I just spent four days with my husband and children at the ocean. Considering I have three bickering teenagers it went pretty well. H and I...well...I think felt close at times. We came home, but as he was about to go to his apartment all hell broke loose. Actually, we had a pretty civil talk, but I am just so confused now.<P>H and I have been seperated for about 6 weeks now. He left a few days after I discovered that he had a 2 year affair. He says this is over, and has been for quite a few months prior to discovery, but he just can't get back the deep feelings for me. He says he has been unhappy 10 years of our 19 year marriage.<P>Well, in our talk I got pretty emotional, which I rarely do...and he said he would come home if I asked him to, but he would come back to the "same half a marriage as we had before". Yikes!!! What do I do with that one??? Let me say here that I am under a bunch of stress right now as my mother was in a bad accident last week, and she'll be moving in with me for a few weeks so I can take care of her.<P>So, do I ask him to come back? I know he'd be very reluctant to do this as he still feels very little for me...ouch..it hurt to say that. Also, this trip we took this weekend was originally just for the kids and him, and he called several times and asked me to go. His confusion is really messing me up. One minute he seems to be really caring, then he says he may never be able to find his way back to us.<P>I know, it's the fog thing, but I am still just so scared that he'll never love me again. He hasn't loved me for so long, how do I do this guys??? Should I lay off, or insist he get his butt home?<P>

Don't mean to be annoying, just looking for some help on this one so I thought I'd bring it back to the top. <P>Sorry everyone, just having a really bad night here. Wish I would have never gone on the beach trip. Sleeping in the same bed as my H for four nights makes this night seem especially lonely with him back at his apartment.

HI az allison,<BR> Most go to bed kind of early around here so don't worry they'll answer. Let me just hold down the fort for now.<BR> The BEST and I mean the BEST person's posts to read in your situation would be Lostva her success story started a lot like yours in as her H just came home "Because he had made a commitment, or so he "THOUGHT"<BR> Pull up her threads and I promise it will help you. She's a WONDERFUL, KIND and WISE person and REALLY has this "down" GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<BR> If you've read her posts...... never mind

I havent been following your story but I think your post above sounds really promising!!<BR>Are you both going to counselling?. This will ensure that your marriage changes for the better, not just be the "same as before".<BR>And as for hubby, sorry but for anyone who says (through his thick fog) I havent been happy for the last ten years, I feel like screaming then why didnt you speak up, do something or go to counselling!!!!!!!!!<BR>yeesh the things they say!! ........

Hi! I'm going on way too little sleep for the last few days, but I wanted you to know that someone IS reading this! <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{az allison}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Are your Plan A skills solid? If he moves back home under these circumstances, can you take the amazing tests and harsh words and emotional abuse that is BOUND to happen? Can you take it all in stride, take action, not react, and gently lead him back "in love"? Can you put off the "hurry to get better" we ALL experience and understand that he's NOT gonna work with you for perhaps a long, long time, but that your love and consistancy can bring him a long way? Are you ready for NO LOVEBUSTING - none, absolutely positively NONE?<P>If so, Honey, bring him home. Let him know that you're not interested in "half a marriage" either and you're gonna do your part to change things. For a while, don't ask anything of him (I did ask for honesty, but it took Robert a while to really trust me enough to be completely honest - they can't suffer for telling the truth).<P>Now, none of this sounds fair, particularly after everything you've already been through. But, trust me, if you can handle it (and I'm gonna tell you right now, it's harder than what you've gone through already sometimes), you'll get paid back for your efforts a hundred times over!!! <P>Now, the ten years thing. Part of that is the fog.....but once I started thinking about it (in our case), I decided some of it may very well be true! And I don't believe that it's always possible to TELL us that "something's missing" for a number of reasons. First of all, they're not SURE what it is that's missing, just that it doesn't feel right. Secondly, since we do so much (sometimes all the wrong things, unfortunately) they feel guilty about complaining or asking for more (when it simply could mean asking for something INSTEAD) and, I am so sorry for this, but sometimes, and I know this was true in our marriage, we don't foster the kind of environment that allows that kind of honesty. After more than a year on this board, reading literally thousands of posts, I've discovered that, when we look at the situation honestly, without our "betrayed" blinders on, we find that our spouse WAS showing us they weren't REALLY happy, in a lot of different little ways (right, Frank???? ) and we just didn't pay attention to the signals. But, then, that's just me.<P>Since you'll be looking after your mom, it's gonna be difficult to give your marriage the attention it deserves at this crucial point. I know, MY mom went in for emergency surgery 1 week after Robert came home - what timing!! Though necessary and something that you really want to do b/c you love her, taking care of a relative during this time (heck, just having them VISIT during this time) puts a lot of strain on a relationship.....even a strong one. But, it can be done - if you're up to it. Remember, though, you'll get little or no support from him, he'll be questioning and judging your every move and will not accept worry and exhaustion as excuses for any emotional breakdown. Does it sound as though I've BEEN there?????? Hope so. <P>But the fact that he's willing to come home, for WHATEVER reason, is good and I'd seriously consider taking advantage of it. If you want, why not tell him you'd LOVE for him to come home, but you'd like to spend some more time with him first, as a transition for the two of you? Have him over for dinner - a lot. Have someone come in to stay w/ Mom once a week or so and plan a "date". Spend some one on one, good quality time with him for a little while (we took about 3 weeks to transition) and show him how enjoyable being with you can be! He will at least begin to think that coming home MIGHT not be such a chore....and that can't hurt, right?<P>You have a lot of positives going your way. Use them. And be sure to take care of yourself during this time...you're gonna need all the strength that you can get!!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Allison, I so agree with Lori. Don't believe the stuff he is saying about the 10 year thing. My H said it was the whole marraige too in Jan. Then last month in counseling he told the counselor it was 2 years....and he really didn't know what bugged him....just me he guessed and that he never told me about the problems.<P>I think Lori is right. If you can deflect it and do a great plan A....gently ....you will have a great marraige again!!!!!<P>Especially if the affair is over....and you say it is ...the two year thing....<P>My H's ea I think started less than a year ago....and D was in Jan. And he doesn't want to give up the "coworker" thing. Which is why I am trying to NOT see him.<P>The one thing that seems clear to me about affairs is that....they end.....that the spouse will not be willing to work on the marraige while it is still going on....and when it ends.....it still takes awhile to feel anything.<P>I know in my Heart that even if my H and I go our separate ways...he will remember, despite the fact that he says "I've changed" and tells me he'll never remember.....he will! <P>I think it takes a lot of inner strength to do this,,,,,and you've got it.....

