About a month ago my wife of 7 years (4 kids) told me that she was no longer sexually attracted to me, no longer had those "in love" feelings although she says she still loves me, and that she thinks she wants to explore how green the grass is on the other side of the fence since she didn't have a chance before (previously divorced, and now just 32). Yet, she desparately hangs on to me for some reason.<P>She started a new job with highly educated women with husbands with half-million $ incomes. It's very much a "man-buster" environment. All the signs were there that another man was involved. She swears not, and I believe her. We've had some tough discussions and gone through the questionnaire. <P>Now, our latest two discussions have revealed that it's actually another woman in her life - and that woman is "her". Her new environment has given birth to a totally new person - and that's the person who threatens to ruin our life together and our family.<BR>Here's the comparison:<P>My Wife: Other Woman:<P>Loves Coming Home; Loves Being At Work<BR>Very Giving; Thinks me,me,me<BR>Non-pretentious; Associates $ with Love<BR>Inner Beauty; Outer Beauty<BR>Beautiful Personality; Only cares about her<BR>Supports Entreprenuear; Wants it all now, with Executive Hubby<BR>Partners With Hubby; Acts single at work<BR>Loves sex with H; Wants sex with others<BR>Family oriented; Distant from Family<BR>Liked Hubby's look; Wants bald,bearded H<BR>Sexually aggressive; No desire w/hubby<BR>Went along with events; Expresses feelings<BR>Went along with mood; Wants wild fun<BR>Did most housework; Demands hubby helps<BR>Hidden affection need; Demands affection<P>I could go on, but you get the point. With the exception of the last four, which I support fully, I don't much like this new lady. And she's slowly trying to move into my home. My original wife is still in there, and I think the last four changes are great. <P>I'm not sure what to do about this woman, or if she'll just dissappear one day, or if she'll eventually bury my wife and ruin our family. <P><BR>[This message has been edited by SamH (edited December 06, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by SamH (edited December 06, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by SamH (edited December 06, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by SamH (edited December 06, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by SamH (edited December 06, 1999).]

Sorry for all the editing, format didn't come out right.

Very similar to my situation but there is another woman who has changed my wife's values to meet hers. Have no real advice except after 18 months it has gotten worse not better. Wish you all the luck in the world. I have been living thru this night mare and have been looking for the answers but cannot find any. Wish you better luck than I had but at least yours does not have a Real OW in her life. Hoping for the best for you.

Sam,<BR>has your wife alwas been easily influenced by those around her? I have a sister especially like that. We all tend to adopt the values of those arround us. If she values her own AND her family's happiness, maybe she would be open to considering that her unhappiness is caused by this new environment, not by "real" internal feelings. Seems like another job change is in order. My H and I have always agreed on "People before Things!" Coveting more and more material status symbols is a root cause of unhappiness. How sad for the children.<P>Best wishes to you.

Thanks Jenny and LTL,<BR>Truth is, once we were married, and before I chose to change from the executive suite to entrpreneurial, my wife did not work. I landed her this job with several MBA business school peers on the internet. They are very pretentious, and I never thought that it would negatively impact my otherwise wonderful wife. Even she now acknowledges that there is some form of physco effect or metamorphasis she goes through at work. These women wear expensive cloths, drive great cars, live in million$ houses, and literally "love" their husbands money - but not necessarily love them without the $$$.<P>It's incredible to me that this in large part has caused an otherwise wonderful woman, mother, and wife to place her marriage and family life in grave jeapordy.<BR>No, I'm no saint in the marriage, and have learned to better meet her emotional needs. And, as I've told her, I'm willing to give her the world as long as it is not required for love and lifelong companionship. <P>LTL, I sympathize with your situation. I really hope that you two are communicating, and that she's at least giving you an opportunity (rather close by or distant) to learn how she wants to be satisfied in life.<P>SamH

