Well, I'm basically getting up each day and trying to take care of me and the kids.<P>H and I are nowhere. I separated myself from him to protect me from the pain I feel and the reactions to it. <P>We are not talking. He came up with a visitation plan that has him taking the kids to his apt. <P>Meanwhile...this is all I know. He and the OP each have their own apts...(she moved out when H and I got closer) THey both have "changed" since thier missionary trip. They don't want to D thier spouses....they don't want to marry each other...they just enjoy working together and having that commom bond of antimaterialism and "helping the world" via missionary work. They both tell us (BS's) that they are so sorry for the pain they have caused us...that it is not us it is them...they have "changed"<P>Now, how is this unrequited fantasy soulmate love going to hit reality when they each maintain there own apts. and they have their spous's here taking care of the kids and they see the kids when it doesn't interfere with thier more important work!!!!<P>Neither are into the earthly things such as furniture, things, i guess sex.....although they think about it with each other....<P>To be quite honest....I now feel trapped. <P>Meanwhile I am in therapy....working on myself, reading,,,,,journaling......I am truly appreciating each of my children....I have learned so much about myself and how I relate. I am dealing with the anger I have inside of me over my own dad's betrayal and my mother being a door mat her whole life!!!!<P>My H will be nice to me because he doesn't want to be the bad guy...he knows how much pain I am in but he's "changed" you know.....<P>Can only say he has animosity towards me....good thing he doesn't for the rest of the world or how else could he do his good works with OP....(that was just some sarcastic humor)<P>I see his pain, I see his crisis...He has so much guilt over what he does have...after going to a country where there is such poverty. But....how can you tend to the world when you cannot tend to your home.<P>My H has a BIG spiritual hole. He has never had great faith I guess in anyone other than himself...He has always looked so far outside of himself for "the answer"..<P>I feel like all I can really do I pull away and pray....I am not doing anything more for him than keeping him from figuring it all out. I almost think he has to fall to the other side before he can come out...what do you think???????

Dear Tootrusting: I am sorry that I can't be of much help today, but I am praying for you. You sound like you are getting yourself together and that's a positive start. As far as your spouse goes, he's got alot of work to do. Good luck to you.

Hi TT,<P>Again, your post touched my heart. Our situations sound very similar. As we talked about a bit before, this has MLC written all over it. <P>My H and kids and I just spent four days at the beach. When he brought us home he said it was going to be hard for him to go back to his apartment after spending time together. I told him to just come home where he is needed, and he said I needed to realize that he may never come home.<P>I hurt so badly tonight, and I just don't know how to make this man love me again. Your H sounds just a goofed up as mine. I think it's great that he want to help the needy of the world, but he can't do a thing till he gets right with himself and gets that ridiculous assistant of his out of his life.<P>I too feel like I have become a better mother, and have seen others on this board say the same thing. I guess it took this for me to really get in touch with my children. They are needing a father badly though, and one that will be here for them through there teen years. You know, my H was always the President around here. I defered to him for years, and now I'm left picking up the pieces. I didn't even know how to start the lawn mower or pay a bill until a few months ago.<P>Can we make them do the right thing TT? Do we want them to come home and have the same marriage as before? In my craziest times I feel like if I got sick, or did something really stupid he'd come home, but once I get him here will he be happy and want to stay?<P>I, like you, do not want to raise my children alone. It terrifies me. The crux of all of this for us is that horrible four letter word...time. I am terrible at being in limbo and am having a hard time. Your H and mine are giving us many mixed signals, and that is cruel of them.<P>As the wise ones on this board say, we'll just have to keep working on ourselves, and if our H's don't appreciate the changes...maybe someday there will be someone out there in the world that will.

Thanks allison, I appreciate your reply. It is hard to know the right direction to go. My H still really looks drugged. Does your H look funny in his eyes???? Too me, my H has a very bad addiction problem.<P>I actually don't think it has to do with OP. she is just mixed up in it due to the work they do. My H suffererd an incredible crisis at work (no need to go inot it.) two years ago. (Now he says thats when the problems started with us) I know he actedlike it didn't bug him (work) but it did. This was after years of being a conflict avoider.<P>He had to leave that job and start on his own while "fighting a war" with the other office.....OP was his "copilot" They became workaholics......At that time she was doing so much of his work.....and deflecting a lot of the conflict. But we all (his family) believe she had her own motivations. <P>The trip they took threw him into a spin that he can't get out of.<P>You know my H has backed up with regards to his relationship with her. And I can see that he has cut back his work hours because he seems to be leaving work at 4:30 a lot and taking every other friday off....(I bet his counselor has him doing this)<P>He just refuses to believe that his obsession with the "bond" that he and OP have re: antimaterialism etc. could have anything to do with his disconnection from us.<P>At work he seems connected. Here at the house and with the kids and me his is disconnected.<P>I see his pain.....I hope and pray he finds his soul again. I just worry so much about the message this all sends to the kids.<P>LIke I said...I lived through my dad's MLC which was not pretty...he wore gross cloths and gold chains and smoked pot.....<P>He had a physical affair and gave thier family more attn....he stayed with my mom but always blamed her for his unhappiness.<P>Sometimes I wonder if there are some people who just cannot figure out that you can search all you want, so far away from yourself; you can change your job, you looks, you personality (like my H) and you still won't be happy.<P>I suppose I just believe that my children deserve more in life and I guess it'll be me to give it to them. <P>I just know for me, I can't be his friend right now. I have to take care of me so I can take care of the kids.

Hi again TT,<P>Thanks for replying to my reply to your....oh well, you know what I mean.<P>Yes, my H does look funny, kind of drugged. Isn't it interesting how we know them so well. I read a post on here once that a few wives knew something was wrong because their husbands SMELLED different!!! Now that just blew me away. I have had several people ask me if my H is on drugs, and I can honestly answer no, but he is drinking a lot and has aged trememdously over the last few years.<P>My H also is at his best when he is at work. He is in total control of himself there and has assistants at his beck and call. I think he is happiest when he is at work, which makes me so sad. But you know, it's just such an act. He can go there, looking great, feeling like a big shot, smoking his cigar, but I know who he really is. He is a shell of the man he seems to be. I think he must know this and it scares him that I know the other side of him. He doesn't want people to know that he is a thinking, feeling human being.<P>I too worry that my H will search for the rest of his life for true happiness and not find it. Has the counseling helped your H? I think it's a good sign that he's at least going. Are you two going together or individually to counseling?<P>I can tell from your posts TT that you have grown so much stronger. Maybe the Plan B thing just feels better for you right now. I admire you for giving him the space to figure it out for himself, it must have been hard to realize that you could not depend on him right now for anything.<BR>allison<BR>