Lori<BR>Thanks so much for your reply. <BR>It is good to get someone else perspective.<BR>Last night we had a major breakthru. Or at least for me it was. I was able to see how my H felt about me. FEAR he admitted he was afraid of me....Said he was afraid of what I might do or say if I knew the truth. Said I was controlling. I almost fell out of my seat! We talked for about 5 hours....<BR>I told him how I felt and he was surprised.<BR>We both admitted how we could both SEE this so differently. <BR>I guess what help was a problem that needs to be addressed concerning our son.<BR>Due to the fact WE both dropped the ball and didn't follow up on his progress I was notified that he will be repeating the grade he is in. We BOTH admitted our fault in this, but also the schools (not notifing us sooner) and of course our son too. <BR>We all took the least path of ressistance.<BR>So that is what started the conversation.<BR>HOW together we can help our son get back on the right track. Together we will go talk to the school on Monday. Research our options on Home SChooling etc. <BR>If I appeared to be controlling I told him why I did what I did. Yes I had to take control, but only with things that were in my control....<BR>We talked about counseling, how maybe a third party could help us. <BR>We talked about the OW what she did or didn't do. H admitted I try to put my finger on what she did that you didn't, but I can't.<BR>I said well maybe it's because I stopped doing those things. You stopped meeting my needs and so I stopped meeting yours.<BR>Then when I realized what was happening and tried to fix it, she was already in the picture and nothing I could do would work.<BR>He said you are right. <BR>So by the end of the night we were holding hands and talking calmly. Before he left he gave me a hug....<BR>So now that I know how he thinks I am.<BR>I mean the controling behaviour, I will make every attenpt to not do it. I guess for him it's a real LB...Yet he would always say he wanted me to be more independant and then when I became that he left....<BR>So is this the addiction still? He still has not talked to her. Her mother calls him asking him to call her because she is in such a mess....but so far he has said he has ressisted. He does keep saying this is what she wanted and I'm not going back again.<BR>How can I help him to stay strong? Or should I do what I told him. If something is beyond your control then it's a "Put it in your God Box" thing to do. Let him deal with it.He will I told him. He agreed and I hope he does. So many times I have had to do just that. Last night was one of those nights.<BR>Before I spoke with my H about our son.<BR>(What H reaction would be) and God did help us both......<BR>I too will keep my candel lit. <BR>It is the only thing that does keep me going FAITH...<BR>Tyra<BR>

Also deep out of lurkdom....<P>Lori, I am *thrilled* to read your story!! What an upper. You're doing so much good here, by helping people realize they are not being a doormat - they are being incredibly strong. <P>The wayward spouse desperately needs some calm, some normality, some comfort, some rational thinking. If you can help provide these, I think the battle is half won. Most times they are utterly surprised by it! Even if they don't show it outwardly, it is having major impact. As both SHA & Lori said, being a good *friend* to your spouse is the key. It does involve a mind-shift away from "outraged wronged spouse" mode, tho!<P>It is hard to explain the emotional upheaval that leads to, and follows, being unfaithful. Believe me, it is as confusing and devastating for the betrayer as it is for the betrayed. Especially in those cases where the betrayer has always been "a good man", there is a good chance of pulling it out of the fire. But as Lori said, it's not for the faint of heart - it takes confidence and rational thinking. Lori, you're done a fabulous job. I'm so happy it's working out for you.<P>And SHA - sounds like good news there too? <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hello all,<BR>This is my first post here. I was very interested in what all of you had to say and wanted to slip in and hopefully add something to your forum. <P>I am on the other side of the coin in this group but, it has been good for me to hear what you all had to say. <P>I will not share my whole story in one setting but will say, I have been married 16 years to one man and we have 3 beautiful children. We were married at the ages of 19-H and 20-me. I had our first child 10 months after we were married.<P>I left the marriage because of all those reasons that make no sence to you all. It was the strangest feeling being in that place of confusion. I hated it, myself, my H, and my life.<P>I did come to realise, however, that no matter who I am with as a partner, there are ALWAYS going to be problems that make me think there is something better to suit me out there. I also realised I loved my family even tho I didn't love all those other things. We were separated 10 months when I asked if I could make this right again. I haven't one regret!<P>I think you are all very strong and I hope you can wait out the storm like my H did. He is a wonderful man and I am very lucky to have him in my life, just as your H's are lucky to have you.<P>Love and Prayers<BR>Texasgal

