checking the 'history' on our computer (in netscape, it lets you see where your computer has 'gone' for the past couple of days), I find this site accessed a bizillion times...LOL and porn.......TONS of porn....<P>I go up to bed, alone, crying myself to sleep and he plays computer games on the internet then goes to all these porn sites...<P>Did I trade in the OW for a bunch of porn sluts???<P>am I being too sensitive?<BR>he has always been a big porn guy....I knew that, but why does it especially bother me now?<P>I am re-building a marriage here and I sometimes feel like, what? I'm not enough? he stays up until 1am, 2am, sometiems 4am and always, the last 20 sites he has visited are porn.<P>this is not big enough for divorce, or lovebusting, but it really is pi$$ing me off.<P>Dylan

You're not that. What you've been through takes a serious toll on your feelings of security and ANYTHING sexual can bring out bad feelings.<P>Can you talk with him? Let him see how you feel. You need to, you know. If you keep getting hurt, then it will only damage what you're trying to do.<P>Hang in there. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Dylan}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

thank you Lori....<P>I will try to talk to him...I am just afraid he will see me as being 'picky'......you know, picking on his 'normal habits' now too....<P>I think it really bothers me because the OW looked like a porn star....no, really......really looked like a porn star...that was one of his compliments to her..<P>Lori, I hope you put your feet up and enjoy the next week...that severance package sure helps....I have been unemployed since May...doesn't help you much, but. hey...I'm home with my son, and if I had a job I probably would have quit when discovery happened....<P>maybe its the perfect time for you to think about YOU....<P>Dylan.<P>

It is not you.. I have come to the conlusion and speaking with my H about this, that is a little bit of curiousity and a man's lust. My H was always liked to do the porn thing. He would bring a video home and have a big smile on his face and I knew what he had before he even showed it to me. I tried to watch them with him. But it just did nothing for me. I told him, "How would you feel if I kept bringing home porn video's with just one women and all the rest men and got all hot and bothered over the men?" Know what he said. I would love it!!!! What is that suppose to mean.? Women are tie love to emotional needs, men on the other hand tend to tie love with something eles, (you know what I'm talking about) Men are different women are different. I still nag at my H everyonce in a while because thats all he has on his mind. I just tell him "DOWN BOY" it's my turn for attention. ME ME ME. I need emotional attention. We are now working on satisfying eachothers needs. It's hard at first but in the end it definatly pays off. If we didn't care about them or love them we wouldn't nag, or b#(ch at them. They are a work of art. <P>I hope I didn't offend anyone Sorry if I did. <BR>Best of luck !!!Camjon

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I don't allow it in my house, period! No if's and or but's about it. I feel that the time spent getting off the porn, is time away from building a better sexual realtionship between us. I believe the porn is something that also makes having an affair more probable. It must have something to do with having an emotional need not met. I believe this need is rooted back puberty and the person hooked in to it is at the emotional level of pimplely faced teenage boy! Just my opinion.<P>------------------<BR>"Life is What Happens While You Are Busy Making Other Plans"<BR>

Soulloss, You and I know we can't control someone else's behavior or thoughts. Even if we don't allow it in our house, the spouse or s.o. will find other ways to view it. I know my spouse looks at what I call the "shady magazines" at work because all the guys bring them to work. He told me several times in the past that he likes to look at pretty women, but he never told me that I was pretty. However, he told me that he would never have married an ugly woman. Wow! what a compliment.(sarcastic remark) Now I am a full fledged bulimic. There are several things I have learned from this and have implemented it in my daily life. 1. I am a recovering bulimic and sometimes still falling off the wagon(especially during the holidays). 2. I am learning to look at myself as beautiful woman and worthy of many glances(yes even if they are not from my spouse)(I am not suggesting an affair or flirting) 3. I have let my spouse know on many occasions, that it takes more than t & a to make it in this world and long after the t & a (s) sag and shrivel up, who knows where they will be in the future. But, I know where I will be. Hopefully happy with myself doing the things I want to do and enjoying the rest of my life. His behavior on the "shady magazines and booby chicks subject has significantly changed. He even encourages our daughters to achieve based on brain power such as academic ability and common sense and not on floosiness. <BR>Look at yourself in the mirror and see what a beautiful person you really are. You are 10 times the beauty those porns chicks are.(REMEMBER THAT!)