Sam, <P>You scared me with your title. <P>I found your list interesting. As I was reading through it, I was comparing it to my wife. <P>Items 1,2,4,5,7,8,9,11,12,13 are all common with my wife.<P>I got a chuckle out of item 10 - that is definitely NOT my wife (she's a hair person).<P>Sam, I think you're in this for the long haul. It's going to be a long painful battle to keep your marriage together. Stay healthy. This is going to take everything you have, even some that you don't think you have. <P>Let me also say that you are going to change too. Your change will be for the better. Pack your needs away, because they won't get met for some time. Get the book "Give & Take" by Harley. It will help you identify when your Taker is rearing its ugly head and how to help supress it. <P>Sam, my wife changed too. She transformed into this person I no longer knew. It hurt. I still grieve over what our marriage was. I miss my wife of the past. She was so caring and so selfless. She would call me during the day to just say "hi". I haven't received a call like that in years. I can't lament over things that used to be and I can get myself pretty depressed VERY fast if I want. But, you can't wallow in it. You give yourself a good cry every now and then and pick yourself up and move forward.<P>I have to say the changes my wife experienced forced the changes in me. I used to be selfish. Now I'm selfless. I give and enjoy giving to her. I am learning to appreciate the changes in my wife. She is very pretty, very intelligent. I do all the little things I should have done long ago. I like the person I have become. I now BELIEVE I am a very loving man. I know I will have no regrets in trying to save my marriage.<P>I don't know how it will turn out. I'm always hoping for the best. I've been at this for over a year now, and it's horribly slow going. But, I think to myself, what is a couple years in a lifetime together. If I knew how things would there out, I might not try as hard. But, I'm giving it everything I have Sam. You have to also. Give your wife every reason in the world to choose a life with you. <P>Those last four items on your list are cries for help to you Sam; especially the last one. Give like you have never given before Sam. And when you don't think you can give anymore, find it from deep inside yourself to give again. Do NOT expect anything in return. That will be the hard part. Initially, you are programmed to get something in return after giving. It's not going happen - at least not for a while (maybe a long while). Become a master at non-sexual touching. <P>You can do this Sam. We're here to help.<P>SHA<P><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited December 07, 1999).]

Thanks SHA,<BR>You said "what's a couple of years in a lifetime together". I agree - and I'll invest everything I've got and borrow even more to put into those years. <P>I do wonder how her NOT having had an affair at this point works in our marriage's favor?<P>Your situation, and your resolve and courage give me great strength, and even greater respect for those of us who meant it when we said "I do -forever". What I struggle with most is the shock that "Love" is contingent on so many things to her that are absolutely meaningless in reality (that is, meaningless relative to love, but perhaps meaningful in life). It just makes me angry. Then of course, and no doubt very much like yourself, there is this life sucking continuous pain of not knowing the woman you sleep with each night, not receiving any love from her, not sharing the same things that she once said were dear to her and us, and not knowing where her heart truly is.<P>Stupid me, I'm the one who set her up for this job, and even negotiated her deal. Now the stock options are about to skyrocket, and she's totally addicted to it. Trying to pull her away wouldn't work, yet I'm very afraid of the "independence" she might feel once her options reach peak value. It would be a considerably high 7 figure number that could make her feel like the other women she's around each day even more - and that pretentiousness would likely destroy what's left of our life together.<P>I have much to do, and appreciate your guidance.<P>SamH

Sounds like a teenage rebellion to me. Some people don't do that until later in life. If I'm right, you are in for a rough ride. Best to handle her in a similar manner to how your parents handled you at that time. Patients, understanding, acceptance, and clearly established boundaries. Don't try to talk about what she's thinking and feeling unless you are prepared to accept it all. If you argue with her, she'll be getting a punk-rock hairstyle and trying dope with her friends (joke, alluding to teenagers.) Also, you may have to let her go if she doesn't like your boundaries. If she comes to see the value of them, she'll be back. If not, she wasn't who you thought she was in the first place.

Sam,<BR>Sounds almost like your w is going thru a midlife crisis. She worked at home for years and maybe felt unappreciated, now she is working and feeling accomplishment and maybe appreciated.<P>My stbx has done this with her work and told me it meets all her needs, especially since she found om there. She now says she wants to ahve more fun, dress sexier, is really unconcerned about other people.<P>She too has been influenced by the people she works with, she says she is a WWII buff, but I have never in 18 yrs heard her mention that, she always quotes people from work on our situations at home like they are some kind of experts.<P>You w seems young to be going thru a MLC but thats what it osunds like to me.<P>It sounds like job change is needed to me.<P>There is a website: <A HREF="http://www.bestyears.com/midlife" TARGET=_blank>www.bestyears.com/midlife</A> crisis.htm that someone said is a good source of info. I have not looked at it. Also midlife.com<P>Best of luck.

I get so confused about this situation. Last night I hugged her very affectionately, and she responded the same. I looked her squarely in the eye while still embracing, and with clear hints of tears and total sincerity said to her "I miss my wife, I really miss her, need her, and want to show her forever how true and deep my love for her really is".. She said back, in a similarly passionate voice " I'm here, I am here with you. I still have some issues to work through, but I'm here. It's me who sleeps in your arms every night."<P>My god that sounded wonderful.. but what the heck does it mean? Or is it just apart of the rollercoaster effect?<P>SamH

Sam, <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>.. but what the heck does it mean?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It means you're going to make it. Those are words any of us guys are dieing to hear. You must be doing the right things Sam.<P>SHA

Sure glad that you think it's a good sign. Still, there's a rollercoaster effect, as might be expected. Today I phoned her at work just to say sweet things. I got blasted out of nowhere because of conflicts with her upcoming work schedule. She was trying to just vent about it, and somehow I got accused of saying the wrong thing and not just listening. As with most men, I truly have no freaking idea how what I said triggered the attack. <P>No Obstacles. There's always tonight and tomorrow for making huge deposits into the love bank.