Tyra - the stronger you are, the more you believe...in yourself, in him and in your marriage...the stronger he will become. You can't do anything else. Suse is right, she knows. You have to be the rock right now...he'll draw love and strength from you. Don't worry, Honey, you'll do fine. Look how well you've done so far? How far you've come!<P>Hi, Suse - glad to hear from you, too. I've got a BUNCH of your posts printed out in my own "notable posts" folder! Thanks for adding some wisdom to my wordiness! A lot more of these guys who weren't around (I was at least lurking!) need to hear from you guys! <P>Texasgal - I wasn't around for the last few days, but I'm really glad you wrote in too! Hope a lot of people read what you and Suse have to say....sometimes it's hard to jump out of the "How COULD they" mode and see both sides of a situation. Good luck to you and that wonderful h of yours...there's a lot of happiness to be had yet!!<P>OK, being quiet now <P>Lori

Wow, I finally decide that I can't stay away from here for one more day and find so many old friends in only one post! <P>Missy, I'm another success story, after things looked pretty discouraging for a long while. We're now on the second year after discovery and our marriage is stronger than ever.<P>Lori, You know what I think, long is better LOL<P>I'm so glad that the plan A for life is working for you too - by the way completely forgot about the 2nd year anniversary - who would have thought it would be possible????- I'll be posting about it in the recovery board, maybe tomorrow or wednesday since report cards are basically done.<P>Sir, missed you, glad to see you again <BR> <BR>suse, I'm pretty sure I owe you guys an e-mail, will be working on it during this week.<P>Everybody bellieve me it's good to be back!<BR>Had to create some priorities because I was spending quite some time here and stuff was getting behind, but boy did I miss you all!!!<P>Wedding anniversary coming on the 21st, right in the middle of the week - and a busy week specially at work to make it worse -It's much better to remember this one than the other one at the beginning of the month.<BR>ANyway I'm not making too much sense as usual still wasn't able to get this sleep thing in order LOL.<P>Hugs to all.<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited June 19, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by suse:<BR><B>Also deep out of lurkdom....<P>Lori, I am *thrilled* to read your story!! What an upper. You're doing so much good here, by helping people realize they are not being a doormat - they are being incredibly strong. <P>The wayward spouse desperately needs some calm, some normality, some comfort, some rational thinking. If you can help provide these, I think the battle is half won. Most times they are utterly surprised by it! Even if they don't show it outwardly, it is having major impact. As both SHA & Lori said, being a good *friend* to your spouse is the key. It does involve a mind-shift away from "outraged wronged spouse" mode, tho!<P>It is hard to explain the emotional upheaval that leads to, and follows, being unfaithful. Believe me, it is as confusing and devastating for the betrayer as it is for the betrayed. Especially in those cases where the betrayer has always been "a good man", there is a good chance of pulling it out of the fire. But as Lori said, it's not for the faint of heart - it takes confidence and rational thinking. Lori, you're done a fabulous job. I'm so happy it's working out for you.<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Suse, what insight for me.<BR>Tonight I again got up the courage to tell H what I needed and how his actions were not meeting my needs. In all honesty today I felt like he was not putting ANY effort in meeting my need for affection yet his need for conversation was being meet. <BR>So I told him, and he agreed that he wasn't.<BR>Boy did we have a major breakthru again.<BR>He said All if this could easily be fixed with two sets of words...<BR>1) I'm sorry and let me move back in and lets start all over again.<BR>2) It's over, I'm leaving,I'll write now and then, it'll be my responsibility to keep in touch with the kids etc.<BR>He said either one of those would solve my delima. But I can't say either because I am sitting on the fense and don't know which way to go.<BR>I said what would help make up your mind? He said I guess when Ilook at it I'm afraid of going back to the things " little" things that you did that added up to alot.<BR>He told me in a nice way a couple. After he told me, we laughed....Both of us. It was like so silly and once he said them, we both knew they were things that could be changed without too much effort on either one of us.<BR>Then it was my turn. <BR>H has a habit of gritting and talking thru his teeth when he gets angry. It drives me crazy. <BR>He laughed and said I guess it's a defense mechinism for me so I don't reach out and slap someone when I get angry. I said well it's very intimidating. He said well I do it even with people I work with when I get mad.<BR>I said yes but it doesn't hurt them like it hurts me or the kids.....<BR>I can tell when I've pushed the right buttons because he will do that too.<BR>Anyway he left and nothing was resolved, but at least we both had a few things we could work on.<BR>What a difference it made. I mean I know everything that is a LB will not be that easy to stop doing, but at least it's a start.<BR>I know that for him being able to come and go is important. He said before it felt like I was smothering him....the fact is I never asked where he was going or when he would return, until I found out about the affair.<BR>Then maybe I did tighten my grip on him.<BR>Well now I know that I can't do that. Yet I know it will be hard, because of the lack of trust....<BR>I know sometimes it feels like he has the best of both worlds. I'm here , when he wants me to be, and not when he decides to leave.<BR>I still think we need to work on that one.<BR>He said I don't feel married anymore, yet he knows I do...<BR>So even though we ended with a breakthru, I still am not sure where we are headed...but I hope it's closer together, and not further apart....<BR>Tomorrow is a new day ...I will see what God has planned for us....<BR>Tyra<BR>