I know how you feel. Arik has been I guess a secret porn fequenter most of our marriage. He was afaid of how I would react he says. Now he knows nothing will shock me or make me go away so he is being more honest about this. In his last road trip he and "the guys" frequented a stip club. A striper there started hanging out with them a lot. She gave Arik a t-shirt that she body painted and a poster that she signed. All of this bother's me. I have voiced this to him but he just gets angry and says that I won't accept the "real him".<BR>Very frusterating!!!!!!!<BR>By the way I noticed in the "how old are you?" post that we are both 31. Arik is also younger than me. He is 30.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Well, I just want everyone to know how red my face got when I read this post... talk about embarassed... that my masturbation habits be posted here, on this board.... yeeps!!!<BR>But since it has been started, I might as well pick up the ball and run with it...<BR>(my recent transition from reactive to proactive)<BR>I think it is kind of important that you realize the place porn has in my, and probably others lives.<BR>A few comments that display a lack of understanding (please no offense) re this topic are:<P><<<Women are tie love to emotional needs, men on the other hand tend to tie love with something eles,(you know what I'm talking about)>>><P>Men tie love to emotional stuff too... and generally sex with our wifes represents a physical manifestation of those emotions... something that we can feel, touch, taste. Physical to be sure, but much more than that in it's entirety.<P><<<I feel that the time spent getting off the porn, is time away from building a better sexual realtionship between us.>>><P>Time spent on getting off on porn is actually just time spent 'getting off'. Masturbation is a healthy outlet. Porn is an 'aid' to that. Masturbation is not about sex. When I make love or have sex with my wife, it's an emotional experience. When I 'whack off' at the end of the day it is no way emotional. If it was emotional, I wouldn't need the smut. I'd close my eyes and play out some intimite fantasy. When I'm in that kind of mood, I go for the real thing. Masturbation, on the other hand, is just a physical release with about the same emotional impact as, say, going to the washroom.<P><<<I believe the porn is something that also makes having an affair more probable. It must have something to do with having an emotional need not met.>>><P>If you believe this then you are making yourself miserable for no reason. Masturbation has nothing to do with emotional needs. At least not in my life, and I bet if youi asked any other man (probly women too) here what emotional needs are fullfilled when he masturbates, you'd get a confused look.<P><<<You are 10 times the beauty those porns chicks are.(REMEMBER THAT!)>>><P>Here's a theme... Why in the world would you compare yourselves with the pornstars we look at? I told Dylan (we talked about this last night) that she shouldn't compare herself to those sl*ts ('scuse the language, but it's accurate) I didn't marry 'gangbang sally' and sure as heck wouldn't want to. Not only that, but I'd like to reiterate that the porn doesn't represent anything that I'd like my wife to aspire to. It's just dirty pictures/stories that aid in masturbation. <P>BIG exception to the theme of this post, actually not an exception... but,<P><<<My H was always liked to do the porn thing. He would bring a video home and have a big smile on his face and I knew what he had before he even showed it to me. I tried to watch them with him. But it just did nothing for me. I told him, "How would you feel if I kept bringing home porn video's with just one women and all the rest men and got all hot and bothered over the men?" Know what he said. I would love it!!!! What is that suppose to mean.?>>><P>That means that your Hubby has a little of the kink in him, like me. It means that he would like to share that aspect of his sexuality with him and you should be glad that he feels comfortable enough to share it with you, even if you are not into it. I would have answered that question with the exact same words and excited grin on my face. It's a fun, kinky change.<P>How is this for a weird stance? I will back porn to my dying day. It has a specific purpose that is seperate from reality. On the other hand, I take great offense when I turn on the TV and I see all the T&A being flashed and flaunted on today's music videos. Mass marketed to an impressionable youth are these images that cheapen sex and promote women as objects. Porn is not mass marketed, and is not meant to form or represent anybodies view or approach to sex. It is fantasy fodder as opposed to the real life sex for sale of music videos or beer commercials.<P>Furthermore, I make every effort to keep the filth away from innocent eyes. The magazines are on the top shelf, far away from accidental discovery by innappropriate eyes. The internet porn surfing is done late at night when there is no one else up who would be exposed to it. I do my best to keep it private, but if you go into the top shelf in the bathroom, you will find magazines. If you go into the history of netscape, you fill find smut sites. It has no bearing on our relationship or emotional lives, just filth to masturbate with.<P>Deut<P>Just my 2 cents, and now, red faced and embarrassed as heck, I'm going to go and try to forget that I divulged so much about my personal, uh, habits.

