I was in the shower and something just came over me. I can't go to the joint session. I'm not going. I don't want to hear anymore lies and deceit.<P>His guise of going to counseling becuz he's worried about me hurts. I think he needs to start being honest w/himself and me before I can spend anytime talking to him or seeing him.<P>This hurts so bad. I can't tell you.I wnat to see him but I DON'T wnat to see him.<P>I don't think I'm better than him or so good and right, I just can't take the hurt.<P>I'm sorry guys. Really. I love him with all my heart, truly.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR><BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

Hello Jo,<P>Trust your gut and do what is right for you. If truly don't want to go, don't go. I know what it is like to be disappointed every time you give them a chance to tell the truth and they choose a lie. I couldn't take it either. I don't blame you. Take care of YOU!

I agree with Popeye ya know!!!! I haven't been doing this as long as you, (weirdness started in Dec....H moved out in Feb.) but my H kept doing the same to me.<P>Every time I would get strong he would make dinner for me...or call me a lot.....even calling me from his hockey games when OP was with him watching him...but he hid to make the call!!!!<P>Then I told him I couldn't take the lies that he should just go live his life and he wanted to do marraige counseling.<P>We chat nicely all the way to the counselor and then we get in the room and he gets "possessed" again and begins saying mean stuff about me....I lost it....<P>I realized at that point I was being duped. Luckily the counselor caught on quickly too.<P>The counselor met with him. All he could do was defend his "coworking" relationhip and antimaterialistic missionary work.....<P>Counselor said....get ME out of the picture...like any addict...they need to hit bottom....unfortunately, my H is currently in controlled use....."they are only close coworkers"...and he gets to be nice daddy every other week. My poor children. My son cried so hard last night about his dad. My H is going to lose his kids. Not lose them per se, because I will never put him down and he can visit them whenever he wants...but you know, he really does lose them doesn't he.<P>It's so hard to believe in a parent re: honesty....loyalty, responsibility when you are incapable of providing some sort of example. I know because I didn't get that from my parents.<P>I guess it is up to me with my kids...and I will be loyal (in unconditional love ) towards my H. but it may not be in marraige.<P>ANyway Jo.... I understand exactly where you are coming from.. Makes you feel real codependent doesn't it. I kept getting sucked in to.<P>I am just trying to get up every day and say he is not coming back.....and see where the day takes me.....sometimes its to my room to cry or pray or read...most times it's to love my kids. I am responding so differently to my kids its amazing.<P>I really think I had a lot of anger towards my husband for his emotional indifference to them!!!!! I'm sure I took it out on them in impatient ways. I am amazed at how patient my parenting has been...even what's come out of my mouth. I feel like a guardian angel is putting the words on my tongue!!!!<P>You're H obviously loves you......maybe you do need to get yourself completely out of the pix to help him SEE it!!!!!