I think you have a better chance with him home than not at home. If you really want it, I'd say this is the best shot at it. He may think you didn't have a happy marriage, but you are in a better position to give him a new perspective if you are there and Plan A-ing your butt off!

Thanks to all who replied. Your posts were so wonderful and helpful to me.<P>The good news is that my mom was able to go back to her place after I picked her up at the airport today. I worry about her being alone, but she won't have surgery for a few weeks and will get more rest there. Three teenagers here will not make for a restful situation. So...I'll be spending a lot of time with her...and hoping she will stay off of ATC's in the future. (She's 67 and had an accident last week on an ATC at her cabin!)<P>You guys...I am so scared to push his coming home. He does not want to, and begs me for more time away to think about our situation. He says he will do it, but let me say here, that I would almost have to be falling apart for him to come home. Now, is that the kind of person I want him to see? I've been able to sheild him from most of my down times because he's not here...but my mom's accident plus spending four days (and nights) with him left me depressed yesterday and I told him I didn't know if I could handle things.<P>Do you guys really think I should push this? I wonder if it's a LoveBuster to ask him to come home. He has said over and over that he needs time and refers to his having his own place as his "penance" and "punishment".<P>I just want to say...that I don't know where I would be without you all on this forum. I have read Lostva's posts...many many of them and as so many others, have found true inspiration from them. Lostva...if you're reading this...did Robert willingly come home? Did he tell you he loved you before he came home? Do you feel like you pushed him to return before he was ready?<P>Thanks all of my MB freinds. I wish I could be as helpful to others as you've been to me.<BR>allison

Hi! Yup, I'm keeping up with you. Got to leave in five for a dr.'s appt though, so I'll write when I get back, ok?<P>Lori

Allison, You know where I am...so I'm not going to have any great advice, but I do think you have to be ready as well.<P>If you are doubting yourself can you go slowly. You can truly planA while this is going on....can you have him stay on the weekends and go to his place during the week for awhile...Can you take baby steps???and really focus on planA.....Go on dates etc????<P>I can't remember your whole story. Did your H leave for a long time...and stay away from you....Did you ever have to distance yourself like I am doing right now...?<P>I can imagine how scary it is...I know that right now I would not be ready...I am still dealing with a lot inside. But if my H gave me REAL reason to believe we could begin working on our relationship I would go whole heartedly into a major PlanA and would take it slow.<P>Lori is a good one to ask.....she really had her own act together!!!! I want to be like her (and SHeba) when I grow up!!! (too bad I'm 43 now huh!!!!!!)