Deut:<P> I am not sure if this is the appropraite word but thanks. You gave me something to consider in Arik's relevation of his attraction to porn. I am going to be more accepting of him and his newly revealed habits. I hope you aren't too embarassed, you made some valid points and you did help me so thanks again.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

emabarassed like crazy (blushblushblush) but what the heck! <BR>D

Hey Soulloss' exH,<P>I just sorta gotta laugh . No one mentioned masturbation except you. soulloss just mentioned that you were at a lot of porn sites. Sure we can put two & two together, but you actually raised the issue.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

You know Deut, you make some really good points and I agree with a lot of them. As long as it's not an addiction, porn and um, self-pleasuring, is very normal and healthy. UNLESS someone is getting rejected or hurt by it.<P>Harley's got a couple of good articles on this. If it's not replacing your physical relationship with your wife and she's not "doing without" your attention when she needs or wants it, everything's probably ok. It's not a big deal.<P>BUT, and here's the big but. Because you're here, trying to rebuild, because she's been hurt and is insecure and because, for right now anyway, this upsets her and makes her feel bad, then it becomes a big deal. <P>It's not emotional, you said. It's not replacing her. It has no bearing on your feelings for her, so it's not a big thing to you. But it IS to her. And you love her. And you want to help her through this. <P>So, maybe porn isn't a lovebuster. But viewing it KNOWING that it hurts your wife at this delicate stage of the game DEFINITELY is. That's why I felt she should talk to you. So you'd know that, not because I feel it's necessarily wrong. But intentionally continuing to do something that hurts someone you love when you're trying to prove your love, especially since it's not vital to survival (or shouldn't be ) IS wrong, don't you think? <P>If it makes her feel uncomfortable. If it makes her "go to bed alone and cry herself to sleep" at night, then maybe, just maybe in this particular instance, it IS a problem. Might not be later. But it definitely is now. And I would imagine that your continuing while she knows that you realize that it hurts her definitely makes her feel that you're putting her on a lower rung of the ladder, that her feelings don't matter if it inconveniences you.<P>Now I know that's not true. You're working hard at this. But, you know, Dylan may not. This whole ride is full of choices, some harder than others. This one, no matter how enjoyable this activity may be, seems like a no-brainer to me.<P>And, I'm not saying that every man or woman should have to give up everything about themselves or everything that they enjoy doing just because "the spouse" doesn't get it or understand. That's silly. But if the activity HURTS the one they love, then I think it should be considered. Just my two cents worth.<P>Hey Dylan - thanks for the good thoughts. And tell him how you feel. He loves you. You guys can find a middle ground.<P>Lori

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Sure we can put two & two together, but you actually raised the issue.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>raised</B> the issue... hahahahahaha <P>Now, <B>that</B> made me laugh out loud... boy, did I need that.<P>Food for thought, by the way, soul's ex... <BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited December 07, 1999).]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha<P>RAISED<P>hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah<P>stop.....it hurts....<P>Dylan<P>hahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Had to admit I actually lauged. Haven't really done that all day. And yesterday for that matter. Thanks NB.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

My H cheated and said it was partly due to<BR>porn and partly the alcohol. This porn issue<BR>has been a thorn in our marriage for years.<BR>When I discovered tapes, he lied and said they were not his. He has ALWAYS kept this<BR>secret from me. Even after I have tried many<BR>times to talk with him and asked him to include me. I like Kinky too. But he consistantly refuses and with the infedility<BR>is does make me feel less than a woman. Why<BR>hide it? And why does he continue even though he knows it hurts me now. Is it that<BR>he is just too selfish and does not really care about me and how I feel now. And his<BR>interest in porn did affect our sex life and<BR>his interest in our marriage. Why then be<BR>married. Maybe he should be a single so he<BR>can watch his porn and do loung lizzards. Yeah, I'm hurting right now and feeling lost.<BR>This is getting to be too much.

devastated2,<BR>The number one reason any guy would lie about his porn is embarrassement. While writing this post, my ears were glowing so red that I'm sure the neighbours were considering calling the fire dept. lol. Smut is very much linked to masturbation and that is generally a very private subject for people.<BR>As you can tell, I can be quite candid about the subject, but even so I am EXTREMELY discreet - petrified of being 'caught' or walked in on. Weird eh?<BR>Anyway, if your man if hiding his mags/vids from you, I wouldn't worry about it too much. don't feel left out about it either. If you want to indulge in a bit of the kink with him, maybe go out an rent on yourself-surprise him with it. For some reason, it's a completely different scenario. He may still feel embarrassed or shy about his own collection, despite your openness.<BR>D

