I have been trying or least wanting to work my marital problems out, but my H seems more interested in beer and the OW. I know from Alanon that I can't force him to stop drinking or control him, but last night when I saw him in the bar drinking I found him very unattractive. Now I do still have loving feelings for him but to see him acting like he was turned me off. He was loud, using foul language and sucking the beer down like it was his last one. <P>Does this mean that I am losing my feelings for him or just for the man that he has become? I guess the OW finds this behavior attractive. But she goes right along with it, unattractive, drinker smoker etc. We are so totally opposite that I find it so hard to think my H would stoop so low but he has and continues to do so.<P>Any thoughts on my feelings of finding him less attractive?

bc,<P>I don't have much time to reply right now but I will be back later. I have some thoughts on this!<P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>Thanks I will be waiting for any insight you can give me.

bc<BR>Is the man that you see when he is drinking the real him? Probably not. He certainly isn't the man that you love. Try to separate those two men in your head.<BR>I can certainly understand your feelings. My H is an alcoholic. He has not stopped drinking since the affair but he has controlled his drinking. Now when he goes out I go too. He drinks less when I am there.<BR>I think you're putting it very nicely when you describe your feelings. I'll be blunt. My H disgusts me when he has had too much to drink. I love the man but not his behavior when he has been drinking. I try to avoid him in those situations which are very rare now.<BR>His drinking was a major factor in the affair. Probably 90% of the times that he went to the Bimbo he was drunk. Wasn't she lucky? She got the worst of him.<BR>The weekend of discovery I had a severe concussion. After my H had put in the required 24 hours of being with me he disappeared in a drunken stupor. Spent the weekend with the Bimbo. I had no idea where he was. When he came home he was in horrible shape. What a prize hey? And this was what she wanted? Makes you wonder. <BR>That was the day I confronted him. There were more incidents over the next few months. Bimbo lives 1 1/2 hours away so when he went there it was always an overnighter. And he was almost always drunk.<BR>I'm rambling but there must be a point. I knew that the man I loved was in there. The alcohol made him disgusting and to tell you the truth I get a bit of enjoyment out of the fact that he had to be drunk to go to her. She must be a real winner.<BR>bc, the man you love is in there. The alcohol is controlling him. Try to seperate the two in your mind. Of course he isn't attractive when he's like that. But if the OW is playing her game she makes him think that he is.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Any thoughts on my feelings of finding him less attractive?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think this a normal response. I see all the things my H has done which I feel are out of character. It disgusts me. I wonder too if this is the man I knew and loved, or has he become someone else? I don't know the answer to that, but I believe that the man I knew is in there somewhere.<P>For me, it is adaptive because it is easier to avoid someone who is repulsive than someone who fills you with passion and love. I am concentrating on what I don't like so that I keep that distance.

wasstubborn,<P>Thanks for the insight. At least I know I am not alone in my thinking. I also think that the OW shouldn't 1) feel like she is getting a prize because in that shape he is no prize 2) funny that the only time they seem to be together is when there is drinking involved<BR>3) I am sure she is telling him just what he wants to hear when he does go to see her when he is drunk.<P>But looking at her if I was him I would need to be drunk but that doesn't say much for my H's tastes but they at that point are tainted with booze.<P>In Alanon, they say that we can't control them or change them and he has to hit rock bottom. Also I can't enable him and that hit home this morning. After him being out all night drinking and not coming home till 3am (he might have been with OW not sure) he was suppose to go to work this morning at 6am. Yes I did set the alarm but he was already up when it went off. Well he fell back to sleep and I told him once it was getting late. Then I remembered I was enabling him by trying to get him up to go to work. I decided that he would have to either get up on his own or suffer the consequences. I rolled over and went back to sleep. WEll he didn't go to work and I am not sure what will come of that. But he will have to suffer whatever is involved.<P>Then when he finally got up this morning he told me he had to stop doing that. I asked what even though I knew what he meant. He said drinking and I just said oh....<P>Well sorry to ramble. Thanks for the support.

Good job bc!<BR>No we can't stop them. It is their problem. We need to let it be their problem. I know it's hard but you were perfect.<BR>Sometimes the negative attention feeds it. Sometimes it's too easy to rely on someone else to keep things on track. <BR>I know from being a smoker that the first thing I want when someone says I should quit is----- a cigarette. If we harp about their drinking they will just drink more. <BR>When my H makes a comment about cutting down or quitting I just smile and say that would be very nice. Just to let him know the support is there but no bullying.<P>The man is seperate from the problem. Times like this the problem overcomes the man. Maybe rock bottom isn't far away. It isn't a very pretty place.

BC -<P>Read this again!!!!!<P>Listen to Wasstubborn......listen to your agreement of what she says....