I'm back!<P>Nope, I didn't push. Read Missy's thread to me for the whole sordid story. And Suse makes some GREAT points on that thread - as well as bunches of other folks. And he didn't even tell me he loved me until AFTER he asked to come home! But he still wasn't "in love" (barf) with me!! Now he is!!<P>Tootrusting's right. It sounds as if you have doubts that YOU'RE ready and I'm telling you, you really have to be. She has the plan that I would advise, similar to what we used to help Robert get ready. Date, spend weekends together, do lots more stuff as a family. Tell him you understand that he needs his space to think right now, there's a lot to thing ABOUT! But tell him you love him and would like to spend time with him. Start slowly if you like, dinners at the house a couple of times a week, family outings. Make EVERYTHING fun. Make every encounter non-threatening. Show him what real love and friendship really are.<P>No, you don't want him to come home because you're a mess. You want him to come home, even with a few doubts, b/c he thinks there may be a chance for happiness there. Take it slowly, don't push. Strengthen yourself and your resolve and learn to be his friend and have fun with it.<P>You do stand a better chance if he's living with you and the kids. But not if you're a mess and you'll lovebust or cry or let the crap get to you every day. I really think you guys could use a bit more time to transition. You may not remember, but in one of my Many many posts, I said that Robert was thinking about and telling OTHERS that he may want to come home as early as November. I was broken-hearted that he changed his mind (thanks to my love-busting letters!!), but I'm really glad he did now. I WASN'T READY. I wasn't there yet, in that place where I could deal with the problems and junk full-time without losing my resolve and throwing up my hands and giving up. Now that I've been through it, I think I might just have pushed him right back out the door back then - trying too hard, pushing for the way things are "supposed" to be in a perfect recovery! <P>Take it easy, give it some thought. You can most definitely Plan A while separated and do a whale of a job at it! Let us know what you decide.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi, Az Allison:<P>I don't usually get to this board before midnight, so I'm always getting in on the tail end of the discussion. But it seems like you've been given some good advise.<P>All I can add is that you need to be very sure that you are ready to do what needs to be done to undo 10 years of bad marriage.<BR>This means you have to be prepared to do some introspection in regard to your part in the situation that led to the affair.<P>Your H's right about getting back into the same marriage bed....unless things change he will probably leave again at some point (mine did). But I didn't have MB then and you're lucky that you do. <P>At this point my husband would be at home if I let him, but I know he needs more time to work on his problems and I definitely need more time to decide what I want or need out of this marriage. <P>Time apart has shown me that our marriage had not been good for a long time and I am questioning whether it is worth the effort to try again. But I can decide that only with a clear head, free of all the pain we have inflicted on each other in the last few years. It's hard because I been with this man for 30 years but I'm getting there. <P>My prayers go with you regardless of what you decide to do.<P>Buffy<BR>

Thank you Lostva, Buffy and everyone else that took time to reply.<P>H and I had another one of our marathon talks last night. We have both decided on a total honesty plan, no matter how much it hurts each of us to tell/hear the truth sometimes.<P>We decided that he will spend every other weekend here at home rather than take the kids to his apartment (which they hate).<P>We really negotiated. Lostva, I really had your post in mind when we talked. He started feeling pressured that I was trying to make him come home, but I told him that I was not "fixed" yet...not ready. I told him that I was working hard on myself, and the only gift I could give him was more time. I think this took a tremendous amount of pressure off of him and let him know that I am responsible for ME, and he is responsible to work out his stuff on his time schedule.<P>As usual, I need a little advice here too...we talked about sleeping arrangements while he stays here. We have been intimate a few times since he left, and I could tell he felt uncomfortable with it. It was great, but in his book was more just sex than really making love. Is this an area that I should back off until he feels more attached? I think the experiences left him feeling kind of empty, and left me feeling really hopeful.<P>So...should I make the move (keeping in mind that sex is a big EN for him) or wait it out and let him take control?<P>Thanks for helping guys.<BR>allison

Good for you! This sounds like a terrific start! Taking the pressure off is a big, big thing. He'll notice your changes and he'll test them to see if they're real. Pass those tests!!!<P>Sleeping arrangements came up when Robert was talking about coming home too. I told him it was his choice - our room or the spare room. He CHOSE the spare room, but never actually slept there. We made before bed time kinda quiet and close and he wound up coming to bed with me - no sex tho'. I let him take the lead as far as that's concerned. But sleeping next to each other, if he's not uncomfortable with it, is a great way to strengthen the bond. In every area, I really tried to find out or guess what he was most comfortable with or let him take the lead. Remove all pressure. This is a place he must learn to feel unthreatened, safe, at home. <P>You're learning! And you're teaching him! That's all it takes. Slow and sure. There will be setbacks. Don't let them discourage you or weaken your resolve. Some of them will hurt - a lot. Appreciate his honesty, no matter how much it hurts and try NOT to react, but to take action...there's a big difference. Let him know in subtle ways the things he does you appreciate, laugh, enjoy his company - he'll enjoy yours.<P>Negotiating, really communicating, what a wonderful first step. I'm so proud of you and just in doing that, you're gonna help him through this, make him think. Stay strong and believe in your love.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Just a quick (yeah, right) thank you to those of you who helped me out. You guys really have helped me to see that I am really not ready to get (force) him home, and neither is he.<P>I will do my very best to take off all the pressure. I will be my best when he is here this weekend. We are both a little nervous around each other, especially here at home, because the situation is so weird, so I'll do some more reading and thinking about how to make him comfortable. Yes, this is up to me now. Feels kinda good to have some power.<P>Lostva, you are such an inspiration to those of us on this board that are desperate for some direction. I can certainly see why your Robert is so in love with you. You must make him feel wonderful with the love you have given him.<P>allison<P>