Soulloss' exH;<P>Just read your post and what would you say<BR>about a man who prefers the porn over the<BR>real thing? Many times in our marriage, MANY, he would view his collection and ignore me. This is what would upset me, plus the <BR>fact he would rather create h**l in our home <BR>instead of just admitting he liked it and was embarrassed by it to let me know. That's all he had to do. BE HONEST. You see, by him putting up such a fight to protect it it causes me to wonder what else his he hiding.<BR>And now with the infidelity, I am even wondering even more. Has he done this in our<BR>marriage before? Of course he says, "NO."<P>But remember, this guy has a serious problem<BR>with honesty among other things. OKay, say I<BR>do rent a tape and show it to him and he absolutely refuses to watch with me. What is<BR>that suppose to tell me? I am not trying to be hard on you at all. As a matter of fact I <BR>commend Your honesty. To me, it shows that you are comfortable with who you are as a man to be able to be so honest about this. And I would love it if my H would do the same. Then I would not have to wonder and fear.<P>Thanks for your post. I really do appreciate<BR>it.

Well, first off, I can't believe that I'm bringing this to the top again. (**blushing furiously**)<P>As for your questions, I'll do the best I can...<P><<<what would you say about a man who prefers the porn over the real thing? Many times in our marriage, MANY, he would view his collection and ignore me.>>><P>I'm not sure. You know him better than I do. It seems to me that the real thing is just about always better. There are times though, when I've just wanted to burn of a little steam, um, without going to all the trouble of a seduction, foreplay, etc... i dunno about your guy, but this is NOT the kind of think I pop on my wife, if you get my meaning. Maybe if there were probs in the air, he didn't think it appropriate for his mood, or yours, might he have been afraid of rejection? That has kept me from asking on many occaisions.<P><<<plus the fact he would rather create h**l in our home instead of just admitting he liked it and was embarrassed by it to let me know. That's all he had to do. BE HONEST>>><P>No man would rather create h*ll in the center of his emotional existance than just about anything else. It is the antithesis of our very being. To be avoided AT ALL COSTS!!! But unfortunately, we're simple creatures, and oftimes we make mistakes. I'd bet money that the lies re the smut were little at first and the more you asked, the more convoluted they became. This of course made you a little confused at first, then angry and now, I may be wrong, but I sense a lot of resentment in your words.... He's probably feeling like a scared rabbit in front of oncoming headlights everytime the subject comes up. Of course I could be way of base here... If this is the case, I would just let the subject drop for a while. Maybe one night in a couple of weeks or months (again, you would know better than I) tell him outright that you are having the strangest craving or curiosity to see an 'adult' film, would he be interested. <BR>You may find this more fruitful than prying into his collection. It may be really be a 'private' thing for him in which case your best bet is to respect that.<P>If I could, I would make two laws:<BR>(they were made from a man's perspective but are perfectly reversable)<P>Law 1) No man should have to answer any questions regarding any aspect of his masturbation activities.<P>Law 2)If he shall be placed in a postition where he must answer, particularily to a spouse, girlfriend or any male friend, he shall be permitted to lie with impunity <P>This was meant to be humourous, and of course lying is wrong, but some guys just have a real problem with sharing that part of their lives. Dylan is the only girlfriend I've ever had who has had even the remotest clue about my er, late-night habits. Certainly none of my friends and I sit around and discuss it, we're to busy talking about manly stuff, here on the boards, I can be candid, because that's why I come here. I don't have to worry about being embarrassed.<P>Bototm line, if he lies about his porn, it's not the same as lying about an affair. Not even remotely connectable in anywayshapeorform. <P><<<OKay, say I do rent a tape and show it to him and he absolutely refuses to watch with me. What is that suppose to tell me?>>><P>It would show that this is a private thing for him (at least for the time being) and you should probably respect that. Again, don't rush this kind of thing, or pressure it into happening. <P><<<Then I would not have to wonder and fear.>>><P>As long as the pictures/vids aren't illegal or really sick, and he's discreet and reasonable in his indulgence, I would definitely not worry... as for wonder, well, (wink) that can be half the fun...<P> <P>hope I could help<BR>deut<BR>