Sometimes I feel all alone. I love being with my kids, but you know my H was my best friend. He knew my heart and soul... I guess I just didn't realize someone else was sharing her heart and soul with him too...at work....daily....10 hours a day plus lunch....then the trip abroad and well you know the rest.<P>I felt much better in the beginning. I felt and saw a lot in plan A. Then she moved out...that really got to him and to me I guess and then his wanting to go to counseling only to become "possessed" in the chair and simply say everything I say bugs him and to defend his cloistered off work relationship with OP><P>I needed to plan B to protect me from me. I obviously have to grow some more and get stronger.....but I feel so weak. <P>I can't do a perfect planB... I see him when he picks up the kids. I am business like. I just don't have anyone to do the transfers. I try not to be in the room and they can just walk in the garage, but with three kids there is always something forgotton.etc.<P>I will be able to not see him at all in July. I am really looking forward to the relief. This has been so painful. <P>My H just doesn't want to decide. He wants to get his "high" off of work and the "important" things they do!!!! live independently, but keep their relationship unrequited and sacred. But he whines to his mom because he thinks I am going to move from here.<P>His family is very supportive of me but will always say..."that is just the way H is. He likes to be by himself. He is non confrontational...he is lazy, doesn't like to do hard work..likes to be pampered." So what....he also had an obligation to the marraige. I have no family...the buck stops here and it is really hard to deflect sometimes when you already have been assaulted by the person you loved and trusted the most!!!!! <P>What are some of the ways to stay strong!!!! not only in the marraige, but in myself.

I know how you feel about your H being your best friend. When my H was sending me thru that year of torment, who did I want to run & tell my secrets to? My best friend, the guy who's been there 25 years, my H. And not to be able to talk to my friend really left a hole. There was like this... silence around me all the time. I liken it to the way a restaurant gets closed at night. At first it's noisy w/ all the machines & people, but the people leave & all the machines get turned offf, & there's this strange silence that you can't get used to. You know the noise should be there, but it's so empty & sad. Waiting for the return of the people. That's the way I was all the time. Silent, even when I was at work, I had all these things to say that I could only say to my best friend. Who happened to be my H. Who was now confiding in an OW.<P>So how can you stay strong in yourself? This is what I did this weekend when I realized it wsa bothering me that I'm about to turn 40 (half my life done!!!). I made a list of everything I wanted to do that was 1/2 resonable that I could get done. So maybe you could explore new things that you want to do.

Sorry tootrusting,<P>I'm not getting it. He works at some ministry and the trip had something to do with missionary work.<P>What do you mean keeping their relationship sacred? Totally platonic?<P>Sounds like he's on some head trip that is more than just OW.<P>Yet, I guess the approach is still the same, plan A until you just can't anymore.<P>In some ways it sounds even more insane than the temporary insanity they all experience, so maybe he'll come back to reality with a thud.<P>You sound strong. I too had no one but my h and his family. Take time for yourself, and love those kids.<P>BTW, the single biggest change in my h since we started recovery is that he has become a great dad! Miracles can happen. Some were and stopped...but he never was until now.

Schizzo, My H is a surgeon and OP is his Phys.assistant. She grew up the D of a missionary and goes to Asia to do surgery at a hospital. It is not a named missionary. It is something she set up herself. She controls it. She has tried to get every DR. she ever works with to go.<P>When they first came home he displayed all of the characteristics you read about here!!! with regards to having an affair. I actually did plan A without knowing it but was also emotional because it was all such a shock.<P>He went to counseling but at the same time his whole family and all of the community came down really hard on him, so he then backed up into the current condition.<P>He was nice to me, but distant, and looked very high. He became involved with the kids more but very disconnected... He is "normal" at work I am told...laughing as OP is cackling in his ear.....She has the office completely cut off. <P>She filters all to and from him.<P>He now says he's "changed". Has nothing to do with me or her, but he defends their "coworking" relationship as one with this "bond" of antimaterialism and doing missionary work. So yes...it is quite different.<P>Everything is inconsistent though. They both live in sep. apts monk style, but my H still buys all of his new age gadgets that cost a lot of money. And at first he wanted to give up the club membership...now all of a sudden he can golf again...plus he spends lots of money on his trips and his passion for ice hockey.<P>He left here with nothing...not even his slippers or toothbrush. He has since taken some cloths but that's it. He left me all the money and was asking me for it when he needed it. (he'd say...what do I need & for)<P>Now they each don't want to divorce, they don't want to get married...they just want to do their important work and have us nearby so they can pop in and be parents for awhile.....What would you do???

TT-<P>Just hang in there, it may take awhile, but it sounds as if reality will set in soon.<P>I am proud of you for being so strong and taking control of the situation as best you can.<P>Be there for your kids and be good to yourself. Do you have any friends you could do something with---go to the beach for the weekend? treat yourself to a massage,pedicure, the works?<P>About the mission work----there are so many organizations that are crying for doctors to get involved. I cant believe that the OP's cause is his only option. I have physician friends that are Christians and go abroad every year to assist in areas with limited medical care. <P>I don't disagree with his desire to help, I am sure his generosity and concern for others is one of the things you love about him, it is just misdirected. Is there any way you can get information from his peers about other opportunities to work abroad. Does he have someone in his profession that he admires and would welcome the opportunity to work beside on the mission field?<P>Maybe someone at your church can give you information on medical missionary trips available this summer.<P>Your H is "searching" for meaning in his life, and I am positive he will not find it with this other woman. It sounds as if he has achieved all his goals, has everything anyone could want, and is still not happy. Please understand that it is NOT YOU!<BR>I think he will quickly find that this "ministry" will not make him happy either. It is a noble thing to do, but he has worked too hard and long to just "throw away" all the material comforts he enjoys.<P>I'll be praying for you!

I know exactly how you feel. Last summer I felt all alone. I didn't sleep in my bed for weeks. We had very, very seldom ever slept apart. I took the kids to the movie runaway bride. Of course they wanted to sit with there friends so here I was sitting alone. While everyone else was laughing I was sobbing. I had not been to a movie without my H for 17 years. It took alot of hard work on my part but we are a year later doing very, very well. <BR> Now is your time to start doing the things you have always wanted to do. You need to work on you. He is being selfish and will pay for this selfishness in the end. My H has to live with the guilt of last year for the rest of his life and in away for him it's a hard cross to bare. But it is one that he has to carry on his own. I started doing things that I liked to do last year. I also relized that I could handle life by myself and do it quite well. In someways I'm more insecure after last year but in alot of ways I'm alot more secure.<BR> This is a very tough thing to go through, something I pray to God I never have to go through again. My heart and prayers go out to you.<P>Jill

Jill, so your H feels guilty??? He came out of the fog???? I feel like my H will force the fog to stay. If he ever wakes up and has to face this situation in the community, with his friends with his family.....I don't think he could do it.