starting to hurt so bad I just want to screammmmmmmmmm and cry. PLEASE give me some input on what I should do next.

Jannie:<P>Now, let's see. He's living with OW and is afraid that your X won't stop interferring in your life if you get back together. Is that right? Is this affair in retaliation for your X's being in your life too much before the affair? Did the OW just drop out of the sky one day? Or did he have a relationship with her before he moved out.<BR>This seems like the 'pot calling the kettle black'. <P>Do you think that there could be any foundation for his claim that you allowed the X to support you too much during times of problems in your marriage? Have you seen him (your X) since the separation? Why did you get divorced if he still loves you so much? Have you really made it clear to him that it's over between you and him? Perhaps you do rely on him too much. If so only you can end it and make him understand that you want your present marriage to work and that means that he has to go.<P>Perhaps you H has had this affair to jog you into admitting to yourself that your X is a problem. Or perhaps he is just covering his own butt by laying the blame for the affair on you and X. But one clear move you can make is to let the X go and fast if you really care nothing about him. This would cure your H's complaint and should remove any barriors to his moving back home (if he is really sincere about that).<P>Buffy <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 13, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by buffy:<BR>[B]Jannie:<P>He's living with OW and is afraid that your X won't stop interferring in your life if you get back together. Is that right? Is this affair in retaliation for your X's being in your life too much before the affair?<P>He is afraid that if we have problems he feels that the X is always in the background waiting for me. I only heard from my X 1 time a year which was a Christmas card were I used to work. I never talked to him only in the past 7 months. It has been since I found out about my H AF which has been going on for a year now. I also found out he had 14 one night stands with other women and 1 AF before that.<P>No this AF did not start because of my X being in my life. No it started according to him because I didn't have sex with him more than 3 times a week. I think that he is trying to make himself feel right about what he is doing. He makes no sense to me at all.<P>Did the OW just drop out of the sky one day? Or did he have a relationship with her before he moved out.<P>Yes he had a relationship with her for 7 months before he moved out the 1st time.<P>Do you think that there could be any foundation for his claim that you allowed the X to support you too much during times of problems in your marriage? <P>No, not by getting a Christmas card once a year.<P> Have you seen him (your X) since the separation? Why did you get divorced if he still loves you so much?<P>Yes I have seen my X since my H and I have separated. I had back surgery 3 months ago and my H was not there for me because his girlfriend was more important.<P>I have let the X go and told him that I can not see or talk to him because I love my H and want my marriage to work. I also know that my X will just not get on with his life because he says he loves me<P>I have done everthing I can think of to Plan A my H to death. I am getting to the point that I am sick and tired of hearing his excuses as to why he is not moving back home. I see him 3 times a week. I talked with him earlier tonight and OW was at work and he said he was getting his stuff together to bring home. It takes time he says. Now he is saying it will be next week sometime. I can hardly wait to hear what the excuse will be next week. I know that is is getting down to the wire and he is getting nervous.<P>I have great fears that he will run back to her. I'm so afraid that he will keep in contact with her. He came back home and said it was over but I found out later that he was still seeing her. I don't know how I can go through that again. It hurts so much.<P>I wish so badly that I did not love him with all my heart and soul. I just don't see how you can treat someone the way he does.<P>I had my best friend tell me that my H tells the OW that he loves her and talks to her the same way he does to me. (He has been around them) I just don't see how a person can do that.

I know it's hard to take anything the betrayers say at face value, but I think he's got a legitimate point about the X. I'd remove all obstacles to getting back together with your H if that is your true desire. As long as you both have something to fall back on, how much unconditional commitment will you give each other? <P>You can't control what he's going to do. You can only do your part. I can see why you'd feel insecure about "will he or won't he" give her up, but you've got to start trusting some time. What other choice do you have? Holding back is not going to create closeness. Someone has to be willing to risk the hurt or you will remain stuck.<P>I wish you luck.