Hi,<BR> I haven't been on a whole lot lately, so alot of you might not remember me. <BR>I too have a great success story to tell. Lostva and I helped eachother through some pretty tuff times. <BR> Last summer I noticed my H changing. He started dieting, laying out, not talking to me ect. He then took a trip by himself in July he said to "clear his head". When he came home the whole sorted mess came out. He told me how he had found this woman on the internet who had 8 kids. She and her kids were really abused by her husband and of course he was going to save the day. He told me the same crap most of us have heard, how he loved me but wasn't in love with me, how our marriage was a mistake, how neither I or the kids needed him yada yada yada.<BR> It was a few days later that he was living in a cheap hotel with her and 3 of her kids. <BR> To make a long story short it didn't take long before he relized what a fruit cake she was and just how much he missed me. I was a good wife though. I was kind and considerate and paitently waited for this whole thing to end. He was gone for 2 mos and it took another 3 mos to get life back to normal here. He went through alot of withdrawel and I went through alot of hell. <BR> The good thing is life is better here than ever. We are very happy and we really try to be more considerate and more in tune with eachothers feelings now. <BR> We still speak alot about the OW more because of all of the funny crap she has and continues to pull.<BR> Just be paitent. 11 months ago I thought my marriage was over and now I've never been happier.<P>Jill

Hi again all,<P>Thanks for the kudos, Lori - and hi, Kat (no, *I* definitely owe everyone an email!!! )<P>Lori - I just read a post from a new gal - annie h - I think she could use a pep talk from you - she seems to be hanging in there, considering, but hasn't gotten much of a response here yet - I think you'd be the perfect one to put a little wind in her sails! Will you help 'adopt' her? <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Lostva,<BR>I can't help but be inspired, I just recently (last week) discovered that my wife has been in a affair for the past 3 months. She says she loves him truely and deeply. I'm so new at this and feel so helpless. I cry all the time and feel as if my life is being drained everyday. She told me today that she does not love me and I don't know what love truely is. I agree I have taken our marrige for granted for so long (6years). She still lives at home with me, and I refuse to kick her out or give her a divorce. the first few days after I found out I was LB her all over the place. Then I found this site. I ahve trouble dealing with work, I call her all the time she even said she feels like a prisoner. I'm having trouble letting go. I've reviewed plan A but it is so very hard considering what is still so new to my life. We have 2 children but the only thing that bothers her is she may lose custody. The one thing she has given me I think because of her fear(loss of children)is a tiny chance to work on it. She still is seeing him though and it kills me every time she is gone. How do I let go? OM is married as well. All I do is read and feel sick ( doing wonders for my weight) Does the pain ever end?

OK, Kat, I know I still owe you an email - working on it!! Got so much to tell you!<P>Tyra - you're doing great, Honey.<P>Suse - I'll check it out! At least she'll know she's not alone.<P>Jill - Hey, Honey!!! I miss you! We did have some moments back then, didn't we?? <P>Homer - It DOES get better, but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work! We're ALL quite a bit lighter thanks to the "infidelity diet". Just hang in there, read, read, read. A glimmer of a chance is all you need. Robert gave me NONE!!!<P>Missy - you still reading